Is he the primary carer and does that mean I will lose my children

[Millymollymine]

Hi I am in a toxic relationship and am starting to plan how to end it. Since suffering with mental health issues my partner has never worked full time I have supported him financially as at the same time I have worked my way up and am now in a senior role. We have 2 children (8 and 5) and since they came along he dropped his hours ever further only working 2 shifts so that he can do 95% of the drop off and pick up. I pay for everything and have done so for +15 years. If he wasn’t here I would be able to afford to run the house and also get either a nanny or pay for the children's wrap around care, I think also my mum moving in is an option as we have recently lost my dad. He couldn’t afford to have the children and pay for their care around school as he will get a shock to have to get a full time job and support himself. So I expect the best thing would be for the children to stay with me and he can have them around whatever he ends up doing for new job etc. Is that reasonable to expect that - as he has mentioned recently that he is the primary carer so if I ended things I would have to leave lose my children and pay for him to continue not to work and me only have them at a weekend? The children would not want to live with him full time they have a rocky relationship with him so I am scared that if I did end it what he has said would come true. What could happen in this situation - is he the primary carer just because he takes them to and from school and does that mean he would automatically get them to live with him full time if we split? Any advice would be appreciated as I don’t want to lose my children

You should take proper legal advice but from what i understand, assuming you're in England, starting point for the children will be 50/50. If he has them more than half the time, you'll have to pay him child maintenance, and similarly he will if you have them more than half of the time. Either of you could apply to court to have them more than half the time but this is unlikely to be granted until less one of you is abusive.

I cant see why this would become anything other than 50/50
So no maintenance would be paid by either side

You say They wouldnt want to live with him, as they have a rocky relationship yet they are 5 and 8 and spend most of their time with him?

Welcome to the reality of what so many men in failing marriages have to face. He wouldn't need to work full time with a 5 and 8 y/o because benefits will top up him income/pay the rent. It's not just doing the school run that defines the primary carer - but presumably he isn't just transporting them to and from school and then passing straight over to you once they get home? What you've described does make it sound like he's the primary carer here. And even if you split and have 50/50 shared care, still only one of the parents can be classed as the primary carer.

So - a few things are important here - are you married? If so - you'll have to split assets (house, etc) 50/50.

As you are not mentioning selling your house - I am going to assume you are not married. Which, in your case, is a good thing.

Here is what I'd do in your case, before pulling the plug ->
Start start getting more involved in your kid's care. Do some more drop offs. Occasional pick-up. Work from home some time. Do what you can with other aspects of care - say medical appts. Move your mom in ASAP, so that day to day child care is not solely on him. Try to take some time in school holidays, etc.

When people separate - neither has an automatic right to keep the children. And initially it all relies on parents coming to an agreement of what they want/what's best for kids.
And only if they can't agree - you end up in court where a judge would decide how the kid's time should be split.

I don't know what your house ownership or tenancy is like.

So, if, for eg - it's all on your name - at some point you could ask him to move out. He'll then need to figure out his living and income situation, or stay with his parents. If at that point he demands kids stay with him most of the week and you only see them on weekends - you do NOT have to agree to that.

While all of that is going on - you'll be building up a track record of taking care of the kids - by yourself, by your mom, and maybe with a nanny. So - by the time he sets up his new household - he can, of course go to court and ask that kids spend more time with him - but it will be an uphill battle. As kids need stability and staying in family home is preferable.
If he is not able to adequately house them - it will also be hard to get even 50/50 for him.

So - in the end - you'll most likely come to some sort of agreement that makes sense for you and is best for your kids. You are not going to lose your kids.

You don’t say if you’re married or not and that will have crucial bearing on any wider financial settlement etc.

Vis a vis custody, you should have at least 50% and (although he might hold the fear of losing the children over you as a way to intimidate and scare you) it seems vanishingly unlikely that he will get or even actually want more than 50% in the final analysis. More likely that he will fuss and fight over it as long as he thinks it’s upsetting you, and when he realises there’s no financial benefit in it for him, and that childcare gets in the way of the rest of his life alone, he will stop and scale back.

Most important thing is that you obviously have good financial resources. This is the point at which you use them to get a great solicitor. Threads on here can be great for the emotional support of “I’m scared this will happen and I feel trapped” kind of part. But the truth is that what you need is a great solicitor who is experienced (and especially in situations where abuse is present if that’s relevant here). Don’t go any further without legal advice - you want to make sure you have done everything you need to do to put yourself in the best possible position. You have the means to become free - use them. Good luck 💐

This is really good advice if you want more than 50/50 with your DC. If you are not married you would keep house of in your name. If you are married or house in joint names you'd get 50/50 equity.

You won’t lose your DCs but it’s a bit worrying that you say they have a rocky relationship with him but he does the bulk of the childcare. Also, if he’s doing the bulk of the childcare, is it possible that he’s having to play bad cop more often, whereas you get more of the fun parenting bits?

And just as you won’t lose your DCs, why should he? As PPs have said, it should be 50/50.