Ex partners weird behaviour

[veryawkwardohno]

Me and my ex broke up over 5 years ago.
every now and then he gets really overly touchy and like weirdly nice (he is usually Not Nice and tells me all the way in which I am the most useless person or exist ever so out of character for him)
but the issue I'm having is he won't back off, like I will very clearly back away and he'll try touching my hand/back/hair/waist etc
its so awkward and I don't want to make a scene and tell him to fuck off in front of the kids, but I did have to shout get off the other day when he wouldn't stop trying to touch me (probably relevant I am, autistic so people randomly touching me at the best of times is overwhelming)
if I tell him to go away/leave me alone, he punishes me by not helping out as much with the children- in having a really tough time of things mental health wise so I really do need his help with the children. I feel like he knows this though.
he invites himself over for hours on the days he picks the kids up so I can't even avoid him really.
i want to get along with him, but i dont want him all in my space like that and im not sure how best to navigate it. I have outright asked him to stop he just ignores me.
it's really stressing me out

Why would you have to say 'fuck off'?

Tell him to stop. If he doesn't stop, tell him you'll be taking professional advice regarding sexual harassment.

He's using caring for his own kids as currency to buy your body. He's not going to suddenly start being respectful, so, unfortunately, you have to make the boundaries, here.

I did tell him to stop, I said "don't touch me" and backed away then he started with "are you ok? Clam down" stuff and getting even more in my personal space the only time he actually backs off is when I end up shouting.
when I said about telling him to go away I mean asking him to leave, he gets offended if I ask him to leave or ask him not to come into my home , or he'll listen for a few weeks then start again

Does he have to come to your house to see the children?

He takes them to his house but he works near me and finishes at 3 and the kids have swimming also near me at 7 so he comes and waits here instead of driving to the next town and back. (I have asked him not to) his mum also lives near so he could wait there.

Sounds like he's not respecting your boundaries in multiple ways. Who lets him into the house? Does he have a key? You don't have to ask him not to come to yours and hang around, you tell him. It's your home, does he have any right to be there?

He doesn't have a key usually me or ds1 lets him in he just shows up but he tells the kids he's coming over if I say no he won't have them as much or won't help with school stuff and then I'm really stuck because I really need him to help with those things.

You are placing your need for childcare above your need to respect your own boundaries. But it is important for your children to learn, from your example, that each of us must uphold our own boundaries, otherwise we end up miserable. Which is kind of where you are!

Why is he the only person who can help with childcare? Why are there no other options? If you sort out that issue, you can just tell him to leave you alone, right? And if he doesn't, you can report him for harassment?

Why can he not pick up the kids and take them elsewhere, if he wants to see them? You don't have to be involved in anything to do with him, other than arrangements for the children.

Nope.. not appropriate for him to hang out at your place. This and his behaviour are sending your kids the wrong message. Stop making his life easier.

I understand where you're coming from I don't mean to be prioritising that but I don't have anyone else that could have them, my parents are not an option, I don't even really know any people so no one I could ask anyway. One dc has additional needs and things can be difficult.
I had a mental health crisis earlier this year, when I needed him to have them for about a week because I wasn't able to be home I was in a crisis house, day to day I'm trying to keep it together for the kids but without him having them every other weekend I don't think I'd be able to.
i feel so stuck I'm not sure what the solution is.

When you say he helps with the children do you mean he physically sits and does schoolwork with them or something, or that he pays for things? Can’t he pick them up and take them to his mum’s before swimming?

It does sound like you need to not let him in and tell your children not to.

Your mental health will be deteriorating due to the fact that you keep allowing this to happen. It's the other way round from the way you're seeing it: You think you have to deal with his poor behaviour because you have mental health issue, but actually, your mental health issues are being exacerbated by your acceptance of his poor behaviour.

It's good that you've posted, because it means you're started to seek out help, and that's what you need: help and support. Have you spoken to any professionals about your mental health, or about the fact that you are being abused in front of your children? You could have a chat with Women's Aid? They will know and understand the routes you can/might want to take, to get yourself out of this.

Do you feel better for posting and getting responses? Even if the problem isn't solved?

This is abusive behaviour.

Physical, mental and emotional abuse.

And he's doing it in front of your kids.

Would it be helpful to make formal contact arrangements, so he can't use the kids as a tool to keep abusing their mother?

Could you afford to use a childminder or other paid care for some respite that is not dependent on him?

Is it possible for you to be out with the kids at the times when he normally coerces you into letting him into your house? And just return near the appointed time for his pick up?

Ultimately though, it's your home and you really don't have to let him in. I know he'll act out at first, but you can't keep being violated and gaslit in your own home, it's not fair on you or the children.

My ex used to do same. In the end I told him to pick son up at door and drop him off at door. I never saw him again. Harsh...maybe but knew all he wanted was a leg over. Dream on mate

I am in therapy through cmht but I don't really know how to bring it up it's not really related to what I go to therapy for so it would feel quite random? I don't know I'm really bad at speaking I don't think I'd be able to explain it properly

being out at the time is a good idea, especially with the weather getting a bit warmer soon we dna be out at the park etc

I don't know I'm really bad at speaking I don't think I'd be able to explain it properly

The CMHT don't need people to be good at speaking. They don't need people to 'not be random'. They are dealing with far more complicated and confusing issues than the one that you have, which is that you are being abused by the father of your children, with childcare being used as a power over you. Your situation, on a practical level, is very simple, and they will know what to do.

If you can't explain it, print out or copy down your first post on this thread. Read it out or give it to the next person from CMHT that you come across. You don't need to speak at all, if you don't want to. If you don't want to do that, do the same thing but via Women's Aid. You don't have to 'word it right', partly because you've already written down very clearly what you need to say, and partly because they are used to dealing with people who are desperate and confused, and sometimes at immediate physical risk of danger from abuse. They will have seen it all, you will be a 'standard' sort of case for them, they deal with people in similar situations every day.

You are not alone in this, and you can find a way out.

How well do you get on with MIL? Can you drop the kids there on ‘his’ nights? Say you need to go shopping or are going to visit a sick friend or something. Keep doing it until it becomes the norm that on swimming nights the kids go to MIL whilst you do your own thing. Obviously this will depend on MIL not minding having her house invaded….

If he has them eow, but you're having to put up with him because of swimming.... could you change the swimming night? Then he can collect from school or the door rather than hanging around?