DH has PTSD/ mental health issues and I am splitting up with him

[Iceriver]

Dh and I have had a long marriage. He has always had mental health issues, but over lockdown this got a lot worse. He also always hated the high pressure career he was in. Just over a year ago he left his job and his GP now thinks he has work related PTSD.

His behaviour at home has always been up and down but over the past couple of years it was awful. He would be spaced out, disengaged, angry, shouting at me, passive aggressive. He is not able (or won't, I'm not sure which) to do anything around the house. He spends all day lying down and listening to the radio. He's not working, and plans to never go back to work. He doesn't think he could cope, and I agree with him that how he is now, I don't think he would cope.

We have two children (late primary age) who he loves and occasionally spends time with.

The situation became unbearable for me a few months ago. I had spent the preceding year more stressed than I had ever been, due to DH's behaviour. DH seemed totally oblivious to how I was affected by him. I have started the separation process and DH unwillingly agreed to move out.

He's now found a new place. However, I am so worried about his mental state. He went to pick up the keys yesterday and said that he had a panic attack. He really doesn't want to move out, and is very angry with me for, as he puts it, "forcing" him to move out. He spends most days staring into space or crying. I have tried to explain for years the impact of his behaviour on me - the anger, coldness, or just being treated as though I am invisible. He just doesn't seem to empathise at all.

I got him therapy which didn't really seem to help, and set up medical appointments for him. He's been on anti depressants for years. I've suggested that he reaches out to people, asks the GP to assess whether he's on the right medication, gets help from mental health charities, joins groups he might be interested in. He refuses any of those suggestions - I don't know if it's a pride thing? In fact a couple of times he's said to me that his mental breakdown was due to the stress of our relationship - so in one way I think he's blaming me for everything.

I know that his behaviour is due to his mental health problems. I feel so bad when I look at him and see how much he's struggling. I have no idea how he'll cope living on his own - he said he doesn't know either. He gets so anxious about everything - driving, cooking, having to fix things that go wrong.

I've struggled with the thought that I am abandoning him and giving up on my marriage, when I made a commitment "for better for worse, in sickness and in health". If someone got physically unwell I wouldn't split up with them, but I am splitting up with DH because of his mental health. I feel very guilty but I have myself felt so depressed and stressed for years about this. It's like having a third child, but worse. I know I will be a better mum for the dc when DH moves out. Also it's not like I'm totally giving up on him, I've told him that I will help him sort out his new place, I will always be there for him in any way I can be. I'm just so so tired of it always just being a one way relationship. I'm exhausted.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really - maybe just some assurance that I'm not a heartless bitch!

People have separated or left a marriage for far less OP.

I think you are doing the right thing. Getting him to agree to move out was the hard part. Just think how freeing it will be to not have to deal with this in your home every day. I know that might sound harsh but you deserve a good quality of life too. The way the situation was, you were both ill and depressed.

You’re doing the right thing. Over the years the relationship has impressed upon you that your needs, emotions and thoughts don’t matter - but they do matter. And finally you have made steps towards your own happiness.

It’s entirely possible that, once he has adapted, he flourishes. The previous status quo was keeping
you both in a negative place. But his future is up to him now. You are not responsible for him - you’ve tried.

There’s a Kirsty MacColl line that goes and if
you leave all your dependents/then they will gain their independence.

Look after yourself and your kids and allow yourself some rest.

You're not a heartless bitch and it sounds like you've done everything you can to support and help him and he won't help himself. But he's an adult and it's not okay to just chuck in your job and spend your days staring into space - we are all responsible for ourselves, for our own health and wellbeing - there is only so much that any other person - even a spouse - can do if he won't help himself. I don't blame you for separating and removing him from the home your DC are growing up in. I really hope he gets the help he needs and then steps up and helps you to raise your two DC - but this isn't on you. I know some people stay in horrible marriages to people who won't get help for their MH/addictions/whatever and it ruins both their lives and those of their DC.

A friend of mine's mother died recently. She was 80. She'd been an alcoholic for decades and how she lived to that age I'll never know. She was abusive, narcissistic and cruel. My friend's DF stuck by her and what happened was she ruined his life and career and she created a horrible, toxic home for my friend and her sister to grow up in. They'd all have been much better off if her DF had divorced her and raised his DC himself.

Very tough for you Op.

One thing that jumps out, you don’t mention support. Where are his siblings/friends/parents/people from tennis club? Where are yours?

You both need counselling (if you can afford it, prioritise it) as it is going to be very very tough making sense of all this. But you can’t live with him.

I totally sympathise. My DH had a breakdown and it was hell to go through. I was wondering if your X has any undiagnosed neurodiversity? Or any childhood trauma? What was the nature of their therapy? Did they see a psychiatrist or just a CBT counsellor? I can highly recommend DBT if your X is able to access it privately. For what it's worth I would have split up with my DH if he had not fully committed to therapy. At a certain point the other partner can enable a co dependent relationship and parting ways could be a trigger for getting help.

I suffer with anxiety and depression. I can’t work.
YANBU! You are not responsible for his mental health. You can’t fix him. You’re living in a toxic environment and he isn’t doing anything to change that. So you must.

I live separately to my DH because of similar issues OP. It has been the very best thing for our marriage and MY mh, which like yours had suffered a huge amount whilst trying to cope with his genuine and heartbreaking mental illness.

It doesn't need to mean the end of your relationship. It will however give you (and him) a peaceful space . There were some basic requirements from me to continue our marriage post separation - and that was to engage with therapy and medical care.

It has been nothing but positive for us. My DH still has bi-polar and cptsd BUT he is not the self absorbed arse that he had become during our long marriage living together. He wants me to spend time with him, so checks his behaviour.

The misconception with mental illness is the belief that those who suffer 'can't help their behaviour' which is complete bollox. They can, given the right motivation and always remember that genuinely poor MH and being a self absorbed arse are not mutually exclusive. There are large elements of choice involved. Only time will tell where those lines lay with your DH.

We have lived separately for 3 years now after 17 years of marriage living together. We see each other most days, we stay over at each others place more and more now. Averaging 5 days a week for the last year. We holiday together and apart. At the beginning it was closer to 2/3 days as I needed space to recover from him and his illness but like you OP, I made an 'in sickness and in health' commitment and agreed to stick with that as long as he made similar commitment to his vow love and honour me by improving his behaviour where he was able.

has he got a relationship with his family/are they nearby? I would tell them that you’re worried and make him ‘their problem’. It sounds like you have endured too much already.

I have had similar symptoms following a breakdown.

There are things he can do to help but he needs to do them. Only he can help himself. There comes a point where he needs to accept responsibility for himself.

If he is prepared to accept help then there are medications that help with anxiety - some anti depressants are better than others. Panic attacks can be helped with propanolol and also strategies like grounding and breathing.

But he has to want to do it.

The kids are your responsibility. He is secondary.

What a great post. Well done @canttellyouwhereorwhatido !

OP you said you felt bad about leaving him because you would stay with him if it was a physical illness.
But you're not leaving him because he is mentally unwell. You're leaving him because he is a terrible person to be around and is disengaged, abusive, blames you for his problems etc etc.
He is not honouring his marriage vows at all.
You also have a responsibility towards your children to raise them in a happy , peaceful home

Fantastic @canttellyouwhereorwhatido 👌

Also op, presumably he also made marriage vows along the lines of love and cherish.
If you cherish someone, you care and protect them, so if there is a serious ongoing problem of whatever kind, you seek a resolution. The fact he doesn't is, on the one hand perhaps understandable as he sounds incredibly low, but on the other it can't be accepted as a permanent state with zero attempt over the long time it's been going on to try to find a way to get better.

Sounds like he was a square peg in a round hole for far too long, he needs to heal and find his niche in life where he can blossom. But if he isn't trying to do that, after lots of support and time, then he isn't cherishing what he has for that's got... You and his family and home.

From that point of view he has not kept his marriage vows.

I hope this change helps him see what he has been blind to all this time and gives him agency and motivation. If all his support doesn't entirely fall away but he has time for reflection and has to find his gumption maybe your story can be a positive outcome too.

You are doing the right thing. I work with someone with a husband in a similar situation. It is ruining her life. I will be delighted if she leaves him.

He has a difficult time of it for definite but her being with him isn't lessening his suffering, just making her suffer too.

I separated from my DW a few months ago, due to her mental health. I sympathise, and to answer your question, no, we are not selfish b*s (choose a word):

• DC come first
• marriage vows are mutual. His behaviour created a situation where you cannot keep yours
• Having no room to blame you for his problems will help him ("the patient must minster to itself" -- lady mcbeth's doctor)

When I doubt myself about my decision, I look to little things. My DDs changing, trauma responses receding. Their requests for safety. The end of my sleep deprivation... I know that this was the right decision.

You will grow emotionally in new directions and in time so will your DH. One day hopefully he will thank you for putting a rocket under his sorry ass, even if it's painful at first.

Mental health is a very difficult one because as you say, you signed up for "in sickness and in health" but I think the problem is that too often Mental Health problems are used as an excuse to act in ways that are not okay, or even abusive.

I have known a few people in real life with serious mental health problems, and have read lots of posts on here. And the one thing I've noticed is that the severity of the problems vary massively, but that the response seems to be just two binaries - The first is people who feel terrible about their mental health, guilty about the way it impacts the way their lives and the lives of their loved ones, are trying their best (sometimes more successfully than at other times) to move on and get better, and are often stressed and unhappy about how they don't feel the joy or the benefits of the things they're doing. The second is people who sit back and use their MH as a reason to not DO anything - nothing to help themselves, nothing to help their families etc.

Interestingly, overall, I also notice that people in the second group are MORE likely to be men and that often when they're refusing to do anything or seek help, it's their families and children who are suffering. The absolute worst ones still manage to go to the pub/have hobbies etc.

I think when your partner is ill but genuinely is trying, whatever the illness, the obligation and commitment to keep trying is there. But when they use it as an excuse to opt out, they're not living up to THEIR vows. Just like if DH was paralysed, of course he'd be able to do less etc, but I'd like to think he' still be there for me and the DC emotionally, he'd do what he could etc, as would I in that situation.

@GingerIsBest is right Op, your DH is doing nothing to help himself, even when you've tried to get him help he's refused. You can't let your DC's lives be spoilt by their Father's behaviour especially when they're so young.
Hopefully being away from you will finally make him address his problems

Absolutely leave him. Not for your DC but for yourself. And don't feel an iota of guilt. I wouldn't.

I pushed for separation from my husband. Not mental health, but a chronic physical health condition. His behaviours were similar in that he either could not or would not see the impact it was also having on me and did little to try and help himself until it was too late.

I spent a number of years effectively grieving and this had a big impact on my son. I found myself married to someone I barely recognized both physically and emotionally. When I questioned how I could carry on for the next 40 years of my life with all the joy and hope sucked out, I finally decided it was sink or swim.

I spend a lot of time berating myself for being a cold heartless person, and have been ill myself which I'm quite sure is related to the stress and guilt. I am in a much better place. I've been surprised that friends and family have very much seen my side of things - I was expecting more fall out.

It's a comfort reading some of the responses on here, particularly the viewpoint of marriage vows working both ways.

Maybe it helps to think of it more like this:

You're not splitting up with him because of his mental health. You're splitting up with him because of his consistent refusal to address his issues and make any attempt to help himself.

You're splitting up with him because he also made promises in your marriage, to be there and contribute to the relationship and family and to support you emotionally - he has failed to do those things.

It is not a one way street. You are not responsible for him, his actions, his mood, his behaviours. He is an adult and responsible for himself.

If anything, I believe you should step even further back - don't be there for him, don't help him out. He needs to have that clarity that his actions and behaviours are what dictates how his life is, and then he can start to realise and fix them (or not, but that's also his choice and not your responsibility).

You've been trying to help him for years - it hasn't worked. Cut the cord and let him figure it out for himself.

I've learnt this the hard way. Rescuing people doesn't work. They don't change and in the end (as yours is doing), they nearly always end up blaming you (often because you're the only one left, as they've driven everyone else away).

In the end, I finally learnt to let go and not take on responsibility that isn't mine.
I'm much happier for it.