hoping some can share some advice with me on what to do in this situation. Abit of a backstory
This is going to be long...
My husband and i have been married for nearly 4 years and have been together for 16 years. We have been having some issues for a while now. It started to get bad around 3 years ago after he found out I had messaged an old male friend back and we had been talking. It was during the lockdown and i guess i felt lonely i dont know. I knew it was wrong and stopped doing it but would still reply now and then if he messaged to ask how I was as i didnt want to be rude.
After husband found out he paid someone to hack all of my accounts, email, Google, snapchat, etc. to see what had been sent
If I downloaded an app onto my phone he would know straight away.
Before all this we have had alot of problems around him and my eldest son (who is not his) and is now 18. This has caused arguments between us and him saying that I always take my sons side.
And him sulking and refusing to speak to me for days sometimes weeks.
He's thrown my son out of the house multiple times, so my son then goes to my mums house which causes arguments between me and her as she doesn't want him there full time either.
We have 5 children together. When I told him I was pregnant with our last child who is now 3 and wasn't planned he sat and sulked for two days and kept making snide remarks like well there's no point getting new furniture because another baby is just going to bash it with toys etc.
While I was in labour he sat and rolled his eyes and sighed how long is this going to take?
Now our little boy is here he dotes on him but it was like he was annoyed at me for having another baby.
He absolutely detests one of my friends and anytime I want to go round to her house he gets annoyed and causes an argument so I just don't bother anymore.
The last time he got someone to drive past and look in her window to make sure no one else was there.
I have another friend who he said he doesn't mind me going to but even then I have to tell him in advance so he can look after the kids otherwise the atmosphere is unbearable.
Since the texting incident he has made an effort with helping around the house and the kids more, and by trying to control his moods and talking more. He has been buying me expensive gifts which is nice but I don't expect. I feel smothered and even more like i cant do anything because i have to be grateful hes getting me this stuff.
Only last year he's been ok with me going for a regular hair appointment as before he would get annoyed if I went tonthe hairdressers as it was always on his day off and he'd had to have the kids. But this was the only time I could go as it was my day off too. I used to work two nightshifts a week and after the second one if I fell asleep in the evening he'd get annoyed and wake me up because that was HiS time with me. He also doesn't let me sleep if we are arguing.
Last year I started getting into fitness to loose my baby weight and started working out with weights at home and now feel really good in myself and my clothes.
Whenever we argue he brings up oh now you've lost all this weight and your getting loads of attention your trying to look for it. I also started reading some books to do with spiritual awakening and he says things like oh why don't you live by what it says in your book. It's like any new thing I try or get into he has to have a dig at it so I don't do it anymore.
Early last year I found out that I was pregnant again and rushed into a decision to have an abortion which I now regret and feel so guilty and ashamed of. Its taken a long time and I'm still not over it. I just couldn't go through it all again as things were still not good between me and him.
He blames me for this and says I've now got mental health issues even though he said he supported the decision and didn't want anymore kids. Especially after how he was with our youngest.
At the beginning of last month I decided we should separate but have been unable to find anywhere suitable to live. So I've had to stay in the house. He picks my phone up whenever he feels like it and starts going through it.
The arguments have been getting worse lately so he decided when we are properly separated he would have the kids one week and I'd have them the next.
I asked him why can't you just have them the days I work like he does now, but he's not having them every weekend apparently so that won't work.
Last week he decided he couldn't be around me anymore in this situation so got his work to pay for him to go away abroad for a week. He then said when I come back you need to go away for a week. He still expected me to send him pictures of myself and phone sex while he was away and then real sex as soon as he got back. He then found out my eldest had stolen some money out of the drawer so threw him out again. As I hadn't done anything about it, but I didn't know.
He kept asking if I was going to go, I didn't have anywhere to go or alot of money so it ended in a row and I left to go to a hotel. I didn't realise until the next day when I went to go back to get some things he had taken my key. I waited until he was home and he said I'm not coming in while he wasn't there.
He then tried to track my phone and accused me of being with someone in the hotel.
I've spent most of my wages or anything I had saved for a new place on hotels and food for me and my son over the last few days. I've now managed to get back in the house as middle son let me in while husband was at work.
Last night another row escalated and him saying why couldnt you just f off for a week like i did and him calling me a whore who can't keep her legs closed even though I've only been with him for 16 years. And then him saying he's applying for jobs abroad and has spoken to a solicitor and exploring options to take the kids with him . I ended up throwing a glass of wine at him.
He now thinks we should go to relate and get counselling
Sorryn this post is very long I just don't know what to do for the best. I've also had my mum on the phone having a go at me saying that I should make my marriage work and the grass isn't greener etc as she thinks hes great as hes just done the house up and all she talks about is home renovations and mking her house better.
I obviously want what's best for the children but I feel trapped with no way out of this so feel I have to make it work and just be miserable