Am I crazy?

[Unsure9777]

So my boyfriend did something really sweet for my birthday.

Decorated his house and got me a great cake,some lovely presents. I loved it

I was really happy hugged him,told him it was amazing, kissed him,told him Loved him. I thanked him a few times

But today he says I don't appreciate him and I didn't appreciate the birthday enough because I didn't say the words hey I appreciate this.

I am crazy for thinking what the hell?
I think I showed him plenty that I appreciate it a lot and I loved it

He seems to be overreacting if you thanked him for his efforts. How long have you been seeing him?

That's a weird reaction. What else does he do that's a red flag?

Sounds childish, how old is he?

Is this some kind of very weird trap he's set? As though he'll be lovely to you on condition that you utter the exact words he's scripted?

Got to say that takes 'controlling' to previously unseen levels. I'm inclined to suggest taking your presents and ditching the man. What else does he dictate?

If he's being that literal after all the gushing you did, I'd guess ND? It's odd of him to not read or totally miss your reactions but have a need for the actual word. Maybe take him at his words, next time you feel like saying you love him, just say you appreciate him - weaker isn't it in most people's book. Whatever the reason, he sounds like hard work.

What's wrong with him?

We are both 26

Look like a very straightforward bloke.

if you don’t say precisely I APPRECIATE, looks like he didn’t compute you appreciated his effort.

so just explain your appreciation express differently (give examples) rather than words. Action speaks louder than words!!

Agree with posters that said it sounds like he set this up as a trap.

Abusers often do big, showey gestures just so they can hold them over our head later. 'I do everything for you. I even ...insert showey gesture you didn't actually ask for here'.

Often they will do things that seem nice BUT neglect your basic human needs/rights/respect/kindness ect. Eg: they'll buy you and expensive birthday present but they don't do any of their share of the household chores.

I actually remember watching a clip of lady on YouTube who shows her (ex, abusive) partner greeting her for her birthday with a big show of flowers and cake and she talks about how looking back in that video, you can see in her eyes that she's thinking 'whats thea catch? How is he going to use this to hurt me later?'.

I'd echo other posters to take a magnifying glass to this relationship for other ref flags.

Contrary to the poster who said you have to adjust your word choice . Which is such awful advice as when dealing with an abusive partner, you often find yourself thinking 'if only I could find the right words to make them understand' or 'the right words to prove my loyalty/love/innocence/goodness ect...'.

You don't realise there are no right words.

And no grown adult mistakes 'thankyou' and 'I love you' for ungreatfulness. You WERE specific enough. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise because that's gaslighting horseshit.

Read up on red flags of abusers in relationships. Keep reading up throughout your life.

If he's one...which I stronnnnngly suspect, run.

Always remember, there are no 'right words' for placating people who WANT to abuse you.

Yeah I agree, sounds like typical abuse. Doing over the top favours for you that somehow ends up with you being called spoilt and ungrateful is a massive red flag.

Agree with all re red red flags. I am speaking from experience and have never said this on MN before but you really need to leave him.

Definitely the beginnings of abuse, they come up with imaginary things to make you feel guilty about so you are always on the back foot trying to please them. You really just have to leave, it’s not the kind of behaviour you can solve with boundaries or counselling. A lot of women have walked this path and wasted many years.

Thinking of you today op. I hope you're OK?

It must come as a shock hearing these things.

I would actually walk away from this relationship.

Always remember, there are no 'right words' for placating people who WANT to abuse you.

Wot @Pinkbonbon said ^

Don't line yourself up for a life time of this kind of cold shower over and over again. Get rid. Your life will just get better and better.

I’ve just started reading Look What You Made Me Do, a memoir by Helen Walmesley-Johnson.
This is a situation she describes that her controlling abuser , and others do.
You love me bc I’ve done something nice for you, now I’m being horrible but you’ll still love me so I’ll do something nice again.
Get out now.

Oh gosh. Reading this felt so familiar. I had an ex just like this.

I would be blindsided by completely unexpected criticism of a perceived slight that was clearly fabricated, but he was so convincing.

Don’t hang around doubting yourself. Get out.

Red flags!

It's all very nice doing something lovely for someone, but you thanked him enough. Get rid of him now, he's showing all the signs of a classic abuser. You'll be tiptoeing on eggshells before you know it in case you don't say the right thing to him.

This is a major red flag.

If there are any other red flags in your relationship, it's time to let this one go.

Some possible examples:

• He has times where he seems to go cold on you
• He sometimes speaks very rudely to you for no apparent reason
• You are sometimes surprised by how unempathetic he can be towards you or others
• He ever calls you things like "oversensitive" or "needy" or "dramatic" or "can't let things go"
• He can be evasive about certain topics (doesn't like talking about money, what he's been up to when not with you, what his long-term plans or goals are)

Thanks everyone for the replies,it is a bit of a shock to see what everyone is saying. I didn't realise until reading what people have said what has actually been happening.
He has always been very loving ab sweet towards me.

But at times he is very cold and mean, he tells me I'm childish and crazy.

But if I say we should break up if he feels like that he'll say I never loved him and I'm giving up on us.

Another thing that upsets me is he thinks I've had a really easy life because my dad died when I was young and we got a pretty good insurance payout. He actually thinks I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about money and he does. I've always said I'd much rather have had my dad.
But he thinks I'm privileged

Oh gosh, the standard 'you're giving up on us so easily' bullshit. Why are they all so textbook!? It would be comical if it wasn't so utterly horrible.

Honey you're not giving up on 'US'- because there IS NO 'US'.

There's (in his mind) the winner and the loser. And for him to 'win' you have to 'lose'and not just lose - be crushed, spectacularly.

He is trying to break you beyond broken.

Because that's what abusers do.
Because that's what bullies do to their VICTIMS.

Let that sink in.
Does that sound like loving partner material?

Step back and ask yourself- What would be so bad about breaking up this 'us' ...that isn't actually an us. And even if it was, it isn't one that works.

People break up all the time. It doesn't make them bad people. Relationships are allowed to end.

He's mindmelted you into thinking you have to defend your...goodness...your very essence of who you are.

You don't!not to qbyone!
Certainly not to this utter slimey, walking dickhead stereotype.

You aren't a bad person for wanting to end a relationship that doesn't work for you. For any reason! Or even no reason at all. Because its your life and you.dont.owe.anyone.a.relationship.

It's OK to choose YOU. To love you. To walk away from people who are bad for you.

And you don't need to explain why brw, becayse he KNOWS why! Don't let him con you onto thinking he doesn't.

Dump the bastard, by text if possible. Block his number. Send any of his shit to him via recorded post. And do the freedom program online to help you break free perminantly.

And incase you need to hear it -

We hear you. You're not crazy.
YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.

Just an idea practice run btw. Try to be as clinical as possible because you don't want to give him anything to work woth that he can headfuck you with. Fight the urge to defend your character to him. You don't need to do that. He knows youre not a bad person. He just wants you to feel bad so that you'll continue to be his victim.

You 'I'm breaking up with you because I'm not happy in this relationship anymore'.

Him - 'what so you're not going to fight for us?'

You 'No. No I'm not'.

Him 'I can't belive you're being so cold'

You 'Ok. Sorry you feel that way. But the breakup stands'

Him 'you owe me an explaination'

You 'I gave you one. I'm not happy in this relationship anymore'

Him 'But why?'

You 'You know fine well why. I've dropped your things your mothers house. We are over. Do not contact me again'.

Him 'you owe me an explaination in person'

You 'No I most certainly do not. Do not contact me again'.

Screenshot (incase you need to show evidence that You've told him to leave you alone). And then block him on everything.

Don't answer calls from unknown numbers. Or accept friend requests from unknown people on social media. If he harasses you, don't be slow to go to the police. Don't answer the door if he shows up.

Have a locksmith change your locks if he's ever had a key.

Sorry that was a lot of info. Hopefully something there will help though.

Just remember

'No' and 'because I don't want to' are completely acceptable conclusions to give.

He might call you selfish or cold or whatever else but it's not - it's protecting yourself from a dangerous person. It might feel tough. But you have even right to be this way.