Is staying hurting my kids?

[Patchypony]

i have 2 teenage daughters. One had mental health problems, saw CAMHS and is better. The younger currently has mental health problems but won’t engage with therapy so we’re just muddling through at the moment.
My husband does all the food shopping and cooking, books holidays, helps with the laundry, looks after the dogs. Practically he’s fab. And the girls value the routine and stability he provides.
Emotionally he’s a complete f-wit. He shouts at the dogs so they’re terrified of him. He shouts at the girls and I see their faces lose expression and they stop talking. He slags off my family. He won’t go to any family social things or parents evening (unless I drag him!). He NEVER apologises and a few times a year goes into a sulk that will last a few days.
So, how do I know whether I should leave him? What’s worse for the kids? The huge explosion in their life caused by a split? Or the constant appeasement we all practice to stop him from getting angry?
Would appreciate any advice

I think you'll see a huge improvement in your daughters' mental health once they have a home away from their aggressive and scary father. Imagine being terrified at home, it would have a huge impact.
Hope you're ok OP x

OP this sounds so difficult. My heart goes out to you. In my view, "stability" is not provided by someone so emotionally unstable or immature. No amount of grocery shopping or dog walking could make up for that. I agree with the poster above that I suspect your daughters' MH would improve with less anxiety/conflict in the home. Good luck.

I'm an adult, and I'd hate to live with someone who shouted at me and sulked for days at a time. It doesn't sound stable, it sounds unpredictable and stressful.

I think your DCs' mental health would improve massively in a calmer, more relaxed home, even if they have to chip in with grocery shopping and dog walks.

The emotional damage is so much more lasting than the kids eating rubbish food because dad isn't around to cook them dinner or do the shopping. As a pre-teen, my mum and I lived in campsites and hotels for 6 months while waiting to sort out a house when my parents split. It was absolutely fine. I was so relieved to not be tiptoeing around my dad's rages. I felt free and it was an adventure trying to figure out all the living on our own stuff together, thankfully without the emotional baggage of my dad.

Have you talked to him about his behaviour?

Appeasement = walking on eggshells
He's controlling all of you, even with the nice things like cooking.
Leave.
Your kids will thank you.
We had one in our house like that. But without the helpfulness.
So much happier without He Who Must Be Put First

My DSis and I both had MH issues in our early teens. Severe issues that involved the community MH team to visit us every few days at home.

Why? Because of our 'DF'.

I remember a childhood full of drama and when DM said they were getting divorced, I was so, so happy. I envisaged a normal, calm life. I also remember, aged 14, DM and DF taking me and DSis out for a meal and telling us they were 'working it out' and were going to stay married. I sobbed and sobbed, as did my DSis, in that restaurant. We were heartbroken.

When my marriage went south when my DC were young, I issued the divorce papers straight away. There was no way on earth that I'd put my DC through what I had been through.

Please, OP, think of your DC here, not yourself. Don't put them through a life long damaging situation by staying married. I'm 52 now, had years of therapy, am still fucked up yet my DPs are still together.

The longer this situation goes on, the more your daughters are learning that the way to deal with an emotionally violent man is to tiptoe around him. Show them differently. Teach them that the thing to do with a man like this is to leave - they and you, deserve so much better than a life lived in fear.

Yes, staying is hurting your kids and hurting you. This is domestic terrorism and is so incredibly stressful and damaging. You all deserve more. You all deserve peace away from this abuse - and abuse it is. Just because someone doesn't hit you doesn't mean that the situation isn't highly abusive. He knows what he's doing and you know what.....he enjoys it. He enjoys the control. Your kids will go in to similar relationships because they will think that it's normal and now you need to step up, get their backs and show them that you can/will prioritise their health, safety and wellbeing.

Please contact your local women's aid and start making plans to move or get him out. He doesn't really love any of you - someone who does would never treat you or your kids this way. He can't/won't change but you can change the future for your kids.
So, save your kids and yourself and build a better future - there are NO excuses for his behaviour.

Yes @Patchypony staying is hurting your kids.

I was married to a man like your ex and ended the marriage in November 2022 when my kids were 8 and 4.5.

Both are traumatised by the behaviour they experienced, both in therapy, can’t talk about the behaviour they experienced/witnessed from exH without severe anxiety. Oldest very guarded, hates going to exH’s EOW. Youngest terrified of conflict, comfort eating, crawls under tables/chairs if there are even slightly raised voices. Now I am out of the situation (with ex H) I also feel sick/panicky when I overhear raised voices - even if it is an argument on TV. We all have PTSD.

Our house now is calm and peaceful. No amount of grocery shopping is worth living with a bully.

Thank you all for replies. I’m going to reach out to some friends and ring a helpline.
Can’t keep doing the same things and expect a different outcome…

Tbh I’m scared to.
Sounds silly when I say that. He doesn’t shout at me, never has. Never puts me down.
but then maybe I know how to behave so he’s not triggered.
I have in the past asked him to go to counselling with me. He just said no and put it down to me being hormonal.
As you can tell, I’m not very assertive 😬

'Hormonal'.

FFS.

Anyone want to hazard a guess at which hormone is overwhelmingly responsible for aggression, emotional outbursts and irrational behaviour?

(I'll give you a clue: it's the one that men have in abundance, and women only at low levels.)

Stay strong, OP. Talk to your friends. If they're good friends, they'll likely already suspect what's going on and will be very glad that you're starting to speak up.

You can do the laundry and cooking and shopping. But you can't make him behave better. So it seems to me that splitting up means your DC will potentially have both.

"He shouts at the dogs so they’re terrified of him".

The way a person treats animals generally says everything you need to know about them.

I think that’s my biggest warning signal.
They’re animals and can literally do nothing wrong. If they’re in the wrong place, train them to sit out of the way. I do and never have to raise my voice.

I grew up in a household that was emotionally abusive, when we came home from school if it was a 'bad day' my mum would say, shhh, your dad's in a mood and it honestly affected me for the rest of my life, I learnt not to make a fuss, always be good, never complain, accept abuse in whatever form it took. You need to take your kids away from this emotional time bomb and teach them it's not normal and take the dogs with you, my dad would kick our dog out of the way if he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I taught my girls the complete opposite to how I was brought up and all 3 are emotionally mature living wonderful lives, leave before it's too late. After my sister and I left home he notched up he became physically abusive, that was enough for her, she left him when she was 81!

You will probably find that a lot of your children's problems are miraculously better if they spent lest time around their father.

It's no accident that both your girls have MH issues. Leave for their sakes, clearly his behaviour has affected them.

How is it "stable" walking on eggshells around someone.

FGS they introduced no fault divorces for a reason.

Completely true! Walking on egg shells is not healthy for anyone