Periods, and exDH

[B1rd]

I'm divorced but have a 13 year old who stays at her Dads almost 50% of the week. He never buys deodorant and tampons etc.
Do other Mums find they have to buy for their daughters, for their exH's house?
I dont have a problem with buying extra of either and do. She takes when she needs.

I'm in a similar position and buy my Dd deodorant etc for her dads (she's not started her period yet).

Her dad pays the minimum child maintenance and gets a reduction based on her staying 2 nights per week. I pointed out the deduction was applied as he was expected to provide everything she needed when she was in his care.

Tbh it's her dad's attitude that annoys me but I still buy my daughter what she needs for his house because 1) I don't want her going without because he's not bothering. I could push the point but ultimately it's my Dd that would miss out on having essentials; and 2) Im fortunate enough that I can afford to without it having too much impact.

If it doesn't have too much impact financially I'd just do it so your Dd has what she needs despite her dad not bothering. If it's having a financial impact on you I'd be stronger with him and his need to provide.

Thanks for your advice. I have a good relationship with my ex. He thinks the world of our treasure. But sometimes, I wonder. He just doesn't have any idea of her needs.

Does she ask him to get her these things and he refuses or is he just ignorant to her feminine hygiene needs? I expect some (most?) teenage girls would curl up and die at the thought of getting their dad to buy them tampons etc.

I am guessing - she has never asked him. And he is clueless and doesn’t think about it.

If you actually have a good relationship with him - you can easily just tell him DD is shy to ask, but here is the list of hygiene products she needs to be at your house…

In our case - ExH gets some (mostly basic) toiletries for the kids. Originally he used to tell them to bring them from my place. They said it didn’t make sense.
So he does get some things. But refuses if one of my DDs wants her special cream this, or cleanser that.
It’s OK - i don’t want her to be in the middle.
So - i get the special bits that she wants.

She never asks him for fear of embarrassment.. I buy them probably because Im a woman.
I got a text message about deodorant and he bought her 2 types.
He idolises her, but it just seems has no idea about women stuff.
Maybe she does curl up and die at the thought of asking her Dad. Maybe, I just need to have a conversation with thim.

I don’t think it’s unusual that he probably doesn’t think to ask her and she doesn’t want to ask him. It’s a shame, but it’s very normal even in families that all live together.

If you ask and he refuses that’s unreasonable, but I think you need to ask him outright and then she needs a system to tell him that she’s comfortable with. Could she text him a list or add it to an online shop or something?

My dd is quiet as a mouse, but for some reason she's not shy about discussing periods or what she needs. I usually tell her when I'm going shopping and ask her if she needs anything (otherwise, she'll only remember to tell me when she's almost out). That works for us, but might not for your dd if she's not comfortable discussing it with him. Maybe you could ask him to up her pocket money so she can buy sanitary stuff herself? Or you just give her an extra fiver a week, which should be more than enough to cover the essentials.

I buy enough so that she doesn't need to ask her dad.

If she does, then great, but if not then I'm more than happy to provide.

Why wouldn't you?!

I always buy extra. I've never had an issue with buying more. They are always ready to take, and she does. I was just asking if this was the usual thing for girls in divorced couples.
But thanks for your feedback.
Slightly disappointing from the responses, that the exes dont think about this for their girls.

I would talk to him and if he is reasonable text him a list of products you suggest he keeps in stock in his bathroom.

Tell him his daughter is in puberty and he needs a cupboard stocked with liners, regular pads, overnight pads and tampons. He needs to check this periodically and refill it. If he can establish enough of a good relationship with his daughter to ask what she needs and her to tell him when more is needed that would be perfect but if he can’t he still needs to provide it and monitor it. Don’t let him be useless!

I don’t know if my ex would have thought of this, as I raised it with him before it became an issue. As he doesn’t have sisters, and is useless at ‘female’ things, I basically gave him a PowerPoint presentation on periods and what girls experience, along with a kit with what she’d need, and instructions to keep it topped up once she actually reaches that stage (she hasn’t started her periods yet, but based on the rest of the women on both sides of her family, it’ll be very soon). He was very receptive, asked pertinent questions, and was completely unphased, which was nice. He didn’t offer to pay me back for any of the things I got for her kit, but has said that once I give him the heads up, he’ll just buy whatever I tell him to, in the quantities I suggest, and leave them in a bag on her door. (She is so embarrassed these days about any mention of periods etc that I thinking leaving stuff out in the bathroom won’t go down well, and he has no cupboard to put things in to be discreet)

Yes I bought everything period related for my daughter. My ex also claimed to idolise my daughter, but couldn't be bothered to learn how to meet her basic needs by providing sanitary products. Reason 25 for divorce, he is devastatingly stupid.

And tell him exactly what brands and specs she uses too so that your DD gets what she needs and your DH doesn't just grab the first thing off the shelf. Quantities would be useful too.

When my daughter started her periods (only recently at the same age as yours) I sent ex a message with a photo of the products she was using and told him she’d started and can be please make sure that this product was always available in her bathroom. Perhaps he doesn’t realise she’s started her periods yet if he’s not been told?

ExH asked me to sort out things like bras and period products for DD as he didn’t have a clue. I bought Modibodi underwear for DD and we split the cost. I gave him instructions on how to wash them. Worth considering this option rather than disposable products. If your exH is really useless, you could teach your DD what settings to use for the washing machine since she’s old enough.

A message with photos of the usual brands/products should do it, along with wording like:

"DD mentioned that you don't have any sanitary products for her at your house; these are the types she uses, make sure you keep a stock pile in the bathroom and let her know where the extras will be, I'm sure you don't want her to feel embarrassed at having to ask you to buy these."

Any decent father (would have already thought of this 🙄) would do this.

Just another example of the female tax we're just expected to pay.

I'd have a conversation with him about it, let him know what brands, type she uses etc and a rough frequency of when to buy them.

My DD has just turned 16 and up until a couple of months ago would not talk to me about that stuff. She'd happily tell me she's got period pain etc (well, obviously she's not happy she's got period pain but you know what I mean). However for some reason she wouldn't tell me she's run out of sanitary pads, tampons etc. I'll say I'm heading to Tesco's, does she need anything, and the answer would be "No", and then DP would have to pop out the next day because DD had run out.

Obviously I know by now what I need to pick up, and DP lets me know if there's been a change of preference, but when DD first went through puberty I wouldn't have had a clue really. (In fact I didn't, DP was away for a fortnight and I had to ask Mumsnet for advice, think it was my first thread!)

Dd had to take stuff from home. Ex probably would have bought if asked but she only went EOW and was a bit embarrassed to ask for specific brands etc

My dp goes shopping with his dd and buys all the stuff she needs, or gives her cash to buy it herself. Before she started her period, he asked me what he needed to keep in his cupboard for when she started, so he had everything ready from day 1.

Tell him he needs to supply hygiene items at his house.

Tell him exactly what tampons she and deodorant she uses and tell him to leave them in the bathroom for her.

Tell him to check when these items are low and simply replace them as and when

Ask your daughter if she’s comfortable with you having the conversation, then email text him with a picture of exactly the type of pads/tampons she prefers + the name of the product and tell him it would be helpful for him to keep a stock in his bathroom or her room so that she’s never caught short. Eg. Tampex regular (yellow box) + photo and always nights + regular no wings.
In the age of amazon and food shop deliveries he doesn’t even need to go through the awkwardness of looking for the right thing in the supermarket.

Give him a vague idea of how many packets she’s likely to need per month so he knows how often to check the supply. Eg as she’s at yours half the week she’s likely to need about 1 box of tampex 1 box of night pads and 2 packets of day pads every 2 months (or whatever would be broadly accurate for your daughter).

Once the system is established it’ll be much easier for your daughter to ask him to replenish or write ´night pads’ or ´tampons’ on the shopping list on his fridge or whatever.

We've noticed my daughter smuggles deodorant and sanitary products from our house. I'm not really sure why as I'm sure her dad would and has bought her stuff. I just figure it's not that much money and we're in a fortune position. If she needs it I'd rather her not go without