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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Difficult and confusing time,anyone else been in this situation?

6 replies

Applesandpears1806 · 01/02/2024 21:28

So bear with me...after a difficult period, my husband and I have separated temporarily(my choice). I'm 37,he's 38, and we have a DS who is 7.
In a nutshell, in September last year I found he'd been msging a another woman(24) this included pictures also,but nothing more. At this point we had been drifting apart for about 12-18 months before. I chose to work through this with him giving him another chance,trying to build trust again which has been happening,but our relationship has still been difficult. Then the first week in January this year, the strain of it all made me call a temporary separation on things,which I know is the right decision for me as an individual and as a mother.
He is now going to counselling to work through his childhood issues,and is making positive changes in his parenting choices(he has struggled at times in the past which has also been part of the problem)
He is now sleeping in his office to give us both time and space.
He is a good man,who has made bad choices at times and handled things badly as far as his mental health is concerned. As it stands we are comfortable living together and co-parenting,we're talking regularly about what's on our minds.
But their is still alot of love for each other after 17 yearstogether. Not having the answers and all the uncertainty is so confusing and hard!
Has anyone gone through something similar and came through the other end and found each other again,and been the stronger for it?
Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 01/02/2024 21:51

I've not been through this, but didn't want to read and run.

If you reckon there's still love there and it's worth fighting for, you might as well try.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Channellingsophistication · 01/02/2024 22:59

Hopefully some time apart will help you work out your feelings and see whether there is anything worth salvaging. Why the drift in first place? Just busy lives and little time for each other? Maybe some counselling together might help?

ArchetypalBusyMum · 01/02/2024 23:03

Been through some tough times.
This book was a game changer
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Not-Relationship/dp/0747585520

Our love never actually died, but the flame got neglected and we had to breathe life back into it. Which we managed, stronger than ever now I think.

Applesandpears1806 · 01/02/2024 23:12

Thanks for the replies,yes he started retraining and is now in the middle of a degree, I'm currently about to start retraining to,but not to the same level as him.
The sudden change in our work/homelife balance was a hard for me,hence the cracks due to this and less time together

OP posts:
Applesandpears1806 · 01/02/2024 23:12

I'll check the book out,thanks!

OP posts:
ArchetypalBusyMum · 01/02/2024 23:22

Doing a degree with two young children was a low point for us too, we were like ships in the dark and spread so thin. It's possible to come back from it though. If you both want to. And the act of trying their is a renewal of your commitment, and you can encourage each other.

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