I seem to lose sexual attraction after 5 years and I don’t know why

[suchaclassic]

Since I’ve been having relationships I have had a very clear time limit on my sexual attraction to partners. It’s embarrassing to talk about but now I’ve reached the age of 40 I see the pattern. After about five years I start to not be able to find my partner sexually attractive and have to break up with them. I have been in relationships longer than five years (when I had DC) but post that 5 year mark the relationships have become very hard to maintain sexually and attraction-wise.

does anyone else have this?

I have been trying to think about why I am like this and I actually think it’s an attachment problem. I have co-dependent tendencies and at the beginning (first 1-2 years) of relationships I try and be the “perfect” partner, contorting myself into a pretzel and neglecting my own needs and desires. I unconsciously do this and somehow convince myself that I like the things they like and have lots in common with them. I am overly financially and emotionally supportive of my partners and completely lose my own identity. The sexual attraction on my side is strong because I have a strong need to be needed by them. As the years go by, something unconsciously inside me starts to resent neglecting my own needs (even though I’ve caused it myself) and I start losing attraction and resenting my partner. I then pull back and often leave my partner feeling blindsided. I don’t want to be like this but it feels like it is all happening unconsciously.

is this a familiar pattern for anyone else?

I know it’s toxic. I just don’t know how to not do it

Therapy

Biology? Evolution? We're not built to fancy the same people forever without procreating.

Maybe you get it stronger than most.

Loads of reading out there about how this chemistry works.

Well, you seem to have diagnosed the cause, so now you should be able to enter your next relationship differently, and ensure you don't lose yourself in the first couple of years but remain true to yourself. If it's the right man, you won't have to in order to keep him.

Next time go into.a relationship with the freedom of being u. 5 year time limit is ok if that works for you. Don't live together

Seven year itch?

Except your itch has a shorter threshold

Similar concept as the honeymoon period.

Im the same. If you saw my current ex you would question why I don't fancy him. I question why i don't but it is what it is. Rather than staying I move on. I'm comfortable with not lasting longer than 5 years. I think I am just honest with myself and accept it is how I am! I just need to stop getting married to them 🤣

I'm the same. I've always questioned myself about being in love too and I think I'm devoid of emotion. My DM always said I have a heart of stone mainly because I scoffed when she and my sister were blubbering messes watching Lassie films and Noel's Christmas Day programme.

I think that’s normal. Lots of people can’t keep it going for as long as 5 years.

We’re socialised to at least attempt long term monogamy and it’s possible to maintain a decent sex life even once the early thrills have died off.

But lots of people find the attraction to the new is strong enough to make them give up the advantages of sticking with the old.

Yes, though it's more like 2/3 yrs, maybe even less.

I did read that some studies have shown that the longer women are in steady, secure relationship, the lower their sexual.attraction and motivation towards their partner is.

There seem to be people on here not like this though.

(I would say that one factor for me is that I put up with shitty sexual effort/skills etc from them because the novelty and lust etc carried it in the early months, then as that novelty and lust went, I resented the fact that they were not making an effort to try to make me/help me climax and I subsequently was not motivated etc to have sex because it was one sided and I was resentful/disinterested).

Back on the main topic, a girl I know said exactly the same as how I expressed; she has decreasing to nearly nothing sex drive/sexual attraction after a couple of years.

Yes!! Except I lose it after 2 years, but each relationship has been dragged out for another hellish 2+ years because I never have the balls to leave!
I am also codependent (and now in therapy in a bid to change this). I think I go for any man I am slightly attracted to, regardless of any mismatch/red flags etc, because I just want to be loved. And I think, subconsciously, sex will make them love me.
Then when the honeymoon period is over I realise I don’t actually like them at all. But being with them is preferable to being alone (except it’s not) which is why it gets dragged out another few years!!
I know that this is my pattern yet for some reason I am always shocked 4+ years down the line of each relationship when I realise I’ve done it again 😂

And I totally know what you mean about neglecting yourself then resenting it!!!

That sounds perfectly fine to me as long as no children are caught up in these cycles.

I am amazed you do it that long, I’m closer to 5 months than 5 years.

I think I tend to idolise someone and overestimate their capabilities, then am shocked and hurt when I find out they have clay feet.

The first three months are the best, I probably shouldn’t go beyond that anymore.

I think I may be on the spectrum and dislike my routines disturbed, I also don’t like the mess and smells other not as meticulous create, and I have yet to meet a lover that wasn’t lacklustre, that’s not why I go into it, I prefer the mental stimulation and the whirlwind romance.

Is anyone else like this?
How did it all turn out for you?

Part of it is that I don’t want to live with anyone else again.

I thought this was just me and concerned I had issues. I like the initial honeymoon phase, get sucked in then 18mths in they start annoying me. Just wanting to see me lots, making a mess at my house (admittedly I have bit of ocd) and I like my space. They always want to get married and move in. Yet I make it clear I am happy as it is. I then spend next year seeing myself withdrawing to the extent I don’t want to see them anymore. Last 2 relationships lasted 3 years. I see myself doing it but I can’t stop myself.
Then I see people stay for years in unhappy relationships but we only get one shot. I am so independent now, maybe stuck in my ways and love my home, I just need a part time lover lol

I am very similar and my last relationship followed such pattern (there were other issues too).

I cant even be bothered dating just now. The thought of increasing expectations, needy / clingy behaviour, doing everything together, eventually wanting to live together (leading to domestic drudgery) turn me right off. I felt so exhausted and drained towards the end of my last relationship. Maybe I've the just never met the right one for me.

This is such a brilliant post. Im glad it's not just me. I've been single for over 6 months now after a long marriage and a nearly 4 year relationship.

I just want to spend time with my child (and myself!) now without anyone disturbing our peace and adding unnecessary hassle to our daily routine. The happiest I have been in a long time!
Im approaching 40-ties and surprised how content I feel.

What do you do to maintain your identity when you're single?

That’s so relateable and I do wonder if it’s because I haven’t met the one too.
I am very aware the older I get the more I like my space, my house staying as I left it and not being financially reliant on anyone. It is just so nice. 😊

Yep. I can relate to this.
I think it's normal to stop fancying someone after a few years of living together. - to varying degrees I guess.

You sound very intense im not surprised it can't be sustained.
I wouldn't financially support men either, maybe thats why you lose respect for them.

In my first relationship (together for 14 years, married for 10), my exH was pretty much hopeless around the house and with our child. He was working away a lot, so I relied on my mum a lot when my little one was under 2. I was then running the house, looked after the kid and had a full time job while he was enjoying his overseas work jollies. No wonder I lost all respect and sexual attraction for him.

My 2nd relationship, the guy was doing a lot more around the house, cooking, etc.
For the first couple of years, intimacy was good (and he was very much into it, so at the end I felt a lot of pressure). However, when I gradually started getting to know him better and realised he was taking advantage financially, sexually and emotionally, I lost all respect and desire to stay in the relationship, and subconsciously started resenting him. It gradually fizzled out.

Funny though, he had a great job himself, similar to mine, so was not disadvantaged in any way. The entitlement, selfishness and misery from his side, masked by pretence of "being a nice guy" put me off dating and having a partner (at least for now) as I see no point.
So I very much relate to most you said in your OP.

I think it's really normal.
Meeting someone who you have that lust/connection for permanently must be amazing, but I tend to lose it when I get to know the guy and all their disappointing qualities.
I still take ages to finish with them because there's not a huge amount of choice out there and I know it will be the same old same old with the next one too.
Gutted because it must be so lovely to have a great long-term partner, but I think it's so rare.

I'm the same, although I usually last around 2 years before I go off someone sexually. I was just wondering the other day if I am abnormal. I usually find that something about the person's behaviour puts me off rather than anything physical about them. I posted recently about my current partner's behaviour and I didn't add that I have gone off him physically as I didn't want to get flamed.

I am male but similar. Mine is more like 2/3 years. I just get bored with the same person and hate when relationships become slobbing around watching Eastenders every night.

Needless to say my relationship history hasn’t been great!

In terms of sexual attraction, yes it's normal for it to fade. Most couples have other things in common though, even if its just shared parenting, that keeps them together. But it sounds like you've identified that you don't really, deep down, have much in common with your partners - you've presented yourself to them as what you think they will fall in love with, but never really revealed your true self, or searched for anyone who really suits who you truly are.

What work have you done on these codependent traits?

What was your attachment to your family or origin like growing up?

I was not able to properly attach to either parent and I think this has given me an avoidant attachment style, which explains why I can walk away so easily.

It may be that you need to inform yourself about this area, knowledge is power.