My partner often tells me I communicate about my feelings far too much. We’ve had some therapy about how we deal with conflict - I’ll be honest, my partner is absolutely impossible to disagree with. I went to therapy to get support in accepting we are different and can have disagreements without it being the end of the world and went under the guise that I thought it would help us both but I had hoped my partner would embrace it and recognise how much his conflict style bulldozes and assumes the very worst. For a bit it helped. I even had personal therapy because my partner was convinced I had just far too many surface emotions. I wondered - am I really sensitive?! My therapists (plural) each encouraged us to stay in the present and remain on the issue. I discovered with my therapist I was quite emotionally aware because of the work I do but we discussed how important it was to me to communicate honestly. My therapist actually was reluctant to discuss my partner much but hinted several times it’s okay to grow apart.
therapy has actually made it worse. I feel even more certain what I feel is okay and can be communicated and my partner is even more certain there’s something wrong with me.
in our couple’s therapy, we were advised to use ‘I feel statements’ and my partner lapped it all up but very much as though it was an opportunity for me alone to learn. Now, whenever I say ‘I feel..’ about something that is a source of irritation, my partner says ‘here we go again, always your emotions and what you feel.’
Recently my partner has been acting in a way I experienced as short tempered. Today in conversation, when repeatedly challenged about if something was ‘up with me’ I said, ‘it’s been my feelings recently that things you’re saying feel like I’m irritating you.’ I even said ‘it’s just a feeling and not factually correct’ and I actually don’t know that but I know how much my partner is irritated by my feelings
My partner stormed out of the room and told me my ‘f-ing feelings were so silly and demanding’. And accused me of ‘refusing to move on’ and just ‘sitting in things’. I had literally just raised it after almost a week and I had withdrawn a little as I didn’t feel I could say anything.
At work my partner text me again to say, ‘sorry if I’ve been rude but can’t you ever accept I’m just tired and be less sensitive’. I actually left my phone in the car to avoid constant messages continuing the argument. When I got in the car later, I was accused of letting my partner worry all day. When I got home and explained, I was told I could have checked my phone but didn’t because I wanted to sit in my feelings. I tried to carry on and not argue because it was clear my partner was angry and it’s pointless at this stage but it went on: ‘I’m so emotional it’s not natural. I only care about myself. I need to get to therapy again and deal with all these feelings.’ The irony is, I do still attend therapy but my partner says this therapist isn’t good and doesn’t really know me.
i didn’t actually express many feelings except that one this morning which was very much just a feeling in response to my partner’s insistence something was wrong…
first: is it possible I am being far too sensitive?
second: or am I simply walking on eggshells and losing my actual backbone/soul/mind here?
third: I genuinely can’t work out what I’ve done wrong.