Hello,
I married young and have been married for more than half my life, but our marriage is really struggling. I am overweight and have very low self esteem, which means I hold back in being affectionate. We both work and our children also have additional needs, which is absolutely exhausting.
Through out our marriage, there has been some very difficult times. I found out whilst pregnant that my husband had been having an affair, but he was remorseful, I was young and vulnerable and we decided to make a go of it. We both worked hard at rebuilding our marriage and had counselling. Things were good for a long time after that.
However, due to issues that happened in COVID, he had a breakdown and ended up leaving our family for a couple of days. I thought it was over and although he stayed in contact with the children, they were all utterly distraught, it was horrendous and I was very alone because of the restrictions. He returned after a few days having spoken to a professional and realising he was actually acutely depressed. I took him back into the family and the kids were very happy to have their dad back. It was only after this that he told me he had slept with someone else once in the few days he was away. I felt so unbelievably angry that he didn't tell me this before I allowed him home, as though he tricked me and backed me into a corner.
It's been a couple of years since and although I try hard, and we have somewhat got back on track with our marriage, I still feel very hurt and my confidence is at rock bottom. I don't like myself very much and I feel a fool. I know reading this, most of you will think I am one for staying with him (I'm not stupid, I know didn't deserve to be treated like that) but it is a simplistic view and so much easier to take from the outside.
Despite what has happened, my husband is very attentive, caring and a good husband and dad. I do love him, but I don't know how to get over these feelings and move forwards. Is it possible? I do wonder whether if I looked after myself a bit more and was more confident, it would get better. I'm in a situation where financially and logistically, it would be very difficult to separate and I would risk making myself and my children homeless and they would have to leave their schools. The children would be absolutely devastated and I don't think my heart could cope with putting them through that.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this, other than to get my feelings off my chest. My husband knows how I feel, but I still feel lost, confused and sad. Please be gentle with your responses.