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Original poster

Separated not spilt HELP

14 replies

Annegoodman · 03/02/2024 09:56

So my partner has moved out due to his daughter my SD. Long story but SD can’t live me atm due to her behaviour being off the scale and I cracked under the stress over 18 months of being her punch bag metaphorically she’s steals from me lies to me lies to her dad she’s a runaway child. Anyway he’s moved out got him self a rental (we own) so he can live with her. She was with the maternal family. Mother was neglectful hence dad has her. Hence behaviour ect ect. Anyway. I’m gutted broken. We’re not split. He says he loves me but he has to be with his kid. We have probably not been in the best place for the last 6 months or so my mental health has been low and I’m menopausal to boot. I love him so much though it hurts right now. I need some advice on how to fix this perhaps or learn a way forward from anyone who’s been there.

OP posts:
napody · 03/02/2024 09:59

How old is she?
He sounds a good dad- I'm not sure what else you expect him to do right now? I understand you must miss him and feel resentful but it sounds as if he's doing the decent thing.

Have you seen GP about MH and menopause? I'd start with that.

Original poster
Annegoodman · 03/02/2024 10:10

She’s 14. Yes I’m on patches for it plus Anti ds. His kid has caused many an argument. He’s a good dad he took her and her brother on when the mother failed at her mother job. He’s wasn’t given any help or advice for the trauma they had suffered.
what I’d have liked him to do was be a joint force in helping his daughter come home. Build the bridges together instead it’s just me building them. She was safe and happy where she was and quiet frankly it was about time the maternal family took her for a bit and gave us the break we needed

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 03/02/2024 11:04

She's with her father, she shouldn't be passed back and forth around the maternal family. He's doing the right thing.

napody · 03/02/2024 11:22

idontlikealdi · 03/02/2024 11:04

She's with her father, she shouldn't be passed back and forth around the maternal family. He's doing the right thing.

I agree with this. He's right. He's being a parent.

Kaltenzahn · 03/02/2024 11:43

I'm sorry you're hurting OP but it really does sound like he's doing the right thing. He has a responsibility for his child, it sounds like she's been through a lot and she needs to be his priority.

It sounds like he's done the right thing by both you and his daughter by moving out with her when she couldn't live with you any longer. It wouldn't be fair on her to be passed around her maternal family especially if her mother has already let her down.

There's no reason why you can't maintain a relationship while living separately.

Jonisaysitbest · 03/02/2024 12:28

That sounds really tough for you. But as a pp said, you can still maintain a relationship living apart
Your partner sounds like a great dad who is doing the right thing by his daughter which is a great sign actually. He is showing that he is a loving, caring person who can put someone else before himself and his needs.
Sounds like you have found one of the good ones. Hang in there and support him in this; it won't be forever. xx

BoohooWoohoo · 03/02/2024 12:32

Your partner is doing the right thing by providing his dad with stability rather than allowing her to be passed out relatives.
You can still date and have a relationship with him while living apart. It’s tough for you but moving out and keeping his dd and relationship separate sounds very sensible.

BCBird · 03/02/2024 12:35

Stay together but apart. This might benefit you all when you get used to it. When daughter is more settled you can reconsider. He is doing the right thing

Lifebeganat50 · 03/02/2024 12:40

There might be fewer fucked up kids about if more parents did what your partner is doing and prioritised their kids over their subsequent romantic relationships

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/02/2024 13:01

You've had a tough 18 months with more to come. It's not easy and I'm sure it hurts a lot and it may well feel completely wrong to you, but he is doing the right thing.

She was safe and happy where she was and quiet frankly it was about time the maternal family took her for a bit and gave us the break we needed
This isnt how parenting works. If her Mum is incapable or neglectful or couldn't be bothered it is his responsibility to be the parent 100% of the time. Its not about time anyone else steeped in because his DC still have a perfectly capable parent. The maternal family don't owe him a break because he is her parent. If you want to help repair things support him in this, accept what he needs to do as a parent and maybe spend some time on rest and self care while he needs to focus on his DC. Work out some ways you can talk and see each other. Be prepared to be patient and stop thinking that DC Mum's family owe him a break because they don't, he is the parent. It probably feels BS and not what you signed up for, but this is where you are now. You can be patient and supportive, but you don't have to be. The other option really is leave, because the other other option which is being pissed off and resentful but trying to stick it out is only going to harm you all.

Banditdog · 03/02/2024 13:36

Annegoodman · 03/02/2024 10:10

She’s 14. Yes I’m on patches for it plus Anti ds. His kid has caused many an argument. He’s a good dad he took her and her brother on when the mother failed at her mother job. He’s wasn’t given any help or advice for the trauma they had suffered.
what I’d have liked him to do was be a joint force in helping his daughter come home. Build the bridges together instead it’s just me building them. She was safe and happy where she was and quiet frankly it was about time the maternal family took her for a bit and gave us the break we needed

You think the “maternal family” should take her rather than her own father? 😳 That they should give him (and you) a break?

I am glad he doesn’t share your views on this, he is doing the right thing.

Original poster
Annegoodman · 03/02/2024 15:28

We have both been through a lot with her. We needed restbite care but it was never forth coming. They are there only when it hits the fan. U are all right I. Saying he’s a good dad that he is and I know he’s doing what’s right. Just hurts a lot when I’ve tried to give the kid stability and she’s pushed me to the limit and been given no support.

OP posts:
Lifebeganat50 · 03/02/2024 17:03

This is the thing though, you don’t get a break from being a parent

Banditdog · 03/02/2024 18:16

Annegoodman · 03/02/2024 15:28

We have both been through a lot with her. We needed restbite care but it was never forth coming. They are there only when it hits the fan. U are all right I. Saying he’s a good dad that he is and I know he’s doing what’s right. Just hurts a lot when I’ve tried to give the kid stability and she’s pushed me to the limit and been given no support.

Parents don’t get respite care from teenagers they lie and steal. Your attitude is really shocking to me and I am not a parent but I know that they don’t get time off like that.

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