How to deal with narcissistic STBXH during divorce

[Pinksparkles84]

So my estranged husband and I have separated and have a 7 DS, we are living at the same house for the next month. I think he is finding the break up quite difficult as I usually sort out the running of the house etc (although he is wants praise when he does chores around the house). I have agreed to move out of the house and have a place lined up for next month. I’m reluctantly agreeing to a 4/3 split with DS even though there have been incidents of emotional abuse/ gaslighting/ belittling / controlling behaviour. in addition if DS Gets upset about something, he is told that he needs to man up and doesn’t validate DS feelings. DS is a sensitive boy but I love him for it and always tell him whatever he is feeling is okay.

He is a wanting more of a 50/50 split but just plonks DS in front of his iPad. I am seeking legal advice to see if there is a way of protecting my son from his fathers abusive outbursts. If DS is acting up (for example he plays around before bed) STBXH gets very angry and aggressive.

We broke up over the summer and took it in turns to stay at the house and I had tried to get him to move out and find his own place, but he wasn’t proactive. I got back together with him partly because his mum was so upset with me and partly to protect him from STBXH behaviour. It scared me so I have no idea what that just feel like for DS. Speaking to my mum, she thinks I should STBXH enough rope and agree and see how long he can deal with being a single parent. He’s only once taken a day off work to look after DS and the day to day parenting is usually on me (but I just do it). I sort out summer holidays, play dates etc.

so now that we have broken up, STBXH has been texting me all day when I am at work. I said to him before that we should keep communication brief and I try and tell him anything he needs to know before he goes to work, so he doesn’t have to contact me. he has been asking silly questions like sending our landlady’s email address and asking if that’s the correct email ( I forwarded him the contact a few days prior) /Telling me when he will change the utilities over to his name / asking if the mediator I have booked is independent. He text me yesterday accusing me of only wanting to have DS more so that I can claim benefits. He says that his chances of renting our current place are narrowing l. Bearing in mind he is in an iva which has recently finishes (it shows up on the insolvency register still). I decided not to respond at all. When I spoke to my solicitor she said I should block him as he’s being abusive, so I did. He found me on WhatsApp earlier and asked if I’d blocked his texts. I didn’t confirm or deny, but when I got home and asserted my boundaries - he should only contact me in an emergency or about arrangements for our son, he said “whatever, if you want to be weird about it that’s fine”. I said that I’m not being weird, I’m just setting boundaries as I found his messages aggressive - to which he replied - don’t be so stupid. I guess what I should have said is that I find it weird that he’s still texting me all the time like he used to and asking me questions he frankly doesn’t need to.

Have to say very difficult to divorce someone like that but good thing I'd you have legal help. Just ensure everything is legalised as it will be difficult for you if it is not made legal.

It's all about boundaries and engaging as little as possible. Once he realises he has no power over you, he will stop.

So all communication to a minimum. Never about your relationship. Ignore any message that is just bla bla bla noise.

It is bloody hard work, but the only thing that works is a complete change in mindset at your end. Grey rock, and Ignore him whenever possible.

When I was dealing with separating from my ex he was also blowing up my phone with texts. I blocked him on WhatsApp, messenger, text, Facebook everywhere. It was advised that he have no ‘instant’ access to me e.g any form of messenger which pings on my phone. I set up an email address just for dealing with him and gave him that. Then I checked it when I wanted to, was in the right headspace and could respond calmly.

The texting is bombardment. Especially the mundane, silly stuff interspersed with insults and jibes. He wants to be in your head all the time. Don’t let him.

i spoke to STBXH today and he has actually provisionally agreed with the childcare arrangements I put forward to him by my solicitor. He said as long as there is flexibility as he works every Saturday and struggles to get summer holidays off as there aren’t many people where he works and one other person has already booked off the summer holidays with her children. He then said that he thought we were going to stay friends and how he would still like to be invited to the occasional thing with my family. (I had originally suggested we could do something like this at Xmas or what have you , and before he started blowing up my phone with abusive messages). I said that I didn’t think staying friends would be appropriate in the circumstances as I just want to move on with my life and go no contact. Also if he hadn’t been abusive and aggressive over texts I might have considered it (although I had already suspected he was a narc by then). He turned around and said what did I expect as were breaking up. I reaffirmed my boundaries and said that he should have spoken to someone else and not send me aggressive messages (I now realise this is gaslighting!)

You are still saying too much to him. When he said about still being friends, all you needed to say was you didn't think it was appropriate - nothing else. You can't stop him sending aggressive messages, but you can make sure you don't see them.

The only person's actions you can control are your own.

I agree with @FreeRider you are saying too much. You are explaining yourself too much. Just keep to point what you want to say. Very direct of what you want them to do no further interactions about other things no small talk. The childcare arrangements are going to be the ones which keep you in a loop there is no way you will be going no contact you have kids together. So be mindful that he would use the opportunity of flexibility, what does flexibility mean? If he texts you then to say can l have kids on Saturday at 6am or 7pm what will you say? Obviously l don't know him and how reasonable he can be. If flexible define what that is? If you have the kids majority of summer holidays what will he do ? Is he going to pay you some money towards summer holidays? It's a slippery slopes it's good to be kind but be specific , clear. Is he going to have to meet you right to take kids or will he come to your house or will drop them off? Some of it might be opportunity to get you to say yes ok but you are also putting yourself at hoovering risk. So long you have a link to this person ( the kids) no way of no contact yij are going to have to unfortunately seal with them the rest of your life. When making arrangements be clear and concise so there is no room for you getting caught in back and forth with him. The fact that someone has booked a summer holidays is not your problem you just need to know how this will work? Again hooking you back in to say occasional thing with your family why? You have split attempts to hoover you in. You want yo move on... is he happy with you moving on...no.
Be short concise and to the point no explanation.

Keep communication brief - grey rock him or better still block him and don’t engage in long conversations etc in person. I doubt he will last long with 3 days per week. My ex didn’t. Don’t help him on his days, I made the mistake of collecting the kids one day and taking them back to the family home which I found tough as it was messy and I sometimes washed up etc. He lasted maybe 2 months doing 50-50, then prioritised work, even working overseas

Very brief communication related to the children only. Ignore everything else.

I'm betting he wants you to be flexible but won't be returning the favour.

I know it's hard when they're insistent that you're the unreasonable one but try to ignore the mind games and focus on your DC.

He isn't your friend.. Healthy for ds to see you won't choose a cunt to hang out with....

Stop thinking about what he wants you to say.

Start thinking about what you need to communicate.

It doesn't matter what he says in a message you only ever reply with what you need to communicate. Most of what he says can be ignored

If you've already communicate what he needs to know forward the previous message with a ^^

Alternatively the first time I replied or asked something I would do so with please thank you etc. The next time I would copy the information and leave off the please and thank you. After that I would copy and paste the previous reply. Several times if needed. After a few times of doing this it becomes boring for him and communication got a lot easier.

Your job it to make communicating with you the most boring thing he has to do

Thanks all for your thoughts, it’s really helpful to get some clarity. So today I’m moving out of the house we rented together. My mum has a key to the house and the house is around the corner from the school, mum has DS after school twice a week and she would normally come to the house so that DS can get changed and grab his tea to take back with him. STBXH is now being super nice, asking if I want to take anything with me and he’s fine with it. I said that I’d leave the keys I have to the house and my mums set and he said that he wanted me and mum to keep our keys so that my mum could continue this arrangement. I said that as I’ll have my own bits for DS that there’s no reason for my mum to now have a key. He said my mum and I should keep our keys in case of an emergency. I’m not sure why he’s being super nice now and whether this is a manipulation tactic or he’s not actually as bad a person as I thought. So confused by his current behaviour?!

Maybe it’s an attempt to hoover me but I’m highly suspicious as a few weeks ago he was being really nasty so I blocked him and now I’m feeling as though I’m being the over dramatic one for taking such action. I will continue to grey rock him and I’ve been very boring when do handover etc. I guess at least it makes it nicer for DS if we get on and I don’t have a battle on my hands and I can move on with my life without too much hassle from him.

He’s manipulating the shit out of you, this will turn to anger either later today or sometime this week. So do be prepared for that. Have you set up an email address for him yet? Block everywhere else.

Stop getting into discussions with him. The keys don’t matter. Either keep them or leave them behind but choose one and stop talking to him about it.

The advice on here is fab because SO many women have been through this and come out the other side - they know what they’re talking about so listen to them.

He isn’t going to be nice v soon, you need to stop letting him get into your head, he isn’t worth the space.

So this week things seemed to have calmed down. He seems to be respecting my boundaries (at the moment). Maybe he’s realised that he can’t manipulate me anymore (although I shouldn’t speak too prematurely!) Now I’ve moved out it feels like a breath of fresh air and feels like I can now move on. I use AppClose to communicate with him about our son.

I almost text him last night to ask if he could give DS a bath (he was meant to give DS a bath on Sunday night but didn’t), but I realised that I have got to let things like that go and hope he does what he’s meant to. To put it into context, I was poorly a few years ago and he looked after DS for a whole week and hadn’t given him a bath at all. He used to say it was my job to give DS a bath, so I don’t imagine it’s something STBXH thinks he needs to do.

That’s interesting, STBXH is working late a bit next week and has already said that he can’t have DS on the pre-agreed times so I’ve had to put a spreadsheet together to work out where DS is on any given day. I suspect it may be the same thing, he’s always prioritised work (he’s always worked on DS birthday rather than take the day off when he could ask for it). I guess the proof will be in the pudding!

Why can't he do the spreadsheet?

Yes it sounds like he’s going to continue to prioritise work and not DS so he won’t be able to do 50-50 which is good for you. He can then pay maintenance.

My thoughts exactly! He’s useless when it comes to organising things. When it was DS summer holiday last year I spent ages putting my a spreadsheet together to give to my mum and MIL too. He said that he could let take any days off last August as other people at work had got in there first. He has claimed that he will look for a new job that’s 9-5 Monday-Friday to make things easier with DS but the only time he’s got a job in the past is when he was sacked for not making enough sales or storming out and I was constantly hounding him to apply for jobs (and I helped him with his CV!) we shall see!

That’s a good point. Do you know how i go about applying for maintenance ? I don’t think he earns enough as he took over the tenancy at the place we shared and they hiked up the rent by £150pm.

if you go on the CMS calculator it will tell you what he should pay. He might need to move if he can’t afford the tenancy and pay maintenance. As he should be paying for his child or having him 50-50