OL Dating, to think the problem is me?

[Onlinedater2]

I am in my mid 30s and been online dating on and off for a total of 7 YEARS after my last relationship was ended by my ex cause he 'wasn't feeling it anymore'

This year I decided to really try again as I want children and time is ticking. I have been on 3 dates so far and I have noticed a pattern.

Either they really like me but I don't fancy them
or
I fancy them but they call it off using stupid excuses like distance or not ready etc

I'm really low at the moment because I went on a positive 2nd date with a guy yesterday. We were getting on really well, had lots of talk about and he gave me the feeling he was feeling it. He was really looking at me and touching my hand etc, I was responsive to it but I take time to feel comfortable getting too physically close but I made it clear I did like him too.

Whether this is important or not, but this guy came out of a relationship last September, it was a long term serious relationship.

Today he has sent me a message calling things off saying he doesn't want to mess me around, had thought about it a lot before messaging as he thinks I'm great and got on really well and enjoyed our dates, but that he is only just out of his relationship and wants to date a bit more before getting in deep with me.

I am now thinking this is code for 'I don't find you attractive' despite his actions before suggesting otherwise.

I'm always told I dress well, I look after my appearance, am slim, but am now thinking perhaps I need a whole face transplant as this just keeps happening....

Most people aren't compatible with most people. Some people meet their perfect match after looking for 3 minutes. Some after 3 years. Some after 30 years. Some people meet a shit partner, marry them, and pretend to be happy for 50 years. Some people repeatedly have bad relationship experiences.

It's just luck. If you meet a new friend and she's single because she hasn't met anyone via online dating, do you think there must be something wrong with her? Given that the looks after herself and is a nice person? Do you think all the nice people are coupled up and only faulty people are single?

As soon as you start believing that it's about you, you become vulnerable. You are already taking responsibility for other people's choices, and they are choices that hurt you. How far do you want to go down that path? 'He hurts me, but it's because I'm faulty.' Dangerous path, no?

Is there anything wrong with you in other life-arenas? Friendships? Work? Family? Hobbies? Where else are you deficient?

It's not you, it's them. OLD is full of men with the sweet shop attitude dipping in and out of the pick and mix and he probably has several women on the go. Unfortunately it's a numbers game and you just have to grow a tough skin and keep trying. There's a dating thread on here that's worth joining, you will see you are not alone!

Or he may have been telling the truth. And OP doesn't need a 'thick skin', just an acceptance that sometimes she will like some people more than some people like her.

Life isn't a war, and there isn't always someone at fault.

It’s not you. OLD can be a minefield. Plus hard as it is to find someone you like and it’s not reciprocated, better to know after a couple of dates than be strung along while they wait for a better offer.

Some people are lucky and find someone fairly quickly, others can be on OLD years and the right one never comes.

@Watchkeys This is the whole point of the problem though. Why do I always like them more than they like me?

Because you haven't met someone who likes you as much yet!

It's really not as complicated as you're making it. It's not about reasons. It's not about the fact that fabulous gorgeous people meet someone right away and are happy forever, and faulty people wait forever and never meet anyone.

It's more like trying to meet someone who's done something unusual and random in their life at some point, like... fallen off a ski lift, or slipped over on a lychee, or helped an old person find a can of condensed milk in a shop. How long would it take you to find a person with one of those rare experiences? You might might meet them tomorrow, or you may have already met 10 without realising it, or you may never meet any of them. And that has nothing to do with your qualities. 'Finding you attractive' is the unusual thing: most people won't, or, not sexually, at least. That's just averages; most people don't find most people attractive, otherwise we'd struggle with our urges every time we went outside!

I've been where you are, honestly. I was over 40, with a string of sorry dating history trailing after me, before I met my partner. The other people weren't right for me, any more than I was right for them. But it's not because of anybody being at fault.

Thinking that it is is called an 'anxious attachment style'. Have you heard of it?

It's not a you or them issue. Most people are not right for us. Online dating means we are going on dates with random people off the back of an online profile. It's so artificial there are going to be many many more misses than hits.

No one is the baddie.

I think you really need to give it more time. Probably not what you want to hear but it’s all a numbers game!

I do think you need to have a bit of a thick skin for online dating. It’s a lot of ghosting, a lot of chatting that never leads to a date, a lot of no second dates.

You said Either they really like me but I don't fancy them
or
I fancy them but they call it off using stupid excuses like distance or not ready etc

So it's not always you liking them. Sometimes they like you but you don't like them

This is just dating in a nutshell. I always experience this situation. You weren’t even rushing him yet he said he wasn’t ready. Ready for what? You were still getting to know each other. A relationship wasn’t on the cards yet. He just doesn’t want a relationship with you. I had a guy saying that to me. Men never want to let things develop organically. They need to want you badly within two meetings which is crazy. Why not stick around and just get to know you? Men have no patience and want to get physical too quickly. Maybe. That is a reason he left also.

Men’s dating schedule. Date 1 drinks, date 2 dinner. Date 3 ‘Come over to mine’ . If you don’t agree they disappear. All so rushed. Not every lady wants that schedule.

Nor does every man. Otherwise every relationship would be based on this. But they're not.

What tosh.

Men have no patience and want to get physical too quickly

And what's the problem with women? Or do women get it right, and scathing generalisations are just about men?

The truth is that some men want to move faster than some women. It happens the other way around, too, and it also often happens that people are well matched and form healthy relationships.

There's such a lot of bitterness on here when it comes to women judging men, but I assume that must be because a high proportion of women who are in happy relationships with men don't spend their time spouting unhappy crap on forums.

OP there is nothing wrong with you. The vast majority of the time you won’t click with someone else romantically, otherwise we would all be all over each other all the time. It needs to be the right person and as others have said that could happen tomorrow or 10 years from now.

Online dating is a minefield and it takes a certain mindset to be able to handle it well. I discovered I don’t have that mindset so I have stopped doing it. I found it bartered my confidence too much so I am taking time to build myself up. Maybe it would help you to take some time for you as well?

I think my feeling is because he said he'd had a really good time on our dates and we got on really well, that we were very similar in our views etc that he hopes to have another life partner (despite recently going through a very long term relationship break up). So why would he want to date other people? Unless he wasn't attracted to me?

He did mention I was the first date he'd been on in years and years.

The problem is unlikely to be you, it's internet dating.

When you meet someone organically in real life, have a chat wherever you met, exchange numbers and agree to meet up, you already both like the look and sound of each other and are attracted to each other.

In internet dating, although you've liked pictures and messaged, the "in their presence" piece is missing until you meet up. There's no guarantee that the attraction on paper translates to real-life.

I've been internet dating on and off since last summer, been on 9 first dates with different men. 8 of them wanted to go on a second date, while pleasant enough, I didn't want to see any of them again. The 9th I had the best date with, and thought there was strong potential for a relationship, however he obviously didn't feel the same way, as after he politely replied to my encouraging message the next morning about something we discussed during the date, I never heard from him again and I was not going to chase.

Internet dating really is a numbers game, you have to keep going, and eventually something will click on both sides. You need a very thick skin to keep doing it though lol, something I'm having a difficult time with myself.

Good luck!

He's an individual. He has his own opinions. What if he decided he didn't want to go to Sainsbury's because he doesn't like the branding? Is there something wrong with Sainsbury's branding? Should they doubt themselves? Because he loves supermarkets, and he needs some shopping, so... clearly, Sainsbury's need to sort themselves out?

OP, with all the love, your last update is a bit OTT. You need to be able to let rejection roll off you.

Why isn’t he allowed to date other people? It was only your second date! I always used to talk to a few guys at once and have sometimes 2 dates per week!

Sometimes people just aren’t into you- be it physically or emotionally. Sometimes there’s just no spark. No chemistry. It’s just the way the cookie crumbles and you just have to learn to let it go and move onto the next!

Stop focusing on THIS man and focus on why you don't like the men who really like you