Estranged grandparents

[bighair32]

Hello, I would be grateful to hear of others opinions as I am not sure what to do in this situation. I have blurred details for privacy but the context of this is accurate.

I have one child who I have raised alone following discovery of my exP affair at which time he cut all contact with our child. He did not live in the same country as us for the first year of our child's life and we split 18 months later when it became apparent that he had lied extensively and cheated during the entirety of our relationship. This is all now several years ago and he has married his affair partner and lives with her in a completely different part of the country.

The nature of his affair lead him to introduce his affair partner to some of his family (including his other children)but not his parents who knew he was in a relationship with me. When we split his parents stood by him and we have had very little contact in the last few years as I wasn't prepared to listen to their views about their son being a 'good man' etc. They have continued to send my child gifts for bday and Christmas but otherwise we have no regular contact. They live a considerable distance from us.

I received communication a month ago that my exP mother is extremely unwell (will die within 6 -12months). My child was upset by this news but does not want to visit.

I have had communication from exP relative who has asked me to take my child to visit although recognises that this is quite a delicate situation.

My child is late primary school age for context.

I feel very torn and I'm not sure what to do. Can I ask if anyone else has dealt with similar?

Personally I wouldn’t have told the child that the grandparent was terminally ill, as they don’t know the person except as a name on a gift tag.
My dgc are in a similar position atm. They know the relative, have spent time with them, holidayed with them, know they are very very ill ( probably only a few months left) but the children haven’t been told that fact and won’t go on a “goodbye” trip. That’s difficult enough for adults. They’ll have the choice of attending the funeral. (14 and 10)
Your dc has said he doesn’t want to visit, leave it at that. Tell him when the person has passed and again give the choice of the funeral. BUT if you think any relative will try guilt tripping at the funeral do not go, do not give the option. Have a day to yourselves, plant a tree or bulbs or seeds, do something small that will acknowledge the day but not be hugely emotional.

And if it adds anything I was NC with my parents, my children hadn’t seen them for years. I didn’t attend their funerals, my dc who were 18 and 20 didn’t even ask when the funerals were. None of us has been affected by their deaths and not going to the funerals.

I haven’t dealt with similar sorry but it sounds like it could be quite traumatising for the child who already is saying they don’t want to go. I would take the lead from your child. X

There is no reason for your child to go on a farewell trip to see someone they have never met. That would be awful for them . The grandparent may want it, but for your child's sake, don't do it .