Let mother help?

[WatermelonLou]

I'm a SAHP (not through choice but circs). Have 3 kids and most recently a baby. The father and I on decent terms now but awful beforehand. We are not compatible and recognise we aren't good together. Totally committed to our child, and he's also around for my other kids if need be. My mother despises him. Wishes I would stop being accommodating to him and being so embedded in a co-parent relationship. She is very vocal about her feeling in him even when children are around. It's like she can't regulate her emotions, she's too upset and would like to properly have her say but I try minimise this for sake of all the children and keeping momentum. However as I'm a SAHM on my own now she is aware we don't stay in the best area and in social housing. She's offered to buy a house and is rent from her until I can mortgage house myself when go back to work.

This offer is conditional in that absent parent does not gain access when collecting/dropping off son. No time to be spent etc. he'll have to make room at his own place. He's recently acquired a place.

If I don't do this we all live in an area with high deprivation until I can maybe secure in mortgage? If I do opt for it, it'll cause upset for co parenting relationship and also my siblings. I have a sister and brother who have families and partners of their own, and set up in own houses.

Is it worth it?

Why will it upset your siblings?

Just agree and then don't tell her he has a key!

It'll upset my siblings because she hasn't done for them what she could do for me,,?? Nd yeah, not telling her would be great. She'd sell the thing from under me if she knew he was in the house..

I’d go for it, because although she’s wrong vocalising it in front of the kids is wrong, ultimately it’s the right thing to do to keep some distance from this guy and not let him into your house etc. You have to consider if you want her to have the control in that way or not. It will be better for your kids to live in a better area

Will the house be in your name or will you just be paying off the mortgage for her? If she can sell the house from under you then it doesn’t sound terribly secure. Also, she comes across as rather controlling.

Having said that, you owe it to your other 3 children to improve their quality of life - having your ex being so embedded in their lives will also make it harder for them to adjust if/when you have a new partner. Your mum is right, he really shouldn’t be spending time at your place. You say you’re on decent terms now but the reality is that your other 3 kids would have experienced what it was like when things were awful between you. It would be different if you only had the one child to consider. This is regardless of your mum’s offer.

If your siblings are going to be upset over this, I don’t think the relationship with them is worth preserving. So personally that wouldn’t factor into my decision-making process.

Ultimately, I think the question is whether the house would become yours once you take on the mortgage. Otherwise you would be better off saving to buy your own place.

I wouldn't tbh. Social housing is at least secure - renting from a parent who tries to control what you do, isn't!
I think some parents who own houses and rent to their children, tend to think of the houses as theirs and not their children's homes. So want a key and too much of a say in what goes on in that house. It's not the same relationship as normal landlord and tenant.

It's possible with social housing you sometimes do house swaps, to other areas. So maybe look into that first. Plus rent is controlled and not likely to go up because of mortgage rate changes.

If you went with your mums idea, I think you'd have your he very clear about ground rules first and see if both still want to go ahead.

She'd be offering me the house to mortgage when I'm working, and give it to me at the price she would buy it for just now.. hope that makes sense.

Yeah the father of my kid and I need some distance. Naturally I think it will happen. He was rotten during the pregnancy but seems to be a very hands on committed parent. I'm okay with that as long as he continues this for his child.

Mother can be controlling but this gesture is coming from a place of trying to help us all out the situation we're in.

Tried to swap but other availability's aren't great.

I guess she might be worried that your ex, having been awful to you, might worm his way back in and end up living in the house. I can see why she wants clear rules to guard against that.
If you were both clear about the tiles and she isn't generally controlling or the type to let herself in and start behaving as if it's her house, then it might work. If you are okay about the 'no ex in the house' rule.

I suppose the bit that gives me pause is you saying g she'd sell the house out from under you if you key him back in. Only you know her and can say for sure whether she'd hold the house over you at all and whether it really would be secure housing.