Grandmother keeps making false promises

[Toeoffroggy]

My mother and father would always make false promises when I was little. It was a common thing that in joyous moments, they would promise all sorts of things: holidays to disney land, new brother or sister, bedroom makeovers, grand days out, fancy parties. It would rarely come to fruition and I became very used to being let down. It was even well known amongst family members that my parents had this tendency and my grandparents used to get frustrated by it and even spoke to my parents once about it telling them they were regularly disappointing us.

Fast forward to now and my parents are divorced. Dad doesn't do it anymore and ia quite content being a largely absent grandfather, but my mother is a nightmare for it. She moved away and remarried some years ago and is always promising my children things which don't come to fruition. A lot of it is around visiting them- she will tell them she is staying with us for a night or two in the future but then she will suddenly need to cancel, or when she visits she'll head home a day earlier than she said and my children feel upset that she didn't stay as long as she said she would.

She bought one of my children an experience gift for their birthday in the summer and we are still waiting for her to take my child who is desperate to go. I've suggested that I take her but my mother assures me she will, however the gift expires in two months time and I've a feeling it won't happen.

She'll promise to take them places during her visits but doesn't actually assess the logistics of anything so when she visits during the week when they're at school, so she couldn't possibly take them to the zoo or to the cinema as promised.

She also bought them crochet kits two years ago saying she was going to teach them how to crochet but they're still sitting in a cupboard untouched and they keep asking when they are going to be taught how to use them but there's always a reason why she can't do it. Or she needs to rush off somewhere and doesn't have time. She has promised to make them matching crocheted hats and scarves too which they are still waiting for two years on.

I've spoken to her about this as I don't want my kids going through the disappointments that I did growing up and she acknowledged it and said it would stop but it has continued. I've said just stop telling them that you're going to do things which you're not 100% certain about.

When she disappoints the children I feel really hurt for them and angry that she's let them down. But it's genuinely like she doesn't consider the logistics of anything and she can't plan ahead easily. I've tried to organise us visiting her more so that there is less in her control to let them down with, but it's difficult to pin her down on dates. We would also need to pay for accommodation as she has cats which I am allergic to so we can't go there often.

How can I protect my children from her disappointments? Or can I at all?

Keep reminding her to not tell the children arrival/leaving dates or talking about days out etc. If she does mention a day trip, or says she's going to do something, say to the kids "don't get too excited about it kids, you know Gramdma isn't good at keeping promises". Maybe if you shame her she'll get the message.

With regard to the birthday gift for your DD, remind your mum that it expires in two months and if she hasn't taken your DD by X date then you'll be taking her yourself so that she isn't disappointed again.

Tell them that it’s how she is, and never to expect anything from her, no matter what she says

Help the kids understand that a 'Granny promise' isn't a real promise and more than likely will never happen.

I can see that telling the children to expect little from her is the way forward with this. I just know she'll be upset if I tell them this which I know really is a her problem and not a me problem. I just feel bad because I think that she wants the children to think highly of her because she doesn't get to see them often.

Why does she have to know? And honestly why do you care about her feelings when she is the whole problem?

You need a set up where if she tells the kids next year she's taking them to Disney, they can say 'thanks Granny that's amazing' and then never ask about it again because, you know, Granny.

I think the kids will only care about this stuff on a surface level. It is annoying to be promised something and then let down, but they have you who keeps her promises as their foundation.

Not so you, and this is upsetting for you as you'll be familiar with the deep disappointment/insecurity it causes. Give yourself a break about it. Yes, if you can, take your kid on the experience gift, but otherwise don't try to facilitate her and make her feel good. This just makes you feel worse. You think you're doing it to protect the kids but they probably know already she's a flake.

My paternal grandfather was like this, I kept being very disappointed by his empty promises. Eventually when I was about 10, my mother told me that he might promise me the earth, but it was very unlikely ever to happen, but it didn't mean he didn't love me. I am glad my mother told me that as it stopped me being so disappointed. Eventually, as an adult I was able to call him out on his empty promises in a jokey kind of way.

It's future faking - she gets the brief endorphin hit: 'Thanks, Grandma - you're the best!' but doesn't ever actually have to fulfill what she promised. My mother does it too. I ignore her now. You need to protect your children. It's okay for them to know Grandma isn't necessarily a nice person.

Reduce the opportunities for her to lie to them, because that’s what’s she’s doing. She doesn’t see it as lying, she doing it for her own benefit, the feeling of being good granny.
Use the voucher yourself.
Can a friend teach your girls to crochet? If not look for a local wool shop, very often the owner will teach knitting and crochet or will know someone who will.
From now on if she promises something outlandish like Disney say outright in front of her that’s not going to happen so we won’t talk about it. She’ll soon get the message.

Talk to her again . Then every time she promises laugh and tell the kids Not to worry a granny promise isn’t a real promise . She will get the hint & either step up or shut up