Boyfriend still enmeshed with his ex-wife and her family

[LilyRose88]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 18 months. We are both divorced and each have our own children who are grown up and have left our respective homes. I met him online and was horrified to discover after a few months that I know (and actively dislike) his ex-wife. She is a bit of a Queen Bee who is very attention seeking and dramatic, quite opposite to my temperament. They divorced in 2009 but remain good friends. When she found out that I was seeing him she tried to become friends with me and became quite unpleasant to me when I didn't jump at the chance!

My boyfriend is aware of this but he is a sweet and rather passive man who just wants a quiet life. He told me that his ex-wife irritates him but he puts up with it for the sake of the family. They all spend Christmas together at his house every year and meet up regularly for walks and coffee. I can cope with the Christmas thing and have spent the last couple of Christmases with my youngest daughter and her partner, but am not happy with the other meetings.

In addition he is also still close friends with the rest of his ex's family and talks about them with great admiration. I have met most of them and learned quite a lot about them and I'm afraid I do not like them or their behaviour towards others. We had an argument about it at the weekend as he kept insisting that they were amazing people. I thought that he and I had similar values but it became clear that we differ strongly on what we consider to be acceptable behaviour and what we are prepared to overlook. I am not sure whether there is a future for us, but I do worry that I am being too fussy and should accept that nobody is perfect.

I don’t understand why he is still spending Christmas and other times with his ex and the children now that they are adults. This is something I did when my DC was young, it’s nice for them to see their parents getting on, etc but as adults they are old enough to understand that mum and dad aren’t together and have their own lives. And you’ll never fully feel like his partner while his ex is constantly around. They split up, they can’t expect nothing to change and you can’t be expected to play second fiddle.

In regards to her family, while you’re entitled to your opinion it’s not worth the fall out. These people don’t need to be part of your life. If he insists on talking about them it’s easier to just smile and say “let’s agree to disagree on that one” and move on from
it.
Though it wouldn’t hurt to talk to him about your concerns over him admiring people who have behaved so badly. Explain that you’re a bit surprised given that he seems to have such a good moral compass and just open up a neutral discussion

His open, tolerant, trusting and forgiving nature means he is lovely and sees the good in people. But also means he won’t fall out with this people. So you need to like it or lump it. I ultimately go in how people treat me. His ex wife did at least try and be friends with you. Perhaps the difference is in personality traits and not values. It could be a complementary combination but not sure you can allow him not to be completely on your side. Hard one this

Maybe despite some family members making some decisions at odds with your values, to him they are pleasant company, have been good to him, or have other positive values?

Not everyone is just good/bad.

Someone who has not maintained contact with their children would not be someone I'd want to have an intimate relationship with, but they might be someone I could have a nice chat over lunch with or even admire their work ethic/ dog rehoming/ artistic talent/ some other unrelated trait.

The world isn't just good people and bad people.

@Darhon Thank you I think you have summed up the situation very well. Although I'm not convinced that his ex really wanted to be friends with me, I think it was more her wanting to be involved in my life as well as her ex's. But anyway, that's not a problem as I don't have to spend time with her.

I feel like this isn’t about her being an ex but about him being close to and idolising a bunch of dreadful people. It’s kind of like dating someone who seems great but then you meet his mates who are all massive knobheads and find out that he thinks Andrew Tate has ‘some interesting points’. I’d definitely be reassessing things.

All this: we have different values really means, I think I'm a better person

i dont necessarily agree
part of dating is working this out and the older we get , the clearer we get

i have my own tick list , and yeah i struggle with this issue

but what op says is stuff that would niggle at me too

I feel that if he had said that yes, A and B had treated their ex-wives and children badly but they had other redeeming qualities and he got on well with them, I would accept it. But his reason for liking them was that he thinks they are intelligent. And he excused their behaviour by saying that maybe the ex-wives had poisoned the children against their father, but admitted that he had no evidence of this.

And I struggle with his admiration of C being because they are very rich and own many palatial properties, despite taking advantage of others. If he had acknowledged that their riches came from exploiting others, but explained that they had been very good to him and helped him out through some difficult times, for example, I would have felt differently.

His ex-wife has been quite toxic towards me, but I have blocked her and just make sure that I don't come into contact with her. Again the issue isn't really her behaviour, it's his attitude to it and his enmeshment with her and her family that I am finding difficult. As a previous poster put it, I sometimes feel like the OW.

Ah. Now I see what you mean. Sorry my prior posting was a bit terse.
I'd be worried about how his family normalizes separation/divorce, and the acceptance of splitting up families where there are kids involved. Also the automatic blaming of the ex wives who are no longer 'in the club' His ex wife, I'm not sure. Does she have some of this internalized misogyny too?
If he and his sibs can just leave marriage commitments at the drop of a hat, then he sure as well won't think twice about leaving you too.
Maybe a sweve.

That he still wants to meet his ex for coffee after she has been toxic towards you shows you all you need to know.
Want more for yourself, back yourself and vote with your feet. Find someone who is free to love and will make you a higher priority, he is still too enmeshed .

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have a lot of food for thought. I'm not sure whether my boyfriend and I are right for each other. He's definitely not a bad person, but he is very passive with a fear of confrontation. I think he just goes along with things to keep his ex's family happy.

What did you decide, OP? I'm in a similar situation but waited much longer thinking it would get better with time. It didn't lol They had an enmeshed family dynamic that continued after the divorce. He was very passive, nonconfrontational. She was a narcissist who always had the have the last (and first) word. The "needs" of the kids (and ex) always came first and as time went on, I found it often inappropriate. I hope you found a way to address the enmeshment directly or went your separate ways. I can confirm that you'll always play second fiddle in his world otherwise. Those in this thread who find your partner's relationship with his ex "admirable" have never been in your shoes.

Hi there PlutoFourteen. I did end the relationship as I decided that I didn't like the dynamic. I did get a fair bit of stick from some of the posters on my thread but as you say, its different when you are actually in the situation. I wasn't jealous of the ex at all, I just didn't want her constant presence in my relationship. And I lost respect for him over his lack of concern about the way that some of her family members had behaved.