I don't know what to do. Feeling awful

[Ollypickles]

Bare with me, this is gonna be a long one.

I'm 26 and my ex partner is 36. When we met, things moved extremely fast and he was already living with me within a month and within the second month I was pregnant. ( First child for both of us).
I was really unsure about keeping the pregnancy but decided to keep it from which our beautiful daughter was born.

During the pregnancy is when things started to go tits up. We both work full time and he is on about 3 times times more than I make but I started to notice he is very tight with money. I was paying for most things. The only things he bought for our daughter is her pram. I bought everything else. We argued about this endless times, he even moved about for a bit but nothing changed and I wanted to be a family so we stayed together.

So sometime down the line, when our daughter was about 1. I dropped my phone and it broke so I couldn't use it. I needed to look up something online so he gave me his phone. I went through it and found numerous messages from women. He even had tinder installed. I was so low and insecure and this point so shamefully I chose to forgive him as long as he removed the apps and women off of his phone.

So, early last year I got back in contact with an old friend. Her son and my daughter are the same age so we started spending a lot of time with her. I would stay with her a lot as her house was bigger than mine and the kids got along so well. A couple of months into this, she introduced me to her brother ( I had never met him before). He's 28. He seemed okay and he would spend a lot of time round the house as my friends partner and him were quite close also. Now, my friend mentioned to me that her brother liked me. I brushed it off and never mentioned anything to him.

My partner had been to my friends house a few times and met everyone and got on okay with them.

So in October last year me and my partner broke up for good. I had caught him texting another woman again and I was done. He used seeing our daughter as an opportunity to ask for another chance but I always shut it down. I was done for good.

So in November, my friend and her brother lost their dad very unexpectedly very young. He was in his 50s. I rushed to be by her side. My ex partner had taken my daughter for a week to see his mum in another city so it was just me.

During this time, I spent a lot of alone time with my friends brother and after some wine one night we ended up sleeping together. The next day we spoke about it and he said he didn't want it to be a one time thing and he really did like me.
He was aware that I had just ended things with my ex and I just asked that we take things slow and not let anyone know. So we started seeing each other then.

Fast forward to last week, my daughter was very unwell due to a very scary allergic reaction and had to spend a couple of nights in hospital. My ex partner and I were both at the hospital with her. As we were sitting by her bedside, my phone rang and it was my friends brother. My ex grabbed the phone out of my hand and went absolutely ballistic.

He asked me to swear on my daughters life that I wasn't seeing my friends brother. I didn't say anything. He called me every name under the sun and told me he was going to hurt my friends brother. He stormed out of the hospital. I haven't seen him since but he's been continuously sending really abusive texts. He has told me if I need any money for our daughter, I should ask my friends brother and he will try to get my daughter removed from my care.
He has rang my friends brother and threatened him with violence. To be honest, I am scared that he will become violent with me when he sees me.

I feel really awful about all of this, I've moved on quickly and I feel terrible because I know my ex still has feelings for me. My feelings are gone and Ive explained that to him multiple times. I really do like my friends brother a lot and we do have feelings but I'm not ready to get into a relationship so soon after ending one. He's aware and willing to work at my pace.

I'm wondering if I should end things with my friends brother to keep the peace right now. I don't want anyone getting hurt in this.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so awful. Sorry this has been so long. Thanks for reading this

Your ex sounds absolutely awful. Let him after his man tantrum and don’t engage. He’s the one that cheated not you. He didn’t love you etc or he wouldn’t have been on tinder! Tell your ex if he sends any abuse again you will be going straight to the police.

Just take things slow with the new guy, apologise about the ex. Tell him to record any interactions with ex if he can.

Noway live ur life ! if u feel scared harassed or in danger call 999 protect yourself
U deserve happiness he is just a controlling prick

Your ex is trying to control you. Your confidence by this previoyus relationship has been knocked. You owe this man nothing. You can be civil and cordial for your daughters sake but you have to set boundaries with him. He has threaten not to support hus child because you are seeing another person, that is insane and emotionally coercive.

Do you honestly believe he hadn't slept with someone you broke or been on dates. Maybe go and talk to a counselor who can be an independent party and help you go through all your emotions.

Take things slowly with your new partner and remember child arrangements and payments are for the child he has no right to ask you where you are and who you see.

Thank you for the reply. Yes, I've stopped replying to any messages which seems the anger him more.
My friends brother has just blocked him and is not interacting with him at all. I've apologised to him for it all and he just wants to make sure I'm okay. He does seem like a good guy but its still early days and we're going very slow.

You don't control his behaviour so you shouldn't apologise for someone you have no control over. Your ex is doing this to ruin your happiness, confidence and knock your confidence even lower.

I wish you the best of luck and delighted to hear you do not respond to his texts. That shows him you are taking back your power, control and standing up for yourself, which is driving him insane

I have seen men getting involved with women 8 years plus younger than them. A lot of these men have issues that woman nearer their age and with a bit of life experience can spot. I seen men like these love bombing a woman, be keen to move in with her and being happy if she gets pregnant early on. Then when reality sets in with a partner and baby they feel they can get involved with other woman.

You did the right thing in ending things with him. You and your daughter deserve better.
He is unhappy now because your moving on in your life. He can no long control you. Along with this he knows your not getting back with him.
If your ex continues to hassle you I would ring the police about him.

As he is threatening violence, I would contact the police so it’s already on record.

Keep a record of the abusive messages. If he calls anyone then record it on another person’s phone.

Sorry this has happened OP, I hope you’re able to have a great relationship with this new guy, maybe slow things down so you don’t end up in another fast-paced relationship, but know you haven’t done anything wrong x

If you've got proof of any threatening text messages you should report them to the police. You can also report the threatening phonecall he made to the man you're seeing. The police will speak to him. If it continues, then you should apply for a non molestation order, and they will likely offer you one anyway. If he breaks this, there are legal steps you can easily take.

Keep your side of things clean and don't engage in the arguments. Tell him you no longer want him to contact you unless it is about your daughter. If he continues to contact you about the man you're seeing, report him to the police for harassment.

I'd also keep every in person meeting recorded one your phone (most phones come with a pre-installed recording app). Whether you let him know he's being recorded or not is up to you.

There's not a huge amount the police will do, unless he's continually threatening harm and escalating behaviour that puts you in danger. My ex broke into my home while I was asleep and the police said because he didn't actually harm me, threaten me or steal anything, no crime was committed.

It will eventually simmer down, probably when he finds someone else.

Good luck 💐

You have a right to a new boyfriend and even to a new partner. Stop referring to your new man as “my friends brother”. As well be hung for a sheep as a lamb be upfront that you have moved on. And call the police every time your ex grabs your phone or touches you.

He is fuming that he can no longer manipulate you and he can't believe that you have moved on to someone a lot better than him. In his eyes it's fine for him to move on but not you. You were meant to pine for him forever. Ha. He had his chance and blew it. So glad you've been ignoring him, he'll be simmering away now. Let him be. The only contact you need to make with him is regarding your daughter. Nothing else is his business now. Don't divulge to him any other details of your life from now on. Best of luck. Your new partner sounds lovely.