TLDR: my mum is in final stages of terminal cancer and my partner isn’t giving me the support I need. I left him yesterday but now I’m panicking because I need someone to lean on.
Im male 26, partner is male 34.
I have been with my partner for 2 years, it’s been a rocky relationship from the get go, heavy with trust issues but an overpowering love was there that made me feel like “he must be the one”. He knows all of my family really well and they are fond of each other.
We broke up a year ago (initiated by me) and reconciled 6 months later mostly because he was having a cancer scare and I put everything to the side to be with him. It turned out he didn’t have cancer but we had been through a lot of reconnecting in that time.
My mum was diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago, at the time me and my partner were living together in a city far from where we both are from, it was awful and he was supportive but the relationship was crumbling at the time and my emotions couldn’t handle both so I shut off from him.
I currently live in my hometown, with my mum who is now reaching the end of her life and I’m her full time carer. He lives 2 hours away in the city we used to live in.
I have a few occasions where he has upset me throughout this difficult period since we have been back together -
He attended the funeral of his friend’s family member. That night I found out my mum had months left to live (we thought she had recovered from cancer) I was distraught and told him I needed him with me. This was around 7pm. He said he would leave and be with me. Hours later he wasn’t at my house, he called at midnight and asked if he could just come tomorrow instead. I was shocked, I had vocalised that I needed him and he wasn’t there. Many will say “but he was at a funeral” but he was at the party part of the funeral (in his culture the evening of a funeral turns into a huge party) and I felt like I needed his support more than he needed to be there. His reasoning for not coming was because the Uber price had increased so there was no point spending that much when it would be cheaper in the morning (he doesn’t struggle financially at all). And then when I said that money shouldn’t come into you being here with me, he said that I was being selfish because he had to comfort his mum who was upset as her mothers passing was in a few days. I just left it and said come when you want. He came the next day. My heart was broken by the news and then I was feeling horrible from his actions.
He says to me he is here for me even if he isn’t there, and I can call him whenever but often doesn’t answer the phone which leads to me putting my walls up with him. Anyone that has been through something similar will know that words don’t do much, having someone to hug and cry on is what you need.
The next instance was just this weekend. I haven’t seen him for 3 weeks as my mum needs her space but he said the weekend before he wanted to come up and see me. (He travels to a city near where I live which is where he is from, an hour by train from my mums house.
He told me he was coming up on Friday and would be staying with his family. I said to him on Friday night shall we meet tomorrow for a few hours? He said yes and he would think about what we could do overnight.
Saturday came and I messaged him at 4:30pm to let him know I was free. He didn’t message me back until 7pm. Well at this point it was too late to meet - it takes an hour to get to where I live on a train and the last train back was at 10. By the time he would have got to the station and got to me it would have been 9 o clock. I called him and explained that I was upset - I didn’t feel like he was making seeing me a priority, he said he had been doing his cousins hair and said do you expect me to sit and stare at my phone waiting for you to tell me you’re free? Well call me selfish but right now I do (I said this to him). I’m going through emotional hell and need some support from my partner who I actually do want to want to be there for me at the drop of a hat. And more than that I want to know I can rely on him and he wants to be there. I have to imagine a future without a parent who has been my rock and not feeling like he would be there for me completely and truly freaks me out.
He was leaving to go back to where he lives on Sunday, he didn’t text me from 8pm Saturday night until 2pm Sunday. No apology, no can I come and see you let’s put this behind us. In fact he didn’t attempt to see me the time he was near me because I had vocalised that I was upset. I had vocalised that I didn’t feel like his priority during this time and he still didn’t get the message - come and give me a hug! Be the partner I need during this time!
This sparked a load of heated conversations over the past few days in which he’s said he feels like I don’t thank him enough for being there. He said I didn’t thank him for attending my sister’s wedding because he could’ve worked during my the days of the wedding. My sister threw the wedding so that my mum could see her get married before she passed, it was planned in 3 weeks, highly emotional, 14 people attended. I can’t believe he would think I should thank him for being there, to me he should want to be there it was such a special moment and way more important than some extra money.
On that topic - on the night of my sister’s wedding my mum was hospitalised. I spent the night sleeping in my step dads car in the hospital carpark, came back to the house we were in exhausted the next day and he looked at me as if he was pissed off I hadn’t been with him, no hugs. I find it hard to open up to someone like that but I was exhausted that day, it descended into fighting when I confronted him about it.
He said to me sorry I was up last night crying myself, I had to ring my mum as seeing your mum like that reminded me of my grandmother’s passing.
I was shocked again - way to make it about yourself, as if I’m meant to then comfort him after he hadn’t comforted me.
I found out yesterday that my mum will be moving to a hospice on Monday so these might be the last days we have with her in my family home. He hasn’t really spoken to me throughout the past week, blaming it on long days at work, we have probably shared about 8 texts over the last few three days when I have needed emotional support so badly.
Yesterday had text me asking how things were and something just came over me - I don’t want to tell him what’s happened because it feels like he doesn’t care and isn’t making the effort anyway. I rang him and said I can’t do this anymore, it’s hurting me too much not feeling like your priority and like you’re there for me whilst I’m going through all of this myself. I told him I didn’t feel like I was his priority and I feel like my future is so uncertain that I need someone next to me that doesn’t make me doubt whether they care completely or are actually there.
At the time I felt great, now I feel annoyed, like he has just got away with being a rubbish partner, doesn’t have to care anymore and I’ve given him what he most likely wanted. I am trying to lean on friends with my feelings about my mum but my natural reaction is to vent to him and I feel like I’ve cut a layer of support off. In my head when I think logically I think I’ve done the right thing but my heart is hurting. It’s like double heartbreak and I’m annoyed at myself for even thinking about him whilst I’m going through everything else.
I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing.