What now?

[glazedkremedonuts]

So, my husband and partner of the last decade or so is gone. Clearly there will never ever be any kind of relationship between us again, after the violence towards me and ds, and scaring dd so much.

Ive a few friends. Not much in the way of extended family. And the man I loved and thought I would spend the rest of my life with has turned out to be a monster. And I am lonely and sad and I dont know what to do next.

Dc are still very small. I havent been out of a relationship since I was oh 17 (am now 31), and I have no idea how to do this alone. After almost a week alone after being beaten up, Ive just realised that I am going to be tired, alone and sad for the rest of my life.

Im sitting here crying because Ive no idea how to sort my life out, and I jsut want the divorce over with so I can sell the house and try to get a roof over our heads which isnt connected with him in any way. I know this is going to drag on and on and its horrible.

Ive found somewhere to rent, but Im worried about doing it and paying up ahead as Ill have to use my savings to do it and I suspect dh will be angry with me for using a large wad of money, when he is clearly expecting me to calm down like a good girl and let him back. Except I cant let him back. Not ever. And why on earth am I still scared of him and what he thinks?

Its a mess.

sorry....I guess mumsnet helps to get it out of my head I suppose....sorry...

Message withdrawn

Hi

I can so sympathise and empathise and understand everything you are going through. At the moment you are probably feeling traumatised. Everything is going through your mind, round and round in your head, such a muddle!

Well done you for finding somewhere to rent. That is a really huge step but, it is one huge step in the right direction. You need to gather all of your strength and just take the leap. Go for it! Please, do not let fear of your P stop you from escaping from him. If you stay you are going to be living in fear so you have nothing to lose.

If you are scared that he is going to become violent after you leave then can I suggest that you ring the non emergency police and log everything that he has done to you. tell them of your plans to leave, tell them how scared you are and tell them you expect there to be reprocussions. They may give you a number to quote if you should have to ring them in an emergency and they will be there to assist you straight away.

It's your fear of him that is enabling him to control you. Even when he isn't around he is controlling you. You do really have to get away from this man. Take the house, be safe, then go see a lone parents advisor at the benefits office and they will support you whilst telling you of everything you are entitled to. There is a lovely, happy life out there, just waiting for you xxx

We are away from him already.

We are staying with friends, and are fine. Thats why its so irrational to still be scared.

He will be out again soon, no doubt, and gong back is never an option. I dont know why Im so worried about doing this. Its just paying using some of the money to pay rent on a new place. I cannot live in the old house, for safety`s sake.

Money is not a problem, I have the money sitting in my bag (!) as I withdrew a large chunk out of my savings when I left. I jsut need to do this...

It is so stupid to be scared of this! Ive spoken to the sol, the money I withdrew was in my name, so it is perfectly fine to use it, and the house Ive found is nice, and out of London,but not too far to commute in the future.

I am scared. Im scared of annoying him by staying away from him, Im scared of what he will do if he ever finds me and the dc. I feel so stupid for being scared.

I never ever want to see him again, no matter how hard it is gong to be. But I know its going to be very hard. It is hard, with two kids by yourself.

To make it worse, he forced himself on with without contraceptives (I feel so stupid admitting this) after the miscarriage. I have to wait another 5 days or so for a preg test. Im sure Im ok, but its all awful.

RL friends are being great, but everything has been so hard recently and I dont know if Im still doing a decent job as a mother. Im trying so hard. I love them both so much.

Ive let dd go out with my friend, her dh and their dc today. It was much appreciated, but feel rather stupid. I wasnt up for gong as I really cant walk far at the moment, and feel so guitly for not going. Ds is with me and happy to play quietly.

We will be ok, Im going to go and sort out putting the money down for the flat, then its 6 months paid for and we will be alright for a while then.

I guess its starting to sink in. Ill be fine, and if I keep on feeling wobbly, Ill take myself to the docs and make sure he doesnt think Im getting depressed.

You are not stupid for feeling scared
You are being very brave and sorting things out

Phone the Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They can put you in touch with someone in your area for support, both practical and emotional. You do not have to deal with this alone, and talking to other survivors and people who really understand can be an immense help. You are being so brave to take this huge step, stay strong and don't be afraid to ask for help.

You are not stupid for being scared. I am in a similar situation to you but I don't have the money at hand to be able to leave. I would love to be in your position.

Please, do not feel stupid, you are not stupid. You are vulnerable and low and thats why you need to get clean away from him. You have done nothing wrong. He is relying on you staying scared, that is how he will control and manipulate you.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the strength in the world to go through with this, I really do xxx