Both in our 40s, don’t currently live together, both been married before - I was with my exH for 18 years and he was chaotic (alcoholic) and had very difficult parents.
DP’s mum is absolutely lovely, but she is unable to keep boundaries. She messages DP upwards of 20 times a day, sends photos of every meal, says she doesn’t know what she’d do if he ever moved away (lives near him), calls him crying fairly often, ignores his direct requests.
A few things are going on - she lost her mum and is sad, lonely and noted. DP has been very sensitive about not upsetting her, though he’s fully aware that things aren’t ok. He’s not set good boundaries. However I think she’d ignore them anyway. Her other son and his wife don’t speak to her anymore over similar (but more significant) behaviour.
given all that, she has told DP she’s sad we’re not closer. I just can’t mentally cope with the expectations that will result from making more effort - constant messages, endless ‘gifts’, no privacy. I am very wary of inadvertently falling into a situation that is bad for my mental health. I told DP all of this and he understands, but ofc he feel sorry for his mum.
is there any way to appease her or will it just go pear shaped?