What do we do? - Any advice welcome

[DazedandConfused50]

Hi All, hoping for some advice and will try to be brief:

1. Married for 28 years
2. Recently moved to our dream house/location, but it is isolated.
3. DH is not happy, has withdrawn from me completely.
4. No OW involved - I know this for sure.
5. DH has just started therapy (should have done it 5 years ago - see 6)
6. 5 years ago we had a similar situation to what I am going to describe below, but we worked through it and got to a new place. Now we are back to the same old place.
7. We love each other and are great friends, but he has said to me that although he loves me, he doesn't think he's in love with me anymore.
8. When it comes to showing me affection, he says he just feels empty and has felt like that for several months.
9. We have had many honest conversations and have flagged the things that we each need to be done to feel like we could move forward together. I have made the effort to meet his needs, he hasn't for me.
10. Now at an impasse, he says he is terrified of making the wrong decision, but doesn't know if he will ever feel like wanting a proper relationship with me again.
11. I have one foot out of the door and have said that I am not prepared to wait around forever.
12. Where do we go from here? 28 years is a lot to throw away & I love him, but unless he makes the effort, I am going to have to walk away.

Has anyone been in a similar position, what would you do? TIA x

I am in a similar situation, though we have t just moved house!

At the moment we have acknowledged that things aren't right and we haven't yet figured out what would need to change to make it work. We are both seeing therapists separately.

What is your living situation? Do you have kids living at home? Could you afford to buy/rent somewhere else for one of you to live?

If you don't have kids at home and you're able to buy/rent somewhere else for one of you to live in, I'd try living apart for a while. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship, just some space to breathe and come down from the "terrified of making the wrong decision" state. Continue to see each other as much or as little as you want to, and review in 6 months?

So sorry to hear you are going through the same, it's horrible.

Kids are both adults and live with their respective partners, so they're not an issue.

Considered the trial separation thing, but financially is not doable; I agree space to breathe could be the answer. But also is it just prolonging the agony? Having been through this 5 years ago ( again at his instigation), I am beginning to feel like even if it was resolved this time, something will happen to kick the whole cycle off again in the future.

He is my best friend and I feel like I am currently living with a housemate, not a life partner. Thought maybe separate bedrooms would help as we cannot afford a separate house situation, but also feel like that would elevate the housemate situation even more......

I'm so confused about what to do.

Your second post adds some more context.

In your situation I would separate. Don't stay together just because you've already invested 28 years. If they were 28 good years and you raised your family together but there's no intimate relationship left, thank each other for the 28 years and go your own ways for the next chapter.

At the moment he is keeping you warm at home (by not being sure whether he wants to leave) and giving himself permission to look elsewhere and see what's out there. Split, get your own places. Move on and you see what else is out there too (not necessarily a person, also just a peaceful clean quiet home, new friends, hobbies ....). If you both decide you've made a mistake then you can always get back together later!

Who instigated the house move, OP? Did it come about because you n both hoped it would make things better?

Also, do you work and could you support yourself if you did split up?

Doesn't sound like your dream house is in your dream location. When you have already had difficulties and have for some reason never socially mixed with each others friends without extra effort- it should come naturally - it's an odd choice to isolate yourself further.
The thing about getting older is that more reflection occurs around past life events. There may not be an OW now, but that doesn't mean there never has been in his life. His words of love, but not in love, are a classic line that is used when someone else is on the mind. A comparison of feeling is made between 2 which draws that conclusion. Have there ever been past suspicions of a too close friend he has had, or even a history of past known infidelity?
If you cannot afford to move presently, for your own sake, aim to sell your home and split the proceeds. Move to where you feel you need to be and consider the location carefully rather than the bricks and mortar. Meanwhile, he needs to work through his thoughts with counselling, and feel the loss of your lack of physical presence.

So he’s told you in a roundabout way that it’s over for him and he’s making no effort. That includes being the “bad guy” actually ending the relationship and he might dress that up as this inertia from not wanting to make the wrong decision but he’s made the decision already but wants you to be the one who does the hard work in ending it. His actions speak volumes. I’m sorry @DazedandConfused50 but I think deep down you know he has checked out. He just doesn’t want to be seen as the one who ended it. He won’t change even after therapy so you need to decide for yourself what you are prepared to do here. Like others have said, you can’t regret the time together but you will do if you get into the habit of constantly feeling resentment towards him.

Cut him loose

@HappyAsASandboy Thank you for your considered advice, I really appreciate it.
@newname642 It was a joint dream, so both of us wanted the house move. I do work, although I took voluntary redundancy just before Christmas so that I could start my own business, which is what I am currently trying to build now. Took the VR with full support of him, he only dropped the bombshell once it had all happened, so had I known sooner how he was feeling, I may not have put myself in such a vulnerable position.
@Opentooffers I don't think I have said anywhere that we don't socialise with each other/each others friends? Please know that at the time of buying the house etc. everything was good between us. The fact we are more isolated in our new location has been a contributing factor to how he is feeling now, I am sure, but this was not forseen at the time.
@Rainbowshine I know, you are right, I am just so furious, because on paper we have everything that we have ever wanted and I cannot understand why this has happened now. It is so sad and I am heartbroken and think I am grieving the future that I know deep down is never going to happen.

Would it be worth having couples therapy?

And also - although I know it's a clichéd question on these threads - is he depressed? What struck me was you saying that he feels 'empty'.

@BIWI I would be open to couples therapy, but I think we are both hesitant as we don't want to keep on going over old ground, IYSWIM? Yes, he has definitely got some level of depression, coupled with a lot of work stress and I know his default pattern is to always look for something else to blame (e.g. me & our relationship), rather than having to look inward. The fact he's now having therapy is massive step forwards for him. But I cannot wait around for him to make his decision. he is fully aware of how I feel and what I need/want, but ultimately the responsibility of if we are going to work out now lies with him. He has a therapy session tonight and has promised to address our situation with his therapist and I am going away for the weekend tomorrow, I hoping these 2 things give him the space and clarity he needs to think things through and arrive at a decision, either way.

Would he be open to seeing the GP then, to deal with the depression?

And I get that you've been round this before, but it sounds like it hasn't been resolved, therefore more/different therapy might help?

This is exactly what my ex did to me. I didn’t fully realise it at the time.
@DazedandConfused50 I understand how you feel. I felt robbed of my dream future, the one that was our joint dream, or so I thought. You eventually have to accept that there’s another future for you, and the one you assumed you’d have with your husband wasn’t going to happen.