Concerned about lonely DD

[edie67]

I'm really concerned about my 25 year old DD, who frequently complains about loneliness, mostly referencing the fact that she's never dated in any capacity, but also in general.

As a child, she always struggled making friends, but getting older, she's gotten better in this area, making a small group of friends at uni. As a teenager, she's told me that she asked people out, and she got rejected in a fairly mean way, but teenagers can be like that sometimes. As an undergrad, she didn't have any contact with boys, and only occasionally hung out with friends. She frequently expressed sadness at her friends seemingly being able to date easily, but people ignored her. As a postgrad, during covid, she spent most of her time in her room, and expressed frustration at people not really taking to her when lockdown lifted and she could attend social/club events. After graduating, she's been living at home with us whilst she saves up to rent in London. She confided in me that she tried online dating, but could only get matches if she set her age limit very high, as in, older even than me which I'm not so keen on! But as her life currently consists of working from home, cooking dinner and going to the gym, I'm not sure what the other options would be, I suppose. She's often very upset at seeing her friends on social media become young adults and get on with their lives, going out and dating, but also living independently in general. I've told her to be patient whilst she saves, but her worry is that if her life has been a certain way til now, she's not sure it'll change once moving out.

It shouldn't matter, but she's not unattractive. Danced all her life, done bits of modelling here and there in Europe, and is an auditioning actress amongst other things. So I don't think it could be that. She does look very young for her age, and is frequently mistaken for mid-late teens, I wonder sometimes if this has something to do with it. I do think it affects how people treat her.

Should I push for counselling? Try to set her up? Or just leave it a couple of years, to see if things smooth out? It's hard to give advice, as I never had issues in this area when I was her age. It can just be quite upsetting, as she cries frequently about this issue, and I hate to see her unhappy.

It’s a shame online dating isn’t working as that’s an ideal way to meet people if you are a bit shy as you get the chance to chat first and no guessing if people are single!

Odd that she’s not getting any matches except older people. Have you looked at her profile and is everything ‘normal’? Got a wide enough area setting etc?

I think she probably needs to find some friends. Would she try a walking group? Ramblers have loads - mostly a friendly bunch and you could even go together for a first one! Or a netball/sports team. Evening class etc. I get saving for a mortgage but you don’t want to miss out on your 20s entirely.

It's so tough in the World and I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. I know myself I go through from time to time.

Talking to someone can help, reading books on bring assertive and I have found volunteering can be a great way to meet people of all ages. This may help build up her confidence. Maybe you could both attend something together and she could join something else. Do different types as well, helping homeless, children centres, exercise classes with older people, you would be surprised who you meet through others. Even doing a clean up in the area to meet others in the community.

Well done on being a trooper for your daughter and her biggest cheerleader. It's not easy but your doing it!

If it is something she would like to/can do - I would advise her to travel. Alone or with a friend. Often in the UK everyone sticks to their own clicks and friends start to settle down or relocate for work which diminishes social lives. When you travel you are forced out of your comfort zone. Staying in hostels you meet so many new people and friends for life. It's the best thing I did when I was younger. Met dh and tonnes of buddies.

Hmmm seems strange to only get older matches - specially as she sounds attractive with a lot going for her , job wise etc!

would she show you her profile so you can review her pics and blurb? See if she is 'selling herself' well enough. (Sorry hate the 'selling' word but can't think of another way to put it)

confidence can unfortunately be key sometimes.
she's likely going to have to kiss a few frogs so she needs to be prepared for this as she hasn't really dated but there diamonds out there for sure. Just got to dig sometimes.

alternatively she could ask some friends for set ups? Any of their partners friends that might fancy a date?

Maybe a good old fashioned dating agency. I mean why not? You can pay for their services.

Is she confident enough to go to meet ups on the app?

I am not sure what sort of work your daughter does but is there an option to go into an office rather than work from home a couple days a week? Get her out of the house

Unfortunately, no, there's not an office option. She works freelance/remote for various things in London. She does sometimes work at a coffeeshop near us, but it's very quiet there. Re being confident enough to go on dates, that's the issue mainly, I think, is that no one reaches out to arrange one/ask her out on one. I think she has distance thrown out quite wide for online dating, and the only filters are age, but she's had to put it at 40+ to get any messages. Someone suggested getting a friend to critique her account, which I'll definitely suggest (gently) just so she can get feedback from a contemporary! Travel wise, she's done so much travel, and in the past has joined so many clubs, especially at uni. So I'm at a bit of a loss, I was always hoping she'd find her footing over the years.. But maybe these things take time. Thank you so much for all your advice!

A working holiday? I've been watching Brits Down Under and that looks pretty fun and social and life altering.

You mention she goes to the gym...could she join a group fitness class or a running group or something to help her meet other people? She could also strike up conversation with someone when she's at the gym maybe...?