Friend is overbearing

[SpaceRaiders]

I’m introverted and very independent. My social circle is mostly independent types with pretty busy lives. It’s an unspoken understanding that we have other things happening, sometimes all
we can manage is a quick coffee and a dog walk when working from home. It’s normal to go weeks sometimes even months without seeing each other. That’s kind of how life is for most people isn’t it?!

So anyways I met this new friend through school and whilst I was happy enough to get to know her she’s not my type of person. Various things have come to a head recently which really demonstrated that we’re not on the same page. She’s incredibly insecure/clingy and i‘m not sure how to let her know that a friendship between us just isn’t sustainable. She doesn’t have any boundaries and seems to feel comfortable trampling over mine. I just feel completely overwhelmed with her constant demands on my time and the repeated attempts at inviting herself over to my house. It just feels very off and inauthentic tbh. Any tips on how to gently ease her off without hurting her feelings?

Just be dull & less available. Never apologise, never explain.

a few decent boundarIes:

thanks but no.
recommend counselling when she starts to offload - I can’t help you with that

Become unavailable, she'll soon get fed up and find someone new.

I was just about to comment on this thread and noticed it's a few months old. I am not sure how she tramples on your boundaries without examples but if it's demands on your time just saying no or you're not free may help and she'll realise you're not available or don't answer messages as frequently.

Did things get better?

I am just as you describe OP.
Just let it drift. I’ve been there and it’s the only way.

I know this thread is months old I’m not on here often. In all honesty, it was the most baffling experience I have ever had.

So I spoke to her gently, told her that I was struggling to keep up, I had a lot on and life was super stressful etc. I asked her to be considerate of my time and space by waiting for an invite. She was very defensive, so I decided to just leave it. I thought that was the end of the conversation and I hoped she was embarrassed enough that I wouldn’t hear from her again. But as our kids go to school together, it’s inevitable we’d bump into each other at some point.

Anyway, I get this message from her several weeks later as though nothing had happened basically asking “why haven't you invited me over” “we haven’t seen you” “what shall I tell my child” “they miss you”. It very quickly turned to me being at fault. She felt that I’d led her on because I’d previously invited her over to mine and we had lunch the week of her birthday. She calls me dishonest, insinuates I’m a bad friend. I felt like I had to apologise. At which point you’d think most people would be like —I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. But no. After all that she reluctantly apologises to me only to then she asks if we can reconcile. I tell her we’re not a good fit and it won’t work for me. A get a few passive aggressive WhatsApp messages and that was that!

In hindsight there were various amber/red flags that I’d dismissed, like calling me her soulmate and thanking me for coming into her life. This was after a couple of months after meeting her. Then there was suggestions I put things on my credit card for her and the flattery. I noticed she’d get funny with me when I didn’t make time for her, even whilst my family were around at Christmas time or when I went out with other friends. I later find she’s bought the same items that I have in my kitchen. Now it might have been a coincidence, but it was pretty weird nonetheless. We’re going to a school thing, she lets on her husband had asked her if she had feelings for me. It was so bizarre. It definitely felt like she was trying to pursue a friendship at a pace that didn’t feel natural. In all fairness to her she later admitted to getting a bit carried away and being a bit lonely. But never again!

@SpaceRaiders That does sound strange like she's obsessed with you or more than friendship!

I have a mum friend situation that seems similar to what you've said and I've had to create some distance but even she's not as intense as that.

@hottchocolatte You didn’t meet her at school did you?

I think people like this really need to be told in no uncertain terms. Creating distance only made this person even more frantic in wanting to spend time with me. There much more that I haven’t added here. It was all a bit unnerving to say the least.

@SpaceRaiders gosh that does sound scary the way you put it. But can I just give you another perspective? I might be just like this woman! NC just to post to you.

I myself have probably come across as “needy”, “clingy” etc but truth is I’m very lonely. I don’t click with many people. I had an awful upbringing where I was neglected and older siblings ignored me. I feel up thinking I’m not important or worthy.

I have occasional chats with neighbours, school mums, girls at the gym etc. but I never feel anything other than need to be civil. as I do t really enjoy their company or feel at ease. I meet up with school mums once every few months and I’m not bothered really it’s just something to do like a duty or something.

In my whole 42 years of life I’ve come across 3 women who I felt close to. I felt I can be myself and won’t be judged and I can stop putting on a face that’s not real and can be authentic. But they were not interested in pursuing a friendship that was just once in a while. I didn’t really push it like your friend but I can relate to her. If you’ve had a traumatic childhood it’s really hard to make normal bonds with ppl. Sorry my youngest just come down so I have to make breakfast for him! But in short I get where you coming from and I can totally understand the other lady.

@nameeCha I hear you, but I suspect the difference between you and this person is that you seem to have a level of self awareness. I’d hope that if your friend sat you down and asked that you stopped a particular behaviour that was becoming problematic, you’d take accountability and simply apologise.

I lot of what you say resonates but also she’s unfulfilled in her marriage and life in general. No hobbies. She feels trapped in the choices she made etc. And by the sounds of it utterly rubbish husband too!

That being said, it’s important in relationships to own your past and not push that out onto unsuspecting people. I say this as someone who’s had my fair share of traumatic life events. I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to place all their social needs on one person and certainly not someone they’ve only just met. I don’t wish her any ill will but it’s definitely made me quite wary.

Yes you’re right it’s not fair to place all needs on one person. Tbf no one has ever said I’m overbearing etc. I just get the feeling they want to have space so I don’t contact them, it’s a pity as some of the friendships could really have been lovely but my rule is if people give me the cold shoulder I don’t bother. Are you sure you’re not giving mixed signals? There’s one mum friend in particular whose very “lovey dovey” (!) over WhatsApp with me such as sending me messages going “hey hun” etc. she always starts it I don’t. In person she’s really cold so I don’t even respond to her messages anymore, just be careful you’re not “leading” her on - I mean that kindly please don’t take wrong way!

I’ve come to the point now where I’m okay being alone. I’ve been hurt so much trying to make friends. In all honesty I have no friends. I have lots of acquaintances* *but no real friends, it seems like you want a similar relationship with her in that case make it super clear (I think you have by saying whst you did in your op).

truthfully I don’t care about friendships anymore but I don’t want my little kids thinking how sad their mum is when they’re older, I think if you haven’t had this in your life you can’t relate.

Oh none taken. It’s good to hear a different perspective but I do think this is an entirely different situation @nameeCha

I speak to anyone, people say I’m nonjudgmental and intuitive. I don’t know what it is about me but complete strangers will often tell me all about their lives without me ever asking. The problem with this is people can and do make the mistake of assuming their feelings are mutual. When in reality I’m a slow burn kinda person. I need time to know you and I don’t want to feel rushed into doing so.

To me, it’s unrealistic to expect to have a strong bond built over many years from day one. And certainly telling anyone they’re your soulmate so quickly puts a massive amount of pressure on the other party. In this instance she pursued me, it felt very inauthentic. And even after me being very clear about my limitations (chronic illness), she continued to overstep my boundaries. I was at fault for being too polite, I allowed it to continue for longer than I should— I think this is what’s she meant by me leading her on.

I think being comfortable in solitude is a skill many people don’t seem to have. Personally there’s nothing better than hermit-ing in my pjs, but then again I’m an introvert!

@SpaceRaiders No I know her as a local mum with a child the same age as mine. I welcomed making new friends at first but there were two things to put me off. One is she was a bit much. She'd want to meet every week or even on occasion suggest something on the Friday (my day off), Saturday and Sunday. We went to their wedding as they invited us and I now realise they must consider us close friends. The second issue is that I find her hard work and not very good company (which I feel awful saying). She often wants something, asks to borrow things that she could just easily buy, when she's been over she asks for constant snacks for her children (the last time she wanted me to make them sandwiches at about 10:30
when they'd just come over and I did it but I haven't invited them again!). The last time we went to hers I felt unwelcome and uncomfortable. She didn't seem to want my DC to play with anything (she was playing with the same toy for almost an hour) and she seemed desperate to put it away. I wondered why she'd invited us. She talks about herself and her DC, seems uninterested if I reciprocate, and often comes and interrupts conversations if I'm speaking to another mum friend. And by interrupt I mean she comes and sits between us, or last time sat in her seat when she stood up to get her cup of tea, and then starts talking about something else. I suspect she is ND but she can be rude I can't help if I don't like being around her. My DH invited her husband and the DC go a BBQ we had as she was going to be away. I kid you not I'm sure she came back early to go to our party... it's hard to explain but hopefully that gives you an idea!

Like you say a big. part of the issue is self-awareness.

(Sorry that was long!)

It’s funny you say ND because I suspected that might be the case here too, as a lot of what you say resonates.

Yes your post resonated with me too. I'm an introvert too and I am quite happy on my one day off with DC to sometimes just be at home for a few hours whereas she always wants to meet up. Don't get me wrong, we do go out most days but if we've been out in the morning I'm happy to be at home just us in the afternoon whereas she'll see us in the morning and suggest getting together in the afternoon as well.

I think I have been a bit stand-off-ish as she has pushed me a lot so she has backed off but we will see how things go when the DC are back to school 😬

It has been useful to compare notes! I feel like I can't talk about it IRL as then I'd be bitching about her to people we know!