How to set boundaries with a friend…

[Hessy87]

Hi Mumsnet,
Ive known this friend for as long as I can remember. She is the sibling of one of my very close friends.
The friend in question has high functioning autism which I’m aware will impact her ability to respect boundaries etc.
Prior to Covid-19 we had the kind of friendship where we’d meet up a few times a year and send birthday/Christmas cards. Just before Covid struck her parents moved a considerably further distance away which I think left her feeling a bit isolated.
With me being the closest person living to her it resulted in me seeing her a lot more than I usually would. I was aware that she’s quite vulnerable and wanted to make sure that she was ok.
That being said , the contact became relentless. She would expect to meet up every time I had a day off. She would bombard me over several different platforms whatsapp, Facebook and Instagram to find out my days off to make a plan. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and wouldn’t relent until I committed to a date to meet. I was working in the hospital during Covid and it really was a huge additional pressure that I didn’t need.
Unfortunately this expectation is still happening now and fighting her off is a weekly battle. I have tried so many times to set boundaries especially now that I have a baby. I do see her now and then but as soon as I do she demands to commit to our next meet and won’t take no for an answer. I’m not proud of this but sometimes I agree to meet and just cancel closer to the time just to get some peace. I know that this isn’t the right way to deal with the situation but I’ve been at a loss.
I feel that since her parents have moved away she’s become very demanding and entitled and I feel like I’ve become more of a carer than a friend. She’ll sit back and expect me to pay for lunch/coffees. She also brings along huge booklets of fan fiction that she writes and expects me to read it. It sounds awful to say but it’s really become a chore and I’m full of anxiety over it.
She really is a lovely person and the last thing I would ever want to do is upset her. I’ve spoken to my friend (her sibling) about it before and they politely spoke to her explaining that I was busy etc and didn’t have time to constantly meet etc. I know that I have to raise it again but more firmly. I need help to phrase it in a way that isn’t going to cause her upset. I’d still like to be her friend but in the way it was before. I feel like if things don’t change then my only option is to walk away completely.

Could you schedule something regular maybe once a month? And make it clear that there will be no additional meet ups.

You don’t sound awful, you sound lovely and you’ve prioritised her needs over yours for too long.

The solution seems pretty clear but I understand how hard it is in reality.

Start with thinking about would work for you? Monthly? Perhaps sometimes a cinema trip or other activity so that you’re getting something out of it rather than her setting the agenda with her writing every time. You must set out exactly how you want it to work and be clear that you won’t be available outside this arrangement - and ride out her reaction!

That sounds really tough OP. I think you have to try and prioritise your own needs but I can understand how difficult that must be to implement.

As others have said, can you cope with a less frequent meet up? Every 4/6 weeks? And definitely do not pay for her. You have to be more firm and say, "yours came to £15". Or when the waiter comes over just say can we split the bill please, I had X etc

I think it’s time to walk away - you are only seeing her out of duty and because she badgers you.
Break up with her kindly and no longer see her as I doubt she will accept low contact.

I would start saying no and then disappear off the radar.

But as you sound nicer than me, you just need to tell her clearly that you don’t have time to meet as often as she wants. You have other responsibilities and demands. Set out to her exactly the amount of contact you can handle. Be transactional and clear about it. If she has autism then she needs that clarity and to not be asked to read between the lines.

I think the schedule is a good idea. Frist Friday of the month or whatever.

Can you rest the expectation by saying you aren’t feeling great mentally with anxiety and you need a break from any social contact for a little while eg two months.

“Please don’t send me lots of messages as it is making me anxious at the moment and I need to focus on my mental health for a bit. I won’t be able to meet up whilst I’m having therapy and concentrating on getting better but I do value your friendship and when I’m well I’ll be in contact for a catch up.”

go off the radar for a few weeks and don’t reply to her in that time. If that works you can resume contact with new boundaries later if you feel you want to.

You have a little one … walk away completely. Don’t waste your baby’s childhood years.
you are not responsible for the well being of this person.
I wonder if there’s a reason their parents moved away …

You sound too nice / kind to cut her off but that will probably end up being what you have to do as your child must now take priority and she doesn’t take on board what you say to her.

In the meantime the PP suggestion of going to the cinema or something else where you both get value from meeting is gold.

But that also means toughening up about insisting she pays her way. Just tell her you can’t spend your money on her now that you have a child add “I’m sure you understand” and watch and wait until she agrees. She can hardly say that she doesn’t

I would not see her once a month even. You are finding it difficult. It's perfectly fine to put yourself first.

You sound a very lovely person op.

My dd is autistic. She has a lot of problems over the years when it comes to friendships. She can be quite possessive and needs a lot of input from them. It usually ends in the friendship breaking up. This horribly upsets her as you cant imagine why it happens so many times. She can feel very lonely and not understand their reasoning.

It might be worth approaching her sibling again as they will know the best way to put things across to her. And maybe encourage her to attend groups that share the same interest as her? Sounds like she could do with like minded friends.

Thank you for being a kind friend when this person really needed it. The world needs more people like you. But don't be scared of putting those boundaries in place. She may be upset for a time but she will most likely understand in the long run x

I have autism and so do some of my friends.

One of them was very much like this. He lived 'in the now' so, if he hadn't seen me for 2 days, he hadn't seen me for 'ages' and he questioned me (relentlessly) on whether we were still friends.

I found this overwhelming because, for me, a quick text exchange is as good as meeting up (and easier) whereas he needed constant social contact.

I found that having a set night of the week/fortnight/month worked for a bit until he started questioning why I couldn't see him more often and friends want to see each other and what was I doing those other nights that meant I couldn't see him. If I had a day off, why wouldn't I want to see him on days off? That's what friends do. He completely lacked the ability to understand I had my own wants and needs too. He completely disregarded that some of the times we didn't see each other was because he was busy! He just knew he hadn't seen me.

We bought a diary and coloured pens. Each of his commitments was colour coded to help him see when he was also busy and that he didn't have time to see me more often even when I was free. But eventually he accused me of using this to control and manipulate him because he could see there were days he was free when he still hadn't seen me and couldn't understand that on those days I was busy or just needed time to myself. Because he hated having time to himself.

Eventually, I just had to explain that I couldn't be friends with him anymore. It wasn't his fault but the stress and anxiety it was causing me was too much and the impact on my life was too great.

Autistic people might not naturally have the same ability to see the bigger picture but we can learn to operate within it. We can find strategies to manage the feelings so that they don't impact on others.

If she isn't able to do that then a low contact approach won't work. She expects/needs/wants hgh contact and will also be stressed and anxious by the situation. She won't be able to accept it. For a lot of autistic people, it's all or nothing. If you can't give her all, she will find nothing easier in the long term.

Sounds like a difficult one! I think you did the right thing in talking to your other friend (her sister) about it. Did that have any impact?

Hard as it is, I guess you have to try and be clear that you can't see her as often as she wants. Maybe you could try to take the lead in social meet ups e.g. if she asks to meet on Friday say "no, but what about X date?" (a few weeks away). That's assuming you do want to carry on seeing her occasionally.

The fact that she expects you to pay for things sounds like a bit of a red flag though. Where did that expectation come from? I'd try to put a stop to that. She might even lose interest in the frequency of the meet ups if she starts having to pay for herself!

Where does her own sibling come into this equation OP?

I'm sorry OP, but you need to have some balls and tell her (I mean that in the nicest possible way) otherwise she will not stop! I too would find this incredibly suffocating ngl!

I'd tell her that you value her as a friend, however the constant messages etc is too much, as is the pressure to meet up, so how about we agree on a meet up once a month?

It does seem like you've opened the door to the only sort of friendship she wants and may not be able to shut it. I imagine it was the type of relationship with her parents she's replacing and you're only now realising the intensity with them having moved away.... I'm guessing her sibling doesn't live close by either? Does she have other friends?

I echo a pp that some people can't tolerate a medium ground - it's all or nothing. I had a friend like this (wasn't diagnosed autistic but she exhibited some traits) who I enjoyed a relaxed friendship with for years. Saw each other every couple months, but stayed in touch on message. I then changed jobs and had more free time and another friend of hers moved away and suddenly her contact was relentless. It got so bad I had to be honest with her how much anxiety it was causing me and it made no difference. Our friendship ended.

I then bumped into her other friend who told me she'd experienced the same for years and was only recently she'd had the courage to walk away. Similarly she'd tried to put boundaries in but they didn't work. We noticed then that the girl had befriended someone new and started the same intense friendship with them! It was just a pattern of behaviour for her that was never going to change. Because it wasn't the people she was connecting with but the dynamic of constant contact. Maybe it was the only way she knew to relate.

I think you can try scheduled contact but I feel it won't satisfy her. Her sibling could help you navigate these waters.

This sounds really tough. I echo other posters, that you should figure out how often you'd be happy to meet and make it a routine thing. If she's autistic, she may struggle with the ambiguity of "I can't meet up as often anymore". She'll need to know exactly what that means.

Make sure she knows ahead of time that you can't afford to pay for her anymore, especially with a new baby, she should understand.

First of all, tell her to look online for forums where people post fanfiction and other people read and comment. That should keep her busy for a while.

Thank you to everyone that’s taken the time to reply. There’s a lot of really good advice here.
ive been feeling really eaten up with guilt and anxiety over the situation but it’s come to a head and cannot continue the way that it has. It is no longer fair on me.

I’ve agreed to meet her for lunch next week where I will explain how busy I am etc and meet ups are not going to be as frequent now that I’ve got my daughter.
If the relentless messaging and contact continues then I will be sending a stern message relaying what was discussed at lunch. I will also speak to her sister. If things continue after that then I will have no other choice than to cut contact with her completely. I think that’s more than fair. This has gone on for a long time and quite frankly I’m exhausted.