Hugely private (ex) partner

[lifeohlifeohhhhlife]

Hi there

I have recently ended a relationship and I hope I have made the right choice but I'm still incredibly upset by it, and just wanted to get others perspectives.

I have known my now ex for a couple of years, always knew he was the quiet and shy type. He is SO private - nothing wrong with that, but to the point me nor our group of friends knew his mother had passed away a couple of years prior to when we met. We found out maybe a year into knowing him? He has a daughter who he shares contact with his daughter's mum.

We were always such good friends, always chemistry there, and we decided to recently 'go for it'. And it was amazing. Really it was. He has the same values as me, we wanted the same things, our humour was brilliant, it was really good. But the reason we have separated is because he is SO private. To the point he hasn't told his friends or family about us, because he says he's 'not ready.' We've been 'together' (basically partners) for around 5 months now. He's not with his ex, I've met her, and I don't think there's anyone else - but then again who knows. He doesn't seem the type but everyone says that.

The other thing is that he is basically a classic avoidant, which I know can sadly be a red flag. He openly admits he can't talk feelings and you can see him shut down. He never told his ex or his family 'I love you'. He knows it's not necessarily the norm, but he really struggles. He hates conflict, as does anyone, but if anything arises he would rather tell himself that we weren't meant to be, and it's over.

I know there will be plenty of people out there like this and I just wondered if anyone had any experiences of this, or how they handled it. I guess we must be imcompatible because I was so proud of him being with me, I didn't want to tell everyone but it would have been nice to meet his other friends, maybe his family (I know too soon for daughter.) He said he was proud to be with me but he just wasn't ready to tell them, because he said why do they need to know his private life when it doesn't involve them.

I am trying really really hard not to message him (which I am struggling with) and it feels like he can just turn his feelings off. He said just because he appears that way it doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything. I guess I just want him to say "I have made a huge mistake, I want to tell everyone about us and tell you how much I care for you!" but i know that's not him, I don't want to change him (well, some parts, maybe he could be more open) but I know that's not fair and we're probably just incompatible.

It's such a shame as other than those (huge) things, we really were great.

I'd welcome any thoughts from anyone. Thanks in advance.

It was 5 months... That's not partners. I also wouldn't introduce a boyfriend to family so soon tho...

However, your boundaries and deal breakers are yours, and doesn't matter what anyone else thinks

Thanks, I understand what you mean. I used the term partners as we had the chat and were together but it sounded a bit young to say boyfriend and girlfriend, we're both mid to late thirties.

I'm wondering if my boundaries and deal breakers are reasonable and perhaps it was my issue, but I think the lines were blurry as we'd known eachother for a couple of years so it felt we were very close anyway. Thank you for your input, it's food for thought.

My ex was avoidant in many ways although I did meet friends and family eventually. We separated as he couldn’t say ILY I stayed with him way longer than I should’ve.

Also I would rather talk things through as an adult but he would just shut down. I was walking on eggshells constantly

I wouldn’t describe him as being “private” I would describe him as being completely unable to communicate … anything … at all … ever. Do not get back together with this person.

I would also recommend you ask yourself why you are attracted to someone who is so completely emotionally shut down and unavailable. This is not a healthy attraction. Not judging you at all, I just want you to look at why you’re attracted to someone like this.

@AlwaysRain thank you for your messaging. I think subconsciously I was hoping someone would say something like you because there is a niggle there - as much as I want him back - that something isn't right. It's been playing on my mind.

He is completely shut down and unavailable and he knows it. I do judge me because I wonder why I am so bonded to him, why I keep going back for more when he does treat me quite badly, whether he means to or not. I don't think he even realises.

I probably should see a therapist over this, but any ideas why I keep wanting him and why I'm so attracted to someone so unavailable?

Everyone wants what they can't have, especially when they're offered tit bits at a time.

Well done on stepping back before you get completely embroiled.

Anxious attachment.

My current partner was like this at the beginning. I felt like he was embarrassed of me, or maybe keeping his options open, and it caused me a great deal of sadness. We'd been together for about 15 months before I met his parents. Also, I said ILY months and months before he did.

He just said that he was slow with these things, and that his privacy was important to him. I think that part of it was hurt left over from a previous relationship and being insecure that I'd leave him and he'd have to tell his family and friends.

I gave him time and he did come round, which I'm not sure your ex ever would have done tbh, from what you've written. But we've both compromised now- he's still a bit too private for me, and it makes me insecure, but he's not hiding me anymore.

I’m with someone like this. We’ve been on and off for over a year because when we get closer he freaks out and sabotages it. He’s a lovely guy but has some residual issues from a previous relationship, and also had an abusive childhood so I know why he’s closed off. But it isn’t easy to deal with.

But when we’re apart I miss him, he misses me and says he knows he’s made a mistake the minute we separate, so we start spending time together as friends and end up falling back into a relationship! It’s very messy, and I wouldn’t entertain it if I wanted a proper relationship, but tbh I’m so over online dating and I’m in my 50s so not looking for a life partner/father for my kids etc, just someone that I enjoy spending time with.

I have a (realistic!) suspicion that he will fuck it up again so I’m trying not to get too attached. At your age I wouldn’t even entertain it!

I did this for two years on and off. His mother never knew that I existed nor his sister. Our friends knew. During an off time I met my future husband. He was upset but I couldn't keep being rejected.

He did marry a lovely woman and made her very miserable until the day he died.

He is emotional incompetent.

Don't waste your life

He's not private, he's completely emotionally unavailable, and he sounds insufferable, to be honest. This man will never, ever give you what you need or make you feel secure.

As others have said he has huge problems with emotion. This is not something most people will be able to tolerate. You will be at his whim and your self esteem will erode over time. It will be very tiring and challenging, especially as time goes on and you want to live and enjoy life.

You want to be with someone who can't wait to shout about you from the rooftops, not hide you in a cupboard if someone knocks on the door!

I’m a bit like this. I have to be absolutely sure then more sure before I ‘let myself go’. I’m a massive slow burner. It takes me ages to decide if I want to be with someone & I guess it could be seen as I’m emotionally unavailable, but I’m really not. I’m also very private. 5months would still be in my ‘cautiously optimistic’ phase!

5 months does sound soon (especially as he has a child). Although saying why do people need to know about my private life when it doesn’t involve them seems odd! Was he planning on never telling them!

At five months, I’d still be at the initial ‘seeing someone’ phase.