Boyfriend is a dick.. to end it now or wait a few months?

[manyofyou]

Hello,

Looking for some thoughts. Basically, my boyfriend of 2 years has turned into a bit of a cunt. Sorry for the language - there really is no other word I can use to do it justice. He was a really lovely, caring and thoughtful man when we started dating an for the first year of the relationship, he changed jobs to a much less stressful one and started smoking weed all day everyday. He's done this for the last year. I hate what it's done to him - he's turned into a useless prick, if I'm being honest. He gaslights, talks down to me, pushes and shoves me and gets really really irritated over the tiniest of things. I'm on egg shells around him and I hate it. Currently in final year of a PhD - stress is immense. I know that I can't see myself spending my life with him - I will be miserable.

BUT.. the dilemma is, do I finish it now.. or wait a few months until my PhD is over? Not sure I can deal with any more stress right now (I still love him, of course and it would be a really hard thing for me to do). It's actually ridiculous at this point.

I'll be honest, I also cheated on him nd he has no idea. It's the only thing that makes me think 'hahhh, you have no idea, you prick!' when he is having a really horrible outburst. He's so arrogant and full of himself.

Thoughts please?

End it now. Surely it'll be less stress than watching him doss about

Do what is easier for you. Is it easier to end it now, or after the completion of your PhD? There’s your answer.

If you don't live with him end it now.
I can see that moving house right now may make you think to delay. Otherwise what are you waiting for.

You don't even like him so why would you contemplate staying? Just so you can laugh internally shoot you cheating on him? Bizarre all round. He's horrible to you and I'm sorry for that but staying is a stupid idea

I found the last few months of my PhD incredibly stressful and I had a lot of support. Plus, even though you will have submitted your thesis it won’t be over until you go through the Viva and corrections. Get rid of him now and have one less thing to worry about.

How can you do your best in your PhD livjng in stress, walking on eggshells, with someone who assaults you?

Do you live together? Any chance of quickly finding somewhere to move to?

If you don’t live together just cut him out and block, block, block. And focus fully on your work, celebrating your ability and achievement.

You don’t love him, you loved what he used to be. Which does involve loss of that relationship, the one you used to have. But it’s gone and sadly he will only get worse.

He will know when you are at a crucial stage of your PHD. You said he is abusive, he will save up awful antics up for the most stressful times. If he is abusive, he will want to see you fail and chuck it all in.

You will have less stress, if you leave because you won't have to worry about what he will do next. You can ask your uni/student services for help.

Why on earth would you wait? Sounds like it would be a lot less stressful to break up with him than to spend even a week more with him.

Whichever choice means finishing the degree to the highest standard. That's the priority here. So, do that.

Leave sooner rather than later.

Trauma has a way of locking you in. You say you love him, but he gaslights you and talks down to you. If you were my friend, I'd want you to get yr phd but I wouldn't want you to get caught on the hook of trying to win his approval or even just paralysed waiting for a good moment.

I walked away from an abusive dick by accepting that I was going to have to walk out that door, without so much as an overnight bag.

I think there's always a sacrifice when you leave. Put let that be possessions, a deposit on a new place,moving back in with your parents,DON'T let the sacrifice be your mental health, cos that tank runs on empty til the day it doesn't. Xx

Dump immediately I reckon. Whatever stage of your course you're at, staying with him isn't going to do much to reduce your stress any, so you might as well leave.

Now.
He has been physically abusive. Nothing is telling you he won’t get worse in the next few months.
Plus think about how much easier it will be to finish your PhD if you dint have walk on eggshells around him!!

Thanks so much for all this support. He has stripped away all of my confidence and self belief worth, and I am finding it hard to leave.

It's worth talking to your uni's student support/welfare office - if one of the factors stopping you leaving is a worry about where to live, they may be able to help you arrange accommodation in halls at short notice, and possibly even hardship grants if finances are getting in the way. Good luck. It'll be hard but so worth it once the dust has settled.

Well if you don't do it now, I'm sure you'll have thought up another excuse once your phd is finished to not do it. So best grit your teeth and get it over with.

I still love him, of course

Give your head a wobble @manyofyou !

Why do you still love him? You haven't mentioned anything lovable about him. You must be fairly bright if you're doing a PhD, use some of your intellect on self-reflection. Dump his pathetic arse now, and get on with succeeding in your own life!