Dating as a empty nester

[historiccastles]

I recently ended a 2 year relationship for a number of reasons but the fact that blending our respective families was too difficult was one of them.

I have 2 teenage daughters. Prior to meeting my ex, I'd been single for 8 years so it was quite a big deal to me to open my heart to someone new. And a big deal for my daughters too. My daughters initially liked him but by the end they resented him taking my time away from them. Being honest, this was 50% them wanting me to themselves and 50% him having unreasonable expectations about how much time I could give him. E.g. he wanted me to stay over one weeknight a week on my own without my children, spend every weekend with him and he'd rarely travel to me or stay at mine, it was always me or me and the girls travelling. Either way I felt constantly pulled in two and it was horrible. We lived about 90 minutes apart and I felt I lived my life on the road between our houses and it was never good enough for anyone. He had a younger son who wanted us to get married and live together but I wouldn't uproot my kids to move.

So I'm not hugely bothered about being single again as I've done it before and can do it again. But I don't want to be single forever and one day I do want to marry again. I also don't want to date just for the company/sex, I only want to date if I'm ready for a committed relationship.

I was thinking what makes the most sense is to focus on my kids, my job and expanding my social life in general for the remaining relatively short time until my kids go to university. (I had no time for friends as I was always travelling to see my ex, working, or with my kids.) Effectively we're talking three and a half years as they are in Y10 and Y11 now.

I know that they'll yo yo back after university, will be back in the holidays and may even live with me after, but it will be a different dynamic, they won't need me as much as they do now, and I will have more time to date.

What worries me though is that I'll be 45 by then and already all I seem to read about is how all men think even women over 30 are over the hill, see single mums as easy etc. Am I kidding myself that I'll be able to find someone decent?

Any experiences from people who left dating till after their kids had grown would be much appreciated.

i have just come out of a 3 year relationship with my partner for several reasons but the toing and froing between houses when my girls went to their dads every other weekend was driving me crazy, when I enjoy my home more. We didn’t live together and I have 2 girls yr 9/12 with the older one really resenting him when he started to stay over lots. It caused issues as I had been on my own for years and she wasn’t used to having a man around. Cut a long story short I am mid forties now on my own by choice. I know my girls will not need me much longer but happy for next few years to spend time with them, concentrate on my work and hobbies. I don’t want to meet someone with young kids so the older I am, the more chance their kids will have grown up. Then happy to focus on a new relationship.
I am sure you will find someone decent but I would love to hear other peoples experiences too.

Just don't hope that you're going to meet a decent one online. I'm 47 and my kids are still primary age.
It's dire. All men in their 40s just aren't interested in women their own age.
The older men are just dire.
Try meeting guys in real life for more luck.
I've given up.

My friend is a very glamorous 53 and has a different fella every weekend all through match dot com. She is extremely picky so I think you will be fine.

45?! Jeez I'm early 60s with an 18 year old. You don't have to swear off relationships totally - just go slow and hopefully the next guy won't be such a time hog.

Stop worrying how people generalise on how they think men will see you, that does nothing for your self esteem, the ones that say negative things like they only go for young women, or don't do online dating are such downers and don't have a good opinion about themselves.

It's not true, You will meet someone that like you for you they won't be bothered by your age or because you're a mum.
Plenty do find another relationship and get remarried, you probably know of a few yourself.

I started dating casually at 49. Ds was 15 and I only saw people in the afternoons, in other towns. That was hectic. It was probably a good thing for me that lockdown meant I had to stop.

Decided to look for something a bit more serious at 51, though I was a bit conflicted about it. Ds was then 17. I met dp about 3 months in. We knew it had legs almost straight away. With ds at that age I felt able to stay over at dp's at times - his kids are older. Dp and I moved in together when ds was 20 and at uni. That seemed quite soon enough.

I would just say, know what you are looking for. I don't think at our age we should compromise on anything important to us, though we will need to adjust. The people we are with should make our lives better than they are when we're single. Living together is not compulsory. And there definitely are great people out there, at pretty much any age. Of course there are - you're one of them.

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Thanks all. I know 45 is relatively young in the scheme of things but I guess because it took so long for me to meet someone I wanted to date to start with, I'm a bit nervous.

I've yet to encounter men in their 50s as I had my search parameters locked down when online dating but a lot of men in their 40s seemed to want women in their 30s for a second chance at happy families if they were the type to settle down. I'm hoping being a bit older might mean more of a chance to meet someone else with grown kids.

@PermanentTemporary I guess that was kind of what I'd hoped would happen with me and my ex but he wanted me staying over every week which I didn't think was fair on my girls, with the younger only being 14. And he rarely if ever came here, he said he 'didn't feel welcome'.