Feeling a bit Emma Thompson in Love Actually..

[Sonderponder]

I’m not sure if I need advice or just someone to relate to if at all possible. I’m one year into the reconciliation of my marriage (we had a two year separation, I left, it was horrible) in the beginning of this time round, after we made steps to reconciling, I discovered that dh had been in a relationship with someone and that it had ended pretty much the same time as us starting again, I’m unsure of whether it’s because of us trying again and there may have been a crossover, he’s never been extremely clear. It wasn’t a short thing and apparently everyone including my child knew. He said that it was a rebound, he didn’t love her and they had nothing in common. I tried to explain to myself that he was in his rights, I still feel uneasy about it all but I’m getting there. Now my problem is I can’t stop comparing myself to this other woman, I found his previous Xmas shopping list with her included on it and there was the usual stuff but then hand chosen jewellery, underwear, sex toys and a poster of a romantic film that is one of his favourites, one that we watched together. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the lovely gifts that I received but I’m going to. None of them were hand picked and thought over or fabulous like that, he’s got me everything on that list previously on various occasions just this year it felt a bit, impersonal, usual voucher for something I did say I wanted, music, stuff for my interests.. just nothing meaningful, or sexy, or romantic. I don’t know why I’m so focused on this aspect of the whole thing, it makes me feel really sad to think about and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I’m trying to focus on other good things about us instead. I’ve even initiated trying to spice things up and hinted that I would like to dress up and his response was short but not dismissive.
How do I stop thinking about it all and get on with enjoying what I have? I feel pretty horrendous even feeling the way I do but it’s like a constant black cloud over everything where I just don’t feel good enough or even the choice he wanted to make. Any musings from anyone who has gone through similar would be helpful.

Is he reassuring you enough? I think it’s normal to compare yourself to the other woman and he needs to be helping to really build your confidence up again so you don’t feel insecure

He is in some ways, the ways he can because he’s not a fountain of emotions but he’s done sweet and kind things and the whole getting back together and moving back in has been a great reassurance.. albeit terrifying. But other times if I need reassurance or have tried to approach talking about the other person it’s kind of shut down, he doesn’t like speaking on it and his answer is almost always she was just a nice girl and I feel bad for her being involved.

I'll happily give you my perspective on this.

The first relationship I had after breaking up with my ex-husband was the most intense experience I've had in my life. I thought I was completely in love with him because he was everything my ex wasn't and it was exciting because it was new and glossy. The reality was that once the feelings settled, I realised there was nothing holding us together. We had nothing in common and even the sex became boring in the end. This is probably what has happened here.

The fact that he is with you now and he finished with her tells you where his commitment lies. Assuming there was no infidelity during your marriage, I would take this as the clearest indicator that he's ready to work on it and that you're hid priority.

In saying this, you need to communicate your needs - if there's something you need from him then he needs to know. Give him a chance but be clear about your expectations.

Actually this is so very helpful. There have been small times where he’s spoke about things and said that she made him happy or she was nice to him and I’ve taken that as an attack on myself because things with us had been so bad but maybe you’re right in what you’re saying that yes he went all in but ultimately he made his choice. I do appreciate you sharing that even though I do still want the sexy undies from him!!