Love him or in love with him?

[annalt92]

Hi everyone, firstly it's probably going to be a lengthy one so I apologise and please no judgement I feel I just need to write my feelings down. Am I in love or do I just love him? I have been with my partner for just under 3 years. He is a good man at heart and 80% of the time he does treat me well. However, he has the tendency to not be able to accept responsibility and has to white lie to justify certain things and I am someone who cannot stand lies as I am not someone you would ever need to lie too. He is a man-child, he brushes things under the carpet and lets everyone else worry about his problems and I worry that these things have made me resent him which hurts me to admit. I often find myself thinking about cheating and imagining my life without having to deal with these things. I don't want to have to mother my partner! Which is what I am doing at the moment. Please advise :(

Wow, what you're describing sounds like neither love, nor being in love.
He sounds horrible and you sound like you're barely tolerating him.

Why are you still with him? Are you afraid of being alone?

I know.. it hurts me to admit this which is why I have come on here to talk. We have had some amazing times together don't get me wrong but man child behaviour and mothering is not something I want for myself. I do love him but I think over the last year I have grown to resent him. Is this a rough patch? Or will this resentment continue to grow?

Yes, why are you still with him? No need to imagine not living with the things he does. Just leave. Make your dream come true.

Men don't typically grow out of this behaviour on their own.
Sometimes they do, when deep down they are reasonable, intelligent men who actually care about their spouse and feel genuine compassion for how their spouse feels. They don't want their spouse to feel burdened or overwhelmed and are willing to take a hard look at themselves, to grow to become a better partner.

Typically, if any remark on your end is met with denial, gaslighting, defensiveness, then that willingness to be better for you is not there. So they will never change. Not for you at least.

Neither. He’s just familiar and there’s a sunk costs fallacy.

80% is an appallingly low number and from what you’ve described id guess it’s generous.

how would you work through the ‘rough patch’ if that’s what it is, given he won’t be changing?

If you want us to guess whether you love him or you are in love with him, you're going to have to mention at least one positive feeling you have towards him.
Do you get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside when he goes out of his way to support you? Does your heart melt when he cooks you a meal that you casually mentioned you haven't eaten for ages? Do you feel wrapped in love when he remembers your stressful day and checks up on you? Do you feel like he's got your back when he supports your viewpoint in a dispute with friends? Do you feel proud to be his girlfriend when he spontaneously does something that shows what a great guy he is? Do you love it when he ends arguments by admitting he was wrong and apologising?

That's just the thing. I get all those feelings. However, asking him to accept that he was wrong and he could've handled a situation differently? very rare I will get that and if I do, most of the time i fear it's because he knows that's what I want to hear and I think that in itself cancels out all of the above warm, fuzzy feelings. It's difficult because he is lovely and he makes me laugh out loud but he's been mollycoddled by his mother and she has just agreed with him his whole life, he's never had to really accept he was wrong and I am now trying to shake that into him.

Make sure you don't try to convince yourself that you love him because you want to be a good girlfriend. It's OK not to love him, even if he can be very nice sometimes.
An honest, heartfelt apology is a big green flag. My exh used to tell fibs and that just got worse over the years.

he's never had to really accept he was wrong and I am now trying to shake that into him

But he still doesn't have to accept that he's wrong. Ever. He can maintain his rightness even if he's saying that the sky is green and he has an alien sat on his knee. It's none of your business where he sets his 'I am right' levels. He's an adult. He makes that decision. The only thing you have a right to do is decide how you respond to him.

This whole issue is about your problem with upholding your own boundaries. Sure, he might think he's right when he's wrong, but it's not causing me a problem, it's not causing your next door neighbour a problem, it's not causing his mother a problem. You are choosing to be around behaviours that you don't like, and you are trying to change another person, in order to solve your problem.

If he needs to be different from how he is in order to be in a relationship with you, tell him that. If he demonstrates respect for your wishes, stay with him. If he doesn't leave him. You are responsible for making you happy; not him.

I dated someone who lied about silly things that were pointless to lie about. Turns out he lied about big things as well.

A liar is a liar imo and it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Which of your parents behaved in a way that you had to 'put up with', despite the fact that you didn't like it? Was one of them a drinker or addict? Abusive to you, or the other parent? Constantly distracted by a demanding sibling? Ill? What were you dealing with, as a child, that taught you that loving someone involved putting up with crap you didn't like, and loving, nonetheless?

Irrelevant, you can't choose your parents. You can choose your partners.

When we turn into adults, we don't legally need our parents any more. Not because we don't need parenting, but because we are capable of parenting ourselves. We parent ourselves, usually, in the way that we have been parented. So if you were parented in a way that made you feel that love involved putting up with behaviour you didn't like, that's the way you'll live as an adult. Until you learn better. Which you won't, if you respond to friendly advice with 'Irrelevant', and suchlike. That's called denial, and, in this instance, made for quite a rude post. Sometimes people who are trying to help say things that you might not want to hear.

How was your relationship with your parents?

he's never had to really accept he was wrong and I am now trying to shake that into him.
is there a reason this is your job?

‘Never having to accept’ isn’t really an excuse for a mature adult who respects other people and wants relationships to work out. Not being great at it, taking some time, but you’ve had no real progress at all and he’s showing no interest. This is a project you’ve set about creating for yourself, to change someone else’s behaviour. If he can’t figure out that he should treat you like a person who’s thoughts feelings and opinions are as important as his, it doesn’t really how much you ‘try’ to shake that into him.
it is incredibly interesting that his mum pandered to him, and he couldn’t help it, and now it’s your job to teach him, and show him and put up with him, but still, the poor thing can’t help it. Is it possible it’s neither his mums nor your fault and he’s a grown man who you don’t actually seem to like that much. Do you think you’re seeing the finished product if you can change him, and hoping for that instead.