Emotional affair /

[akire19]

Here is my story and you are the first people I’m sharing it with. In 2016 I found a message where my husband was arranging a day out with a female ex colleague. Basically a day trip to the city . I was working away and was home for our friends wedding it was a wtf moment . Thr date as I called it was cancelled and he was bolloxed by me and was under no illusion that I was furious . He never mentioned this person tbh in the past and I didn’t know who she was . I found they were still in contact in 2021 a fb message . I was furious we had lived overseas since 2017 and had just returned into a covid lock down he slept downstairs on the couch for 2 weeks . Again another message came in in 2022 fairly benign something about their shared medical condition we had just bought a holiday home and we’re heading down to renovate it
Roll on 2024 and all of the above has just hit me am I a bloody fool did I displace everything as it was too painful to deal with . Tbh I now want to separate as this has all come over me like an avalanche. I feel like a bloody doormat I haven’t cried I’m too angry. I told him out straight I’m pissed and he is a sneaky deceitful shit . So what prompted all of this a text came in a couple of weeks ago in passing I said ah who’s texting and he blew up started saying I don’t trust him over one mistake 8 years ago . I sat back and though no not one mistake in total 3 and here I am here I am . Before you ask no I didn’t read their messages I don’t want to . How is he very apologetic and nervous how am I I am raging and that’s why I need your help guidance and advise

My dh had an emotional affair and it broke me. He was honest and told me when it started, why it started and how they met. He offered me his phone and I read the majority of the messages until it became too painful. I then contacted her and got her side of the story. She was very apologetic which I didn’t care to hear.
He blocked her and removed all of his social media. We went to counselling, he slept in another room. He told our close friends what he had done as they all kept asking what was wrong. He told his parents how he messed up. He begged for forgiveness and as the years went on it became easier to forgive.

I was broken, it destroyed all my confidence. Friends told me to walk away. I was younger with no children so could easily start life anew but when it’s your real world situation then it’s not as easy to just walk away and end the marriage. I hated him but I hated myself more for being a doormat.
We hit lockdown and it was actually the best thing to happen to us. We spent all day everyday together and managed to reconnect as friends again. At the end of lockdown the woman found a way to contact him. He instantly showed me the message, he was upfront and honest. I contacted her again and we never heard anything more.

He knew he messed up, he knew what he did was wrong and he never repeated it. A lot of trust was gone and I would question everytime he received a message. He would always tell me who it was until our therapist told him to stop. She said I needed to learn to trust him and if I couldn’t then I needed to end it. I couldn’t carry on questioning as he would soon get angry and feel resentment.

I feel like you buried your feelings at the time out of being afraid of losing him but now you’re stronger in yourself you are questioning it.
If you want to carry on with your relationship then I’d suggest counselling, speak to someone about how you’re feeling and how this has impacted you. I was so angry for such a long time but I was hiding behind the anger. Being angry was easier than getting upset and feeling hurt and betrayed.
If you want to leave then try a separation and see how it works for you and if you actually feel more calm when you’re not with him.

sorry for my very long winded reply but I guess only you can decide if you can forgive and move on but I’d definitely be questioning why the contact has continued in some way over the years. Surely he would have panicked the first time and not wanted to have repeated the mistake.

Thank you for your very honest reply and Yeap your right deep down I was afraid of the loss of the marriage and for sure displaced my hurt . Now I am looking at it but am annoyed at myself tbh annoyed .. but I will work through it and make a decision on what I want to do .

I'm a bit unsure why this has blown up so much tbh. You found out he was meeting a woman in the city? You didn't like that which is perfectly understandable. But when did a few messages become an emotional affair?
What was in them that was too painful to continue reading? What was he confiding to her that broke your trust? There are such big parts of your post missing and its hard to see your reasoning with what you've written.

I’m confused too as you say it’s 3 mistakes. Do you mean that he seems to have feelings for her and that to you is an emotional affair?

Could it be that you are reading too much into it?

Yes maybe I’m mistaking the meaning of an emotional affair and have labelled
my thread wrong I will edit it
and actually my issue is that my husband knowing how much he upset me when he arranged the date continued to be in contact with the woman. I suppose that’s it in a nutshell that’s why I’m raging …. I took a slow burn on this and put it aside and now it’s come up maybe you are right and I’m looking into and making it more than it is but at this moment it doesn’t feel like that

In 2016 you went away at a wedding and you found out your DH was going to meet up with an ex colleague in the city - during the daytime?

You lived overseas from 2017 to 2021.
When he came home in 2021, he received a text message from the colleague.
In 2022 he received another message regarding an illness they both had.

You realised they were in touch with each other by text message on/off throughout the years.

Quite honestly if my DH was 'furious' that I spoke to an ex colleague, I would feel he was very very controlling.

There is obviously more to this and you are jealous that they are in touch? Were they in a relationship before? Did you read something inappropriate in the messages? Were you always a jealous person? Is your marriage generally a happy one?

I think you're making a bit of a mountain out of...something that was once upon a time, arguably, a small to medium sized hill.

If I was your husband I'd be hurt that you keep bringing this up. I agree with pp that said it comes accross as controlling.

If you can't let it go, that's fine. But you've no right to berate him just because this woman messaged him a friendly message once or twice since. Let alone, once in a blue moon.

If you want to end it fine. But it's you that's being unreasonable to hold this over his head years afterwords. It's predominantly a YOU issue.

Now that doesn't necessarily mean he's mr perfect. Perhaps he is disrespectful in other ways and this feels like the straw that broke the camels back for example.

Or perhaps you've just realised you don't love him anymore and are looking to blame him for that because you feel guilty about wanting to end it.

What I'm trying to work out is if the issue is that his relationship with this woman is non-platonic, or if they are just friends but you don't like it and won't allow it.

If it's the former, then you are right to be upset. But if it's the latter, you really need to sort out your jealousy and insecurity because you have no right to control his friendships.

Is it that you don’t trust him? He turned it back on you. Maybe your gut feeling was there was more going on. If he was honest about his colleagues and spoke to you about her it wouldn’t have been an issue would it. Maybe there are more issues in your marriage than just this. Perhaps couples counselling if it’s come to a head?