MIL from hell and whether to make a 'break' permanent

[artimesiasfootsteps]

Reading another posters issue with their mil and moving abroad, really triggered me and the stressful 10 years I've had with my own mil/pil.

I was offered a very well paid and prestigious job back in my antipodean home country. Mil told my partner it would kill his granny with shock if we moved and we should wait until she died. She went on and on to him, sulked and stropped until he convinced me to stay because he felt so terrible it (our moving) could kill his granny. His granny (who I love) thankfully is still going strong in her mid 90's 5 years later.

That job I turned down, was an extremely sought after roll that very rarely comes up, a once in a lifetime position for academics in my field. Instead we stayed in the UK, shelled out the best part of 15k on ivf that would have been free under my work benefits, had a serious pregnancy injury that was caused by the delays in the NHS, which wouldn't have happened under the excellent health care in my home country. So instead I now have a disability that greatly effects my everyday life, we rent because our jobs here don't pay enough to save much and what we did save we spent on IVF.

As the years went by it turned out mil used "it will kill your granny" every time she wanted to get her way, wanting to spend a Christmas in our own house etc etc. His granny actually asked us recently why don't we live in my home country because we'd be better off, not realising she was used as manipulation tactic by my mil for us to stay. (I didn't tell her of course she would have been extremely upset).

We had a big blow up Christmas Eve because she threw another strop to get her own way and that was the nail in the coffin for me and DP as it ruined our Christmas. We said we want some space and haven't spoken to them in a month.

My DP went and had a big talk with them, detailing some of the very nasty stuff she/they have said/done over the years, the overbearing and bullying behaviour which made my first year as a mother extremely stressful. She tried to deny some of the spiteful things she said (like a nasty comment about my disability and my appearance caused by my pregnancy injury) but some of these comments she didn't realise my dp had overheard so she was caught out in her lies.

She hasn't apologised, nor my Fil or Bil who enables her behaviour and get involved in her strops and manipulative behaviour.

The month break my dp asked for has been bliss but it is coming up to the end of this requested break soon. They haven't apologised for their behaviour and dp and I can see them thinking they can just swan in again and continue where they left off.

I'd like to be no contact with them and I don't want them round my child (have form for some terrible parenting and behaviour with my dp and are racist etc). However if my partner wants us as a family to continue a relationship them, how can I move past this. Do we set boundaries like they have to apologise and perhaps only see them in neutral venues, ie not either of our homes?

I'm totally stuck...and yes I've read 'toxic inlaws'. I'm much better now as is my partner at holding boundaries, but need help with this particular situation.

Also please note I'm dyslexic, I don't want to drip feed but if you want more info please ask.

Ok so I'm gonna be tough but - yes, staying with someone who tolerates toxic inlaws is not the best choice, but was your perogative. But now, having a child under these circumstances ...you've got to act in the way to best protect your child.

And no, that doesn't mean setting boundaries for your inlaws. Or even perhaps, for your partner really...because he's already shown he will ignore your boundaries in order to please his parents.

Set boundaries for YOU. You don't like his family? Don't see them anymore. Don't allow them in your home. And certainly never let your kid be around them. Especially in private.

Your hubby can continue to see them if he wishes but it's time for you to make choices that protect your child. And that means they are never around abusers.

As for the ivf...I have limited sympathy. It's an exploitative industry that no one should support imo. And birth, is always dangerous business. Women would do best to avoid both, should they wish to stay safe. Even with free medical care, there are no guarantees in life.

Certainly don't have more kids in this relationship. Your partner is not emotionally healthy. He had not broken free of his codpendency with an abusive mother yet.

If you were childfree, you could just leave. But as is, doing so may mean you cannot prevent his family accessing the child. So that's something you need to consider.

But boundaries are not for other people. They are for yourself and how you let yourself be treated.

You’re literally on mumsnet telling someone that child free is better? Go back to Reddit please.

I'm not saying child free is better. Im saying if you date someone who will potentially allow harmful elements around a child THEN childfree is better.

Stay no contact. And seriously tell Granny that the reason you turned down a fantastic job was because you were told she would not cope and it would kill her. Don’t protect your MIL, be open and honest it’s not your secret to hide. And you can keep seeing granny when you come back from abroad and not the MIL. Can you apply for jobs abroad/home again?

As for the ivf...I have limited sympathy. It's an exploitative industry that no one should support imo. And birth, is always dangerous business. Women would do best to avoid both, should they wish to stay safe. Even with free medical care, there are no guarantees in life.

Women should do their best to avoid both? That’s nothing to do with their situation. That’s you saying IVF and birth are dangerous and women should avoid…..

Yes that was me replying to op mentiong having fo pay for ivf and her birth injuries. These things are expensive and often dangerous. But they are so for all women. It's always, always a risk.

Do I think everyone should skip kids? No. But you have to be aware it's always a risk. And if you also have inlaw drama, definately.