Dumped by wife for a woman

[TheAverageJoanne]

A guy I know (not, most definitely not, a friend) has just been dumped by his third wife. He cheated on the first two, the second with the woman who became the third wife. Now she's left him for another woman.

Cue comments about "poor old Phil, it'd be less of a blow to his ego if she'd left him for another bloke," and "well that tells him he's inadequate." And a lot of sniggering.

It's not though is it? She was probably bi. What's this warped thinking, toxic masculinity? I think it's crazy thinking. She'd just had enough of him probably. There's also a 16/17 year age gap.

It's probably an extension of the old attempt at an insult when a woman isn't interested in a man she must be lesbian.

What is it you want from the thread? Agreement that some gossipy-type people are sometimes hyperbolic, or just plain wrong? Why do you want that? It's not your situation to be worried about, is it?

I don't understand the ego comment, it's not like he could be another sex. I get the ego comments if it were another bloke because some part of him might think he could have been better endowed, more muscular or richer.. that is something your ego can be bruised about. Sexual orientation isn't caused by a husband or wife putting you off so much you turn gay, we say it jokingly but not really a thing. The same sex attraction would have been always there. It's beyond our ego, it's a totally faultless 'dump' that they left you for another sex not like you could have helped that or done anything different on your own end.

No, but I'm interested in attitudes. Do many, or most, men think this way? And if they do what does that say about their personality? One step away from Andrew Tate? Often you get involved with someone before attitudes like that emerge and have to dump them (well I would).

Some people think like that and some don't. Some people are more like Andrew Tate than others. Are you looking for some generalised ways to judge people, here? How do many/most women think about issues, and what does it say about their personalities?

Are you worried about finding things out about people and having to break off relationships?

He cheated on 2 women, and now he’s been dumped for a woman.
Sounds like karma to me.

Ok so this guy cheated on his first wife, cheated on the second with a woman young enough to be his daughter and now she’s cheated on him with a woman and the biggest issue people have with that is who she has left him for?

Phil sounds like a walking Jeremy Kyle episode tbh

Yes you're right OP that there is a sort of strange attitude to this situation.

There's been multiple threads on this board over the years from women who've been left for a man, and they feel ashamed, far more so than if it was another woman. In today's world it really should not matter, but it seems that it does.

Perhaps part of it is the "How could you not have known?" question. As if the dumped spouse is a fool who has willingly overlooked their ex's stereotypically gay presentation.

They both sound like scummy people regardless of the sex of those they’re cheating with. I wouldn’t waste too much time thinking about it.

Why do you care?

good for her, i hope she is happy

Similar but different situation to me - my ex is now in a relationship with a woman (actually with two women, all 3 of them living together in a slightly messed up 3 way arrangement). It doesn't bother me in the slightest though, in fact I think it's probably easier to my mind that she isn't with another man - purely for the kids perspective as there's no stepdad/step child relationship to have to worry about.

It was awful when my ex was having one night stands with many men (and some women) coming and going while our kids were being exposed to it. Social services were involved for other reasons, but they didn't have any concerns or back me up about this behaviour when I suggested that I thought it was inappropriate that the kids should see their mother with all these short term partners playing 'musical beds'. So when ex settled with a woman it was quite a relief.

So maybe it's just me, but I think in reality most men would be more comfortable with their ex wife being in a lesbian relationship than having another man on the scene around their kids.

I don't "care" about the individuals. They're for illustration purposes, if you like. I'm interested in attitudes about things like this. Some posters have already given their thoughts on that.

A cheating bastard gets cheated on and dumped? That's quite funny really. Can't see what the sex of the person his wife cheated on him with has to do with anything.

I'm interested in attitudes about things like this

But why? What will it do for you, knowing that some people feel one way, others feel another way... there will be a lot of different attitudes, and the snapshot you get of a few people here who are responding isn't any kind of cross sectional study. It's like the whole MN thing where someone posts how rubbish men are, then about 1000 women who came here because they're dissatisfied with their marriage say 'Yeah!' and the OP feels like she was right, and men are actually rubbish. But all the happy women wouldn't post on a thread like that, so it's a really biased view.

What do you think you can learn from a thread like this?

Who's older.. but I know quite a few women who have left men for women , think
It's becoming quite common to be honest

Jerry! Jerry!

@Watchkeys I usually really enjoy your posts and you give excellent advice in relationships but you are being harsh here.

It’s an internet forum, people post idle musings all the time. You don’t need to cross examine the OP. She’s answered your question about why she asked, the constant “but whys” are unnecessary.

Thanks for vetting me, @DrunkenElephant

I believe we're all allowed to ask what we like, as long as it's within talk guidelines, so, unless you're somehow in charge, your opinion of my post is neither here nor there. I was asking OP a question, not 'being harsh' or having a go, in any way.

It’s an internet forum, people post idle musings all the time

Thank you for this wisdom.

You don’t need to cross examine the OP

Nor do you need to tell me how to post.

the constant “but whys” are unnecessary

There was one. Not sure why you think you know best about what's necessary.

@TheAverageJoanne

I was genuinely asking you what you'll get out of the thread, because I wanted to know the answer. Hope that was clear!

@Watchkeys are you always so snippy?

Post how you like, I shall not lose a wink of sleep over it. Other people also have the right to post how they like, without being cross examined or being made to think about some deeper meaning.

Are you worried about finding things out about people and having to break off relationships?. Really? I suspect you won’t answer as is your right, but are you actually qualified in relationship therapy/any type of therapy?

My 1st H left me for a man, the comments I got ( "you should have made more of an effort, "you MUST have known, etc), were all from women.

@DrunkenElephant

are you always so snippy

Nope, only when it's prompted.

Post how you like

Thanks for this. Same to you.

Sorry for the pointless derail, OP!

I’m in my 50’s and have two close friends who after divorce had LTR’s with women. Both are now with men again though.

It’s definitely not a new thing probably just more out in the open now

I understand what you’re saying and I think it’s really unfair.

If someone cheats on you, it is their fault, it is not something you’ve done.
It shouldn’t matter if they do it with someone who is the same sex or not.

I have noticed on MN though that a lot of posters tend to think leaving your marriage or cheating is ok if it’s with someone of the same sex.

I think women just get sick of men and how they behave. I know that if I was no longer with my DH, and I needed company and closeness, I wouldn't be opposed to seeing a woman, even though I've never been attracted to any I can think of. I'd give it a go.

Men can just be really awful. Someone I know was married for 30 years, 4 DC, and the man ran off with someone half his age and treated his wife really badly. She is now living with a woman and is really happy.

exactly, very fair point