Argument with DH. But what do I WANT?!

[BrassicaBabe]

DH works a million hours a week. Or close to it. So it's fair and reasonable that I do more overall.

I work FT from home. But I reality by skills or by luck I have more hours available. So I do ALL of the book work, HR, paperwork stuff for DH family business. (MIL and SIL now do 100% feck all. MIL older so fair enough. But SIL lazy and incompetent which is never going change. I really SHOULD just accept that.)

We have a side business with me/DH and BIL/SIL. BIL and DH do a similar amount of work. SIL still does FECK ALL.

Home. DH does a bit. But let's face it with a million hours a week a work it's never going to be 50/50.

So far in 2024 I've felt 100% overwhelmed, isolated and only own. This has ended up with an argument with DH. I've cried. I never cry!

There is nothing DH and I can do about SIL. So we just need to plug the gaps and get on..

I've said how much I feel on my own, responsible for EVERYTHING etc etc. DH asks (in frustration) "what do you want me to do"?!!

I've got no fecking idea?!!

He can't do the book work etc. he's always busy. He can't do the stuff that SIL should do. We all know that SIL is crap.

But yet I feel so sad and isolated. If I can't ask for what I want/need how can DH possibly stand a change?!!

I half suspected it was MIL who had previously done the books.

I suppose you could offer to train someone to replace you within a certain time frame, then stop. Assuming anyone would step up to the plate. Otherwise, it doesn't sound like a very viable business, in terms of delivering a decent life for all involved.

Are you the only one who is computer literate? Not acceptable in this day and age if so.

Can you answer these questions @BrassicaBabe ?

I am still not clear on wtf is going on here.

Be more assertive with your SIL/BIL who aren't pulling their weight. Outsource HR or consider going part time to allow you time for other things.

DH is part of a family business: mother, father, brother and him. No formal role for me and SIl. Or better put, my BILs wife? This is DH main source of income.

Then a separate business, much smaller than one above where me/dh, bil/sil are equal. It's a side hustle I guess. (A formal business though. Not a tax dodge)

I have a FT job. My income matches DH.

DH and BIL are plenty busy enough which is fine. So I DO have more "spare" hours than they do.

SIL does not work! She shares the hands on work of the side hustle with me 50:50. But them takes no part in the admin (web, customer stuff) which I do 100% of.

SIL is.... well I honestly struggle to truly understand... lazy? Incompetent? Lacking awareness? She operates at a fraction of the pace that i do. There is never any speed or urgently. She cannot be relied on. She has zero initiative or drive. She is a nice person socially. But it's hard to set aside my feelings of being left hanging.

When I'm not losing my shit like last night, I try to accept her weaknesses and work within them. Mostly I just get on with stuff. If I ask her to do something I then have to remember I've asked her so that at a point in the future I can check that she's done it.

I've tried to directly address the problem. I'm not sure how to describe the response. Stonewalled? A discussion in the car for example, she'll look away and just not engage. An email? She just will not answer.

DH tries to help but he's been beaten down by dealing with her for far longer than I have.

Getting to the bottom of the way I feel. I think I just want to feel supported and acknowledged. I want to feel the teamwork. To be "in it together".

I could outsource stuff. But I actually don't think I want to. I do a good job.

Just to receive some help or input without having to pull teeth first. To receive a suggestion or an idea or an off the cuff "I've done this".

But also...that isn't going to happen.

I blow up like this about once every 2 years.

So SIL needs to be “let go” and you hire someone who will actually work.

This sounds like quite an unhealthy dynamic with the lines between family and business completely blurred. I might consider stepping away from that side of it completely.

You step away from the family biz and tell DH he needs to pay a bookkeeper OR you ask DH to pay you for that work so you can reduce your hours in your FT job.

Sit down and calmly tell him that you can't cope and it HAS to change. And that you need him to help work through the solution with you so that it's a joint decision.

Perhaps SIL is not lazy but has put in place boundaries so she doesn't live a miserable life. Rather than trying to make her like you, why not try to become more like her. Have some balance in your life. Pay someone to do the admin.

Your side hustle sounds like a nightmare - you already don't have any hours in the day. Sounds from your op like you're all so busy making money you have no time to live and enjoy it.

It doesn't help that my FT job is 100% WFH. There is no office to go to even if I wanted. I miss "my people". The people I work with are like me. Think like me. Work like me. I am a square peg in a square hole.

So instead I am surrounded by folks who just don't think or work like I do.

I think pre-Covid I coped with the family situation better because some office contact helped me decompress.

But you can't control how other people react or behave. I see this so often, people getting frustrated because someone doesn't behave the way they want them to. I'm not saying that other persons behaviour is acceptable but you can moan and whinge and complain all you want but they won't change if they don't want to.

What you can do is look at what is within your power. If you're not the sort of person who can ignore it and carry on then you need to speaking to your DH, BIL and MIL and say that you're not prepared to carry the load on your own and that you're either stepping back completely or they need to employ someone to help.

Either that or keep letting it build up and then explode every couple of years. Strikes me that the only person suffering here is you.

You can't make other people do what you would like them to do

You have to chose if you want to close the third activity or carry on being overwhelmed

You have to chose if you can carry on full time and support the family business

You only live once - if it's not fun, stop

I’m also thinking you should Jack in the side hustle.

If it won’t work without you, it’s not a viable business. Stop being a martyr. Be more SIL!

Please tell me your SIL doesn’t get any form of income from this.

I hear you @velvetstars But you're wrong 🤣

Ok. You guys are right. I can't change someone else. (I HAVE tied myself up in knots before trying to think..."how does SIL want to work, how would SHE like to be managed". I don't get a sensible answer from myself on that one 🤣)

So. I have to accept it is the way it is. Or I have so do something to actively change what I do and how I do it.

Who owns the business? Your MIL FIL BIL needs a word with your SIL. How is she allowed to be paid without doing anything? Why has no one said anything before?

You have 3 jobs that is not normal (unless you're getting paid for all ).

I've been reading and re-reading. Thank you All! . I feel so much lighter. I don't know what I want to change yet. But I can see things much clearer. ❤️

He needs to use his money from all his hours to pay to outsource his share of work. So cleaner, gardener, childcare, bookkeeper etc

Oh my god. You have a couple of choices. Hire someone, it will save you time. Or jack it in- how much will it impact you two really if you don’t have your side hustle? It sounds like you need time more than money.
or, of course you can always just whinge and occasionally crack it at your dh for the rest of your life while burning out until you drop dead. Your call.
if the workload is actually perfectly manageable and it’s just resentment, tell Dh you need to recut the side hustle to 1/3 shares to reflect who works on it (or whatever 1/4 shares of the physical activity sicne you said sil does do that and 1/3 shares of everything else amounts to, and say it’s that or I quit the business, I’ll take up tennis lessons in the free time and be happy.

I think you should hire someone with a move to quitting in about a year and then you should take up the tennis lessons and be happy. But don’t worry, if you choose misery for the rest of your life instead at least you can console yourself with lots of people make equally terrible choices all the time.

@BrassicaBabe i think it is time to have a boardroom meeting. get everyone round the table and discuss this properly. if some people are not pulling their weight then they lose a significant part of their drawings from the businesses. your and your husbands part of the drawings should increase/ does bro in law realise how much work you actually do and what is sil doing while you do all that work. is she able to do computer work? can you send her to classes paid by the business to get her to learn

She probably doesn't want to.

Just out of interest, I wonder if you started demanding a reasonable hourly pay for the extra hours you put in doing the tasks only you can do, would they value you more?

You're also working a million hours a week on top of a full time job.

Stop

It's not a farm is it!?

I think you should jack in the side hustle. Leave the others too it.
Perhaps sil is the sensible one here.
Am I right in thinking she was involved before you came along, that’s what your post made it sound like? If so then leave her to it.
Step down from doing the books and jack in the side hustle.
The trouble with these kind of set ups is they don’t work smoothly.
Who is in charge?
Nobody, because you are all equal or at least 2 of the group are equal. Add in the fact you are family and there you go, recipe for disaster.

If your wage is higher than dh income yetyou have time for two more roles and he doesn't, his hourly rate is a lot less than yours. Is he actually making a reasonable return?

It seems ridiculous that anyone,still less anyone who has a spouse and children , can complacently work a million hours. And see their spouse struggling because the million hours doesn't cover everything. Why so few people doing so muc? If you can beat half the businesses' earnings on a regular wage, it is presumably because the business just doesn't make enough money to have more staff. In which case, really is any of it worth it?