Recovering from psychological abuse

[Pegs11]

Hi folks. I was in a nine-year relationship with a man who tormented me psychologically. I understand now that it was narcissistic abuse. It broke me down… death by a thousand cuts, as they say. It’s hard to describe, but perhaps people who have been in a similar situation might be able to relate… the abuse messed with my brain to the point that I felt like I’d been ‘scattered’, like I was glitching all the time. I couldn’t think straight and I felt disconnected, like someone had pulled half my wiring out.

I’m much happier and calmer and generally more “together” now that I’m out of it. I’m rebuilding my life and rediscovering the world that had pretty much stopped existing for me. By giving myself little challenges, I’m gaining my social confidence back. I’m meeting new people, making new friends. People seem to like me! I’m finding joy in small things again. Realising my potential. It’s incredible. I still have plenty of bad days, but even the bad days are easier to manage now that I’m back in the driving seat (even if I do only have one wheel on the road, most of the time!).

But I’m wondering how the hell I’m ever going to be able to have another relationship. The idea of being emotionally and/or sexually intimate with someone terrifies me. I get offers… but they just trigger me. My brain starts glitching again. I can’t deal with it, I get really overwhelmed. I basically seem to have a complete and utter aversion to the idea of letting someone into my life and/or my bed. I feel really vulnerable.

I do have romantic feelings - I secretly have the hots for someone I met recently, I fantasise about them… I enjoy these fantasies, they are exciting, and this person is very intriguing to me… but I am finding myself only wanting the fantasy, I don’t want to make it a reality. That would be scary, and a turn-off.

I am having therapy, but it would be good to hear from people who have been in a similar situation and to learn how they navigated things. (Tips and words of hope and encouragement would be very much appreciated.) Thank you.

If you search for Dr Ramani on YouTube you’ll find a lot of great advice on healing after these relationships.

How recently did you leave?

It takes a long time to heal from psychological abuse. It may simply be too soon to be exploring new romantic relationships. It seems like you're doing everything right, focusing on yourself, having therapy, etc. Beyond that it just takes time.

Have you done the freedom programme?

Time and doing the emotional work.

The effect of the gaslight is so utterly devastating. Think of it like recovering from a catastrophic physical injury because it is a catastrophic psychological and emotional injury. You heal in positive relationships with friends, family and after time with others.

I basically seem to have a complete and utter aversion to the idea of letting someone into my life and/or my bed. I feel really vulnerable

Then you're not ready. And that's fine. Respect your need for time to recover.

Imagine you drank too much alcohol, woke up with a banging head, then someone offered you a champagne breakfast. It wouldn't matter how amazing the breakfast was, would it? It'd turn your stomach to think of drinking alcohol. You wouldn't feel like being social, or eating much (probably)

You're just recovering. It's ok.

How long's it been since you left?

After I left, I didn't even trust my closest friends. This sort of abuse gets right into your middle bits. It gets better.

Thanks all. I initially left 18 months ago, then went back after he showed signs of getting his act together. Things were much better, but then little red flags started popping up, and I started to feel increasingly nervous. Eventually I realised I was never going to be able to relax with him. Left for good mid-December. It’s all sinking in now, what I went through. It’s a bit much. Some of the things that happened were just crazy. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get my head around it all and integrate it.

@yellowsmileyface I haven’t tried the freedom programme, I’ll check it out 😊

@HairyFeline I have come across some of her videos, she’s very insightful. I didn’t even know what narcissism was until I left my partner and went looking for answers. I’m not sure if my partner had full-blown NPD but there was definitely a lot of narcissistic behaviour - gaslighting, blame-shifting, double standards, arrogance, lack of empathy, playing the victim, and general controlling behaviour… he was very interested in cults, and how cult leaders control people.

December is very recent. It's far too soon to be thinking about future relationships.

When we're in an abusive relationship, we go into survivor mode which numbs us to the intensity of the abuse. Whilst we're aware that things aren't right, we don't really process the enormity of how wrong things were until we've left. You're currently still going through the phase of realising just how bad things were, which is a lot to take. It can feel incredibly overwhelming. I promise you though that it does get better, and eventually you'll feel much lighter.

Try to go easy on yourself, and don't try to rush to feel healed and ready to date again.

@yellowsmileyface thank you. I know it’s too soon to be getting into another relationship... I guess I just can’t imagine ever being comfortable in one again. And then I think about what it would be like to be alone forever, and that makes me feel sad.

(My ex, by the way, was posting photos on social media of him and a new girl, two weeks after we split up 🫤 Good luck to her.)

I was definitely in denial about the abuse, despite knowing deep down that things were very wrong… but ignoring my gut for so long made me feel really off-kilter, almost like being constantly seasick.

I got really physically ill too, during the course of our relationship, which I think was largely stress related.

One thing that makes me feel really, deeply sad is that a year or so before I met him, I had cancer, it was really serious and it was a hell of a battle to get through. What I really needed after all that was someone who treated me with love, kindness and tenderness, so I could heal emotionally as well as physically from the trauma of the cancer. But instead I was relentlessly tormented, my emotional state got even worse, and the stress was really hard on my immune system, which was already compromised from the cancer treatment. I’m trying to focus on healing that side of things now, but it’s a struggle to get on top of the chronic fatigue and the anxiety.

But, I’m rebuilding, slowly, and the pieces of me that had been scattered everywhere are starting to come back together to form “me” again. I actually feel quite cheerful and positive a lot of the time. I’m keeping a daily journal of “what went well for me today” and that is helpful.

I'm very sorry to hear about your battle with cancer. It speaks volumes about your strength and character, to have gone through two very traumatic things side by side and to come out the other side, with a positive and resilient attitude.

I'm not at all surprised to hear your ex has someone new already. Men like that are entirely incapable of being single. Indeed I feel sorry for her.

I understand currently it feels impossible that you'd ever feel ready to date again, but the trauma is still very fresh, and a lot can change in a year or so. Just keep focusing on yourself, and you'll know when you're ready to meet someone again.

@yellowsmileyface Thank you. I do have a habit of trying to run before I can walk… I think it’s enough for now that I’m making new friends and trying out new activities/hobbies. I’m connecting with my family more too, which is lovely.

Enjoy getting to know yourself for a while . Relationships are hard and you need space to find the things you love not what someone tells you to like x x

18 months is still very recent. If you had this for years you aren't going to be ok in a moment.

Think of it like this - if you overeat every day for 20 years and got really obese, you wouldn't expect to be fighting fit to run a marathon in 12 months. It would take a long time to repair and strengthen yourself physically.

The worst thing you could do is run into a new relationsihp. If I were you, I'd mentally decide no relationships for 12 months. It will take the pressure off you and focus on yourself.

Thanks to all who have replied, I appreciate it.

@comeagainx yeah, I think I’m starting to think along these lines. It will be better for my well-being if I just focus on getting back to being me.

If I remove the pressure of dating from the equation, I do feel better/less overwhelmed.