How to open the can of worms + ask my parents why I don't see them?

[TinaTanner]

My parents (mid 70s) seem to be withdrawing from me. They have been slowly reducing back their visits over years.

We get on really well in each others company. But its out of sight, out of mind. I message or call once or twice week but often wait a few days for a reply. My invites are often rejected. I rarely get invited to their home.

They've always kept busy socially. However the penny has dropped that I keep getting ditched, but they manage to fit everything else in. I'm getting fed up of hearing stories of the activities they prioritised. I'm glad they have a life, but they've been too ill with a cold to see me for the last fortnight, but have been out to buy new curtains, art class, WI and the pub. If this was friends that I couldn't schedule to meet with, I'd take the hint. But this is my parents. They have different rules for me and seem to be hurt if I don't contact them for a week, but its fine for them.

I feel I have to open this can of worms soon and say something. I never have challenged them that I get put in 2nd or last place, I've always just took the back burner. But I'm the only family nearby. My sister moved abroad and they've even cut back on visiting her this year. Someone pointed out to me that older people often start to withdraw from family and its made me wonder. Their health is ok. When I see them, I know I get the full story of any tests, but out of sight I'm never quite sure.

It feels important I start saying something but I want to keep it light. Anyone faced similar and have ideas?

FYI I can't drive so can't just pop in to see them but they are only 20 mins drive away. I'm not after babysitters, kids are teens. Just parents who I don't have to pursue to see for cup of tea or sunday lunch + to see their grandkids.

What sort of relationship did your sister and you have with them when you were growing up?. Do you think that your sister was more favoured?.
I ask that due to your comment, "I never have challenged them that I get put in 2nd or last place, I've always just took the back burner."

When there is contact do they ask anything about you/your life?. Such people do not change readily if at all (my parents are very similar).

I would not consider saying anything to them at least until you have found a counsellor. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

What do your teens make of them?.

If it is possible for you to now learn how to drive I would do so.

My parents were the same. I think it’s a generational thing. I am the one doing the running. They are retired etc but it’s me that has always had to go to theirs etc.

I’m not sure about older people actively withdrawing from family, but around the same age both my parents and DH’s started to talk about having a ‘very busy week ahead’, usually just the sort of things you mention above (which others take in their stride - health-dependent, obviously) and they also became very inflexible with plans - there was just no spontaneity! I think that was more a personality than age thing, though.

Have you tried/suggested meeting somewhere like a coffee shop in between your homes that you can both get to easily? Just wondering if the issue is practical and they mildly resent always doing the driving, but also prefer not to have visitors at home - I know that sounds like you can’t win, but probably worth a shot before opening the can of worms!

Have you made any life choices they don't approve of? Do they openly tell you what they have been doing?

I'm very close to my mum, but she and I had the same kind of dynamic for a few years. I kept my feelings about being unimportant and feeling rejected bottled up for years, so I had no idea what was happening. After talking about it, it made more sense.

I was living down the road from where she worked at the time. I was always so hurt that she never wanted to come by after work for a cup of tea or to stay for dinner, but once she went home (a 40-minute drive) she would still want to visit friends or go out for dinner. It felt like it was always me who had to take initiative and drive out to her, when she worked just down the road from my home.

What I didn't know at the time, was that she was struggling with depression and burn-out related to her job, and staying in the area of her work was just too hard for her. She hated the whole city. But she didn't want me to worry, so she kept quiet.

I don't know what could be causing your situation, but I can say things got a lot better after we got things out in the open.
FYI, she no longer works there and I no longer live there, and now we see each other all the time.

How close was you growing up? Dhs dad is like this. We offer to drive the 300 moles to his, but after 6 years of not seeing the grandkids the offers have stopped. He sees and drives all over for every one else but has driven last us without mentioning it. Is often in London meeting bil but never mentions that either. He was a useless and absent father when dh was a child. He continues to be a uselessc and unavailable father now.

This may or may not be relevant in your case, but increased selfishness and self-absorption can be a symptom of cognitive decline. People developing dementia may just seem to lack the capacity to think about other people - thinking about their own lives takes up all their bandwidth.

Having said that, your parents seem well able to take part in other activities and outings. And there are some people (like my own DM) who have basically been self-absorbed all their lives!

My parents have recently been the same. Most markedly my mum who used to call me every day, asking me questions. Now she calls me much less and usually only because she wants to ask me something, or to do something for her. I think it’s to do with aging, with her mental capacity declining. It’s as if she can only really focus on what’s immediately happening to her, and finds it hard to think outside that situation. If I’m with her we can chat away, but it’s almost like out of sight, out of mind. The day to day chores seem more complicated and fill her days, so she doesn’t have time to think, “I wonder what my daughter’s up to?” like she used to.
I wouldn’t bother confronting them over it. It won’t be personal. Just resign yourself to the fact that you need to do all the leg work, and spend as much time as you can with them.
At their age, you don’t know how much more time you have with them.
Just appreciate them while you can (faults and all) while they’re still around. Hope that helps.

Thanks

I've always been a close to my parents. My sister was a drama queen growing up, having her choice always seemed to matter more to her, so I went along. Sis moved away, so rarely in contact that my parents used to grasp at any time with her as precious. But she's mellowed, talks to them reguarly now and for my parents the shine has dulled a bit.

I totally agree in their 70s they have become more set in their ways and unable to change. Which is partly why their ad-hoc behaviour towards visiting us continues to totally baffle me. As soon as a pattern of visits emerges, its like they get the ick and I don't see them for a few weeks.

I have also wondered about whether its an early dementia or ageing brain thing. My mum has confused the time of a few appointments lately. She was really upset my Dad joked about it. She has a bit low mood lately too. Its normally my mum and me in contact and organising things. But maybe I should try to talk to my Dad alone first.

Thank you very much for starting this thread, @TinaTanner - it's really helped me to articulate and clarify similar concerns about my own mum and stepfather, who are in their early 80s and haven't visited us since December 2019.

As stepfather was already quite frail before the pandemic and my mum went to great lengths to shield him and keep him safe during the lockdowns, DH and I had been wondering whether her apparent reluctance either to drive over to see us (where previously she'd have leapt into the car at a moment's notice) or to invite us over to theirs is down to her still feeling she has to "protect" him from the outside world. I'm not kidding - she barely allows him out of the back garden any more!

However, the responses on this thread have opened our eyes to the possibility that she's simply finding everyday life as much as she can handle nowadays. She used to have a strenuous outdoor hobby that she took part in every day, but all the local clubs shut down during the pandemic and then never reopened; and without the need to travel longer distances to take part in competitions, it's possible she may also have lost some of her driving confidence. She never mentions the hobby any more when we chat on the phone, but always says how she's driven to an outlying village with no bus service to pick up her recently-widowed younger sister (who doesn't drive) and take her shopping in our home town. We've realised it's entirely possible that nowadays she's only driving around in a familiar, safe radius of about 5 miles from her own house. Very similar to @CamomileB's observations there!

Thanks very much to all who've shared their thoughts and experiences here - you've helped me to understand better what else may be feeding into this gradual process of "detachment", too.

As another poster said, you need to learn how to drive and get some 'wheels'.

If you don't drive how do you know how long it takes them?

Expecting them to keep burning up petrol to see you is just selfish IMO.

I'm younger than your parents but retired. The dynamic with adult children is surprisingly difficult. They have their own lives, and their lives and routines are very different to mine. I don't want to come across as needy or naggy, and am all too well aware that in future they may have to do more for me than they'd really want to (we're wrestling with elderly parents ourselves, sometimes literally). My life is pretty packed with small, regular stuff and it's easy to get sucked into that at the expense of bigger things like going away for an impromptu weekend.

That said, if my kids want to come and see me I jump at the chance and I impose myself on them too. I certainly prioritise them over anything else and wouldn't ditch them.

FloJoHoHoHo I don't think it's a generational thing. It's the other way around for me. My DD doesn't drive and lives an hour away. DGSs have loads of stuff on every weekend so basically I mostly see them around birthdays. I have various interests (us oldies need them or we'd wither away) and accept there will come a time when physically I won't get around so much. I wish I saw them more but they lead very busy lives.

I agree with the previous responses that a lot of older people start having much ‘narrower’ lives at these ages, and routine day-to-day stuff like shopping seems to become a Big Thing in their minds. My PIL are similar, and I’ve noticed that they are less interested in us and our lives eg: DH tells them about something that’s happened or something DD has done, and they almost immediately turn the conversation back to their lives - often something minor like a discussion on their village Facebook page.

The driving may also be an issue as they already have to drive to you, even if it’s only 20 minutes. Are their other activities/ errands that you mention local to them? We live about 200 miles from my PIL, and previously they’ve always been fine with visiting us, but they recently said they would struggle with the long drive at the moment due to health issues. I was relieved that they admitted this as I could see they were both tired after driving here for a visit last year and needed a day doing nothing to recover.

I try to take the attitude that the relationship has shifted now, and we need to be the ones taking an interest in their problems (however minor they might seem to us) and being concerned, rather than the other way round.

EllieQ thanks for understanding how the lives of older people do change. It's so frustrating that I can no longer do what I used to without thinking about it and worry that I'll have to give up driving as that would mean giving up a lot of independence. An hour's drive is already stressful.