He said I’m toxic but still wants to keep tabs on me

[Icespiceee]

My ex and I had a on off relationship, he cheated I never trusted him again. We share a child so I think that’s why we kept trying again.

Anyway 6 months ago, I saw him texting a girl, he was shady with the messages. He ended it with me saying he can’t be in a relationship where he’s not trusted. By this point I was over it.

I started therapy, I started dating again, very casual just drinks etc. My ex and I tried to be friendly but he kept trying to fish for information what I’m doing and who with.

Most recently we had an argument, he gave a long speech how I’m a horrible person, I’m toxic, he needs peace from me. Yet I leave him alone, only talk about our child, never ask him what he’s doing and who with.

I don’t understand why if I’m such a terrible toxic woman with trust issues, he’s worried what I’m doing

He sounds controlling. Do you still have feelings for him as this could be why it is bothering you what he thinks?

I think you just have to forget him and just deal with him in relation to your child. Not easy, I’m sure.

I mean this nicely OP - I can't understand why, after a break up, therapy and a new relationship you care what he thinks of you.

Communicate where necessary over your child. Let go of any other relationship between you.

Who gives a damn what he thinks?

Does it matter? Gray rock and do not discuss anything with him other than issues related to your child. If he tries to start an argument about what you're doing, don't say a single word and just walk away. What he thinks doesn't matter anymore.

I’m not in a new relationship at all, and I’m not sure why I care what he thinks. I suppose I just feel hurt that he did all the cheating but when I move on. I’m the toxic awful woman who he’s glad to get rid of

It sounds like he wants a reaction from you. He doesn't actually want to be with you but equally he doesn't want you to move on and be happy and independent of him. Don't get sucked into his drama.

Absolutely this!

He’s either a) just trying to hurt you, or
b) that’s his opinion.

We can’t control how other people feel about us. Let it go.

He's projecting and gaslighting you. Just ignore him. Communication should be about your child only. If he brings up anything about your dating life or your character either ignore him and don't reply or if in person just say, "cool story bro".

He's trying to rid himself of guilt by painting you out to be the arsehole. My DHs ex does exactly the same. She cheated on him and punched him in front of their child but then spun the narrative that he walked out and left her heartbroken and she had no idea why.

She now causes endless issues with the kids then wonders why he doesn't want to have a friendly co-parenting relationship and tells him he's being childish because he doesn't dance to her tune.

It will get easier over time of you just keep ignoring him. He'll eventually get bored when he stops getting the reaction he's looking for. Stay strong and well done for getting away from such a horrible man. ❤️

I think I do have feelings for him still, which is probably why I’m upset he sees me like that. I know he will never change, I know our relationship will never be what I want it to be and most the time I genuinely don’t even like him.

he gave a long speech how I’m a horrible person, I’m toxic, he needs peace from me

His accusations are admissions - what he accuses you of doing to him, he is doing to you. So he's toxic and you need peace from him.

Just because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you doesn't mean he doesn't want to know everything that's going on in your life, they want to know everything because that knowledge might become their power, if they choose to further the abuse.

Grey rock is the way forward with him. Be careful with this one

Keep up with the therapy and ditch the dating for a while. This will give you enough space to a) disconnect, and b) work things through so that you can prevent or more easily work through getting enmeshed with him or any subsequent partners.

Fortunately, his (projected, DARVO) opinion of you matters less than a gnat's fart in a hurricane.

He's trying to control the narrative. As a PP said, he's trying to assuage his guilt by making out you're the problem. Then he can cast himself in the role of victim.

Bit sad, really, that he needs to do this. Try to see him as an object of pity (because it is pitiful). You don't need to justify yourself - in fact, it will only make you feel worse because you won't be playing the role he's cast for you, and he's only likely to double down on it until you either comply or you lash out (thereby proving him right - in his eyes at least).

Don't play his silly, nasty, schoolboy game.

You can have feelings for him. But don't let those feelings dictate what you do - just because they're strong emotions, doesn't make them useful.

Courage, ma brave.

You’re the bear and he is poking you because he wants a reaction and, preferably, to make you feel bad.

Because you feeling bad is his fun. If he isn’t getting it from anywhere else, he comes to you for his fix.

Remove his fun from you. Become the most boring person in his life. Tell him nothing ever again.

And move on.

I don’t understand why if I’m such a terrible toxic woman with trust issues, he’s worried what I’m doing

Why do you need to understand?

The confusion is because you’re taking his word as a fact and trying to make sense of the fact. but actually it’s just words he’s saying. You don’t even know if he believes them himself.

also as @Watchkeys said. Why do you need to understand. He’s not your partner. You don’t need to understand his opinion of you. It’s no more relevant than bob or Jane down the streets opinion.

You can't control his narrative of what happened between you and whose fault it was, so there's no point trying. Just move on with your head held high. You know he was the cheat!

He's just gaslighting you.
He wants a reaction or attention.