AIBU - partner sexual history

[Herewegoagain22]

My partner and I have been pretty transparent about our sexual history (or so I thought). For context this is F2F relationship. She’s always told me she had never been with men before and was always very sure of her sexuality. Then last night during conversation she’d brought up the fact she’d had a few one night stands, one being with a guy. Now what she did before I knew her is her prerogative, I just feel a little surprised that she lied about it. She said she was open about before, and when I adamantly said she hadn’t she said she had and said it was honestly a miscommunication. I feel now that the trust has gone a little. But also feel I am probably over reacting, as she is telling me it isn’t a big deal, which it isn’t. I think it’s more the fact it was a lie before. AIBU about this?

How long have you been together?
When did you have those previous talks about sexual history?

For more context we’ve been together two years and we had open talks before we made anything official

Is it possible she meant she hadn't been in a relationship with a man or had meaningful sex with a man?
I can certainly think of a couple of ONS I had back in my uni days that I don't really count as sex (yes I know they were sex).

Honestly I think if your partner was open about it now and didn't even realise it was an issue, she propably had no intention of keeping this a secret.

There's no way of going back to the moments of those conversations and reliving them to be sure of who said what. Sometimes wires just get crossed and things are lost in interpretation.

Is there any other history of lying, exaggerating, leaving out details, ...? Because of course if this is part of a larger pattern, I'd understand your concern.
If this is a one off, let it slide.

Also, could she be embarrassed? I mean if she has always been sure that she is a lesbian, then admitting to having sex with a man may make her worry you'll think that she wasn't so sure, or that you think less or her, or it somehow makes her less of a lesbian, or will give you the ick?

I mean there are threads on here all the time from women who say they could never be with a man who has had sex with another man.

To be honest I think you are overreacting. Maybe she meant she didn't really include him the first time because it was a ons and she absolutely had no serious interest in him but it drunkenly just kind of happened.
Or more likely, Maybe she feels shame about having had ons, especially with a man when she not actually into them, and therefore not disclosed them before.
We would all like to be 100% transparent about everything we've done in our lives with our partners, but due to feelings of shame and fear of rejection it can take time before we feel safe enough to disclose parts of our history we beat ourselves up about. And therefore it's a tall order to expect everything to be confessed at once.
The fact she came clean about it now, means that she is now feeling more secure and safe with you to let you in deeper. You would want to encourage this, and not bring her walls back up. By getting upset and "punishing" her for the disclosure, you will risk doing just that and she might fear bringing up other things you might not know yet.

Obviously things would be different if she was lying all the time and hiding big things from you that are happening now and affecting your current relationship. But this is something from her past long before you, that she might feel bad about and worried about telling you.
She needs your compassion, not anger.
That's the only way to encourage her to be more open and honest going forward, by being safe and compassionate, so she knows she can be fully honest with you.

Maybe that's just a potential problem that you unnecessarily set yourself up for when you divulge chapter and verse about your past exploits. It's nobody's business what goes on before. Doing that just enables someone to use the info against you in future.

Not my area of expertise but one of my closest friends is gay. She's always been gay. She's only ever fancied women.

Oh except that she told me last year that she once dated a boy just to be sure. She also said she didn't need to he sure but people kept suggesting to her that she hadn't met the right man yet 🙄 so she tried one out.

She doesn't include that boy in any of her sexual/relationship history because he was a blip.

Apparently, none of her partners (inc her wife) know about this. Its no one else's business.

No-one owes anyone any information about their past sexual history, not even a romantic partner. The only information a romantic partner is owed about their past is whether the other person has any STIs.

Some gay people look down on other gay people who've had heterosexual experiences in the past, maybe she was worried you'd do that, but now feels safe enough to tell you. Whatever the reason, she didn't have to tell you then and she doesn't have to tell you now.

All you're doing by making a big thing about it is ensuring that she'll hesitate before telling you anything like this in the future.

How can you be unreasonable? You haven't done anything except have some feelings, have you?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Forgiveness of essentially small and distant things (which this is) is really important in a LTR

And lying? How important is that in a LTR?

Let's put it this way. If my heterosexual oh told me he had been with a man now I would be annoyed but it's not break up territory. I know he has had threesomes and so have I but I never asked for details and assume it was two women. Not sure what he thinks about mine to be honest. I seriously don't think it matters what happened before we met, but if I had specifically asked and he had specifically lied I wouldn't be best pleased.

I don't really understand why it's an issue. The past is the past. Maybe she thought you'd react to it?

So it's ok to tell lies about your past, as long as it's to conceal things that your partner would 'react to'?

You can feel how you feel about it, but if you continue to dwell on it and hold it over her when it seems fairly clear there was no intention to hide something from you, she may have some feelings about your behaviour, too.

it seems fairly clear there was no intention to hide something from you

She repeatedly lied about it. That could indicate an intention to hide something, couldn't it?

Do you think that she didn’t feel ‘safe’ in sharing this information with you, like, perhaps you’d judge her for having been with men (not because of your approach or anything you’ve said or done, but because she set her own expectations too high/feels inauthentic as a lesbian because she’s experimented with men?)?
And now that she feels safe and authentic in her sexuality and sexual identity and crucially, in her relationship, she can live in truth and speak the truth (something my own aunt really discussed openly with her wife).