Has anyone rekindled love in their marriage?

[MerryMarigold]

DH and I have been married for 20 years. It's been difficult but we are now at a place where we rub along. There is very little love and affection though. I would say a few years ago I checked out, maybe not fully but I don't feel very much at all. That's when we fought less (I stopped caring). Then during Covid, DH finally accepted counselling which we had online (he didn't want to because it's expensive but he finally saw the need). It was extremely helpful but it took about 6 months for things to begin to be better. When they were DH wanted to stop the counselling and thought we should be able to manage with all our new tools, and being in a better place. 6 months after it stopped we were back to square 1.

Most of the time I just get on with life, but sometimes (today!) it gets me down and I wonder what to do. Has anyone turned things around and what did you do? I feel like we need permanent intervention to help us talk properly and connect at a deep level, but this isn't really feasible.

I empathise. I’m in not too dissimilar a position myself. Have you any children? What seems to cause the friction (if you don’t mind me asking)?

3 teenagers. Friction has changed over the years. Initially it was about keeping the house clean and tidy. I'm a very messy person, he is the nag in the relationship. It didn't go down well with me. I also had some health issues so I didn't work for a long time (also having kids) and now I work part time for minimum wage. Later it was about parenting, especially one of our kids who has some mild SN where I would feel DH was very harsh. DH was brought up in a different culture which caused some culture clash too.

To be fair, he's a lot better now but the distance/ resentment is there. He also has a major snoring problem, and I'm a light sleeper so it wakes me up/ keeps me awake as it's a sound I can't stand (not good with certain noises). I also next door and it wakes me from there! He's refused to even try to get it fixed, although he's finally on a waiting list which will pertinent be at least 2 years and this has been going on/ off for 20 years so there was plenty of time to sort it out (tbh, we could afford private certainly for a consultation - but he is very stingy). So yes, lots of things have brought us here. It's a lot better but the resentment is there on both sides I think.

What's your story?

Hopefully someone here has some good ideas.

My story is not very positive and I don’t want to deter you. I try but I get very little intimacy and I feel like I’m insignificant to DP. Currently looking for a job as I think he might well leave when my youngest is 18. She’s currently 15 and doing GCSEs. Keep trying to rekindle - when we’ve had time away together it’s okay, but that’s not often enough. He had an affair a few years ago - I think it lasted about three or four years. Wouldn’t talk about it, didn’t deny but just clammed up and ignored me for days or weeks. Ignored the kids at the time but generally he’s a good dad. I’m trying to make things right, he’s not very affectionate and I’m getting sick of trying without him reciprocating.

Im hoping someone gives you good tips and I can pinch some! And in the mean time I’m looking for work so I’m not screwed financially if he goes.

Ah the snoring - same here if he’s had a few too many beers. It can be relentless and sometimes I’ve told him to go and sleep downstairs because it’s disrupting mine (though I’m deaf in one ear so that’s a bonus when he’s snoring - I just roll onto my good ear so I can’t it so much).

I understand your frustrations. I hope someone can give some good advice!

That sounds really hard. The finances are scary aren't they. In my current job I get paid less than the requirement for National Insurance and I haven't tried to sort that out. I haven't paid it for years as I was SAHM and we didn't get child benefit. I do currently feel like DH is trying slightly harder than me so that's something. I mean, I think he wants things to be better in theory but then is paralysed by actually doing anything especially if it costs. We went away for our 20th anniversary but only for one night as I can't sleep. I slept in the bath with headphones on!

My twins are 15 too but Y10. My eldest is Y13.

Have you tried silicon ear plugs? They’re a godsend.

Thanks. No I haven't. I have weird, tiny ears though (and no lobe!). I can't wear ear buds, they fall out. And I'm a side sleeper. I will Google them now and see.

I use these - splitting one in half for my two ears as I too have tiny ear canals.

Oh wow, thanks so much. I did some research and was thinking of getting the ones which they mold exactly to your ear but they are 84.00! This is a much better option.

They’re fantastic!