Valentines when rocky marriage

[bleurghhhg]

Just wondering if anyone can help I'm not really sure what is best to do. My marriage is in a v rocky place at the moment, I love my husband but we are disagreeing on some v major things, and it's just all v depressing. We have 3 kids (primary & pre-school age) and just got me wondering with Valentine's Day coming up - the way I feel about things giving/ receiving a valentines card would seem fake, but if we don't bother with anything then my kids will notice. We never do much, just exchange cards really, and I know it's a ridiculous commercialised day... so I'm prob worrying for no reason, but at the moment our kids have no idea how bad things are and we are finally going to start some counselling in the hope it helps us find a good way forward, so maybe things will get better... ug. Any (gentle) advice? I love my kids so much I just want them to be happy...

Will your children really notice there are no Valentine's cards?? In the unlikely event they do you could tell them they are for boy and girls who want to be together but aren't yet.

I would continue with the status quo other wise it looks like you can’t be bothered with the relationship. You could put a note in about looking forward to working towards better times.

I feel the same way as you do right now. Things are shaky and it feels fake. We've never been huge on Valentines but always find a meaningful card etc however this year I am a bit MEH.

Oh yes, I dread this time of year. There's no romance or intimacy left in our marriage and it's a really sad time of year for me. But every year I try and continue the status quo in case anyone notices/doesn't notice!

Empathy and sympathy for you OP.

I think eyes open has it right. The whole day is excruciating if your marriage is going through a difficult phase. You know your own kids best, but the ones I know aren’t interested in whether their parents send a card to each other. You don’t need to go out for a meal, either. Hope things work out for you in whatever way is best.

I think if things are rocky but you’re still both in agreement that, at least for now, you’re committed to at least trying to work through them with the intention of trying to stay together, then the gesture is important. Once you begin letting go of the opportunities to experience and celebrate what good there still is in your relationship, the hill downwards just gets even steeper. I don’t think deciding to send a card or not should be about your DC noticing.

You don’t have to write anything grand and saccharine or untrue in a giant card that says “Best person in the world ever and always” on the front. Why have you decided to go for counselling? Think on that a short while. The reason you think he’s still worth that effort can be paraphrased into what you write in the card.

If you must do it, keep it very simple.

However, I would be speaking to him about this and saying at the moment I don’t feel that making a fuss on VD is appropriate but you are still hoping that this will change and are hopeful the counselling will help with that.

I think it's important to make the effort if you want to save your marriage, but if you're on your way out it would h the kinder not to celebrate.

If the children really will notice there is no cards, what about asking them to choose a card and draw or write something in it to give to daddy from all of you for fun.