How do you co-parent with a hostile exH?

[Orangejuggler]

My DC came back Sunday night from a weekend at his dad’s.

I asked him if he had a nice time, fun at his dad’s, but DC refuses to say anything.

I’ve since had a chat with him and he admits that he doesn’t like talking about his dad at mine, because he isn’t allowed to talk about me at his dad’s. My DC says this makes it fair.

I’ve reassured him that of course he can talk about his dad and the fun things they do together. That he should be comfortable sharing his life with both of us.

but privately, I’m horrified that my son feels he has to do this. I’m also angry that my exH thinks it’s ok to ban my DC from talking about his mum! He hates me and would rather I didn’t exist, but this is ridiculous.

his dad is abusive and volatile ( with me- not DC) so I can never discuss this with him.

I’m really worried about the long term damage this will do to my son- how do you ever tackle this?

Maybe he’s been told by dad to not tell you what they’ve done together. I’d just leave it so as not to confuse the child, or get him into trouble at his dad’s.

Thanks @DustyLee123 i think this is exactly what happens, but it’s such a horrible thing to ask a kid to do.

I had an abusive ex. I tried not to get involved with his side of parenting. Never asked him for a favour. I'd ask dds if they had a nice time but didn't probe for details and I didn't slate him to them. If they did talk to me about him I supported but stayed fairly neutral and didn't tell him but rather tried to advise them.

How old is your son?

I would explain that not being allowed to talk about his life with you and the other way around is not normal, he isn’t two people with two different lives. Explain to him what abusive means and sounds like, give him the tool to protect himself.

And when you see that twat, calmly tell him in front of your son just how damaging his demands are to a child and ask him to stop the nonsense.
My DD remembers me standing up for her, she is now a grown up and looking back she’s thankful I clarified situations rather than making sense of her dad’s nonsense herself.

My response depends on how old your son is.

He is 10. So becoming aware of situation.

Ive not said a word about his dad to him, but things are starting to come out from my son. ( I don’t think he likes some of the stuff his dad says)

My ex did this screamed at everyone I was questioning the kids about "his life" and what he was doing I explained I just asked if he had a good time and his teacher was called upon to confirm I asked him that when he came out of school too its not a serious question its just a reflex "hi did you have a good time today?" I argued I should be allowed to ask this I wasn't probing or questioning what they ate what they did etc just did you have fun? Yes? Are you hungry? Great!

Him on the other hand was questioning everything what I was doing where we went did we have plans was there a man in the house he literally sat in a meeting stating he had every right to know WHO THE MAN WAS in my house again I was told to answer him it was the gas man ds was fucking five autistic and answered honestly yes there was a man in the house that night (I'm HA so it can be up to 11pm for a repair) yes he saw him the following day too and a few days later no he doesn't think he slept there ex made himself look all kinds of stupid but I was astounded that I was the one perceived to be in the wrong for saying "did you have a good time"

@Theunamedcat they just look like fools don’t they?
I had my ex checking up at hotels we’re staying at during holidays- phoning reception and demanding to speak to us immediately. Always asking about men too. Like it matters!

he insisted on getting addresses of where we’d be staying when on holiday as part of court order ( I agreed as it was useful for me to have that info- never bothered him on holiday. It’s purely in case of emergency, natural disaster etc)

Do you have a Child Arrangement order in place?

Sorry, I see you do have a CAO.

It was at about this age that my son started to speak up about what was going on at his Dad's.
For a while I 'made' him go - gave him the line that it was important, that Dad wanted to see him, I even had the school head tell DS that it's what the grown ups has decided.
I never wanted him to say I prevented him from seeing his Dad.

Things came to a head (DS sobbing that he didn't want to go) and so I didn't send him. Told ex, phoned my solicitor for advice, and started the process of rearranging the CAO (so it could be seen that I wasn't just the bitter ex preventing a little boy from seeing his Dad).

The courts then agreed DS didn't need to go.

It was emotional abuse which as we know is complicated, and I was still in a fragile state post divorce and not as strong as I am now.

I found a diary DS had written when he was 8 or so and still seeing his Dad. It broke my heart.

He's nearly 15 now and we're doing fine.

We kind of have this in the reverse. DSS's step dad grills them endlessly about what they've done at our house, how their dad was, was anything said about him etc etc. He constantly undermines dh, sends him horrible messages, puts pictures of himself and DSS having 'father and son time' on the football wattsapp group (Apropo of nothing-everyone else just uses it for match logistics-it's bizarre and very obviously about trying to upset dh). When DSS's get home to their house I think his step dad likes to see how his antics have landed with dh. DSS hates it and feels torn because to satisfy step dad he says he feels he has to say something negative about his dad, and then he feels guilty about it. It's all coming out in therapy now-the kid is 11 and absolutely crushed by it.
You are doing the right thing op-fine to ask about their day or whatever -that's just normal chit chat. And remain neutral or don't comment at all regarding what goes on in the other house. Unless you have a safeguarding concern of course .

Tbf ive told my kids not to speak to their father about me but thats because i was sick of him fishing for info about me/ my life

My kids are a bit younger (eldest is 7) but we have had to have conversations for years about how as a family we don't do secrets but nice surprises are ok and that there is nothing they can't tell me or ask me or the other adults who they love and trust (grandparents, aunts and uncles and so on) their dad scared one of them into not telling me something terrible so it's something I take seriously. They both know that they don't have to keep secrets for him and will now normally tell me with no prompting when he tells them to or if something that bothered them has happened but sometimes clarify I'll make sure there's no consequences for them. We've all had age appropriate counselling though and that really helped everyone.

You don’t co-parent with an abuser. You give your child a loving, stable, happy home life with you. You do your absolute best to minimise the harm the other parent causes and it’s not easy because you yourself have suffered so much and you just want to move on and heal.

At that age my DC really started questioning things and over time his understanding of the dynamics going on increased.
My ex saved his abuse for me, however his behaviour towards DC is far from good parenting and DC can see this now.
I have noticed DC tries to compartmentalise his father.

I have always been neutral about ex. Over the years DC figured out I won’t badmouth his father or react to mention of him but DC definitely angers his father if he mentions me. Every now and again DC will mention something in passing about his father, because he is trying to make sense of it all.

Counselling has really helped DC. It’s hard on the child. The child is a mixture of two people and when one of those is open about their negative feelings towards the other parent it really hurts the child. Years after leaving an abusive relationship you are still piecing things back together especially when you have children.

This sounds familiar. My ex has a gf…who he refers to as DS’s stepmum.

he says our son asked to call her mum. ( my son is a lovely kid, but not sentimental at all and would never come out with this!)
It’s all a bit pathetic and as I’m very secure in my relationship with my son, it doesn’t bother me. However, I feel for my son- think he knows he’s being manipulated.

I also get told that my son is ‘spending time with his new family’ when they visit gf’s brother and kids. It’s all designed to annoy me, but it just means my son spends a weekend with some people he barely knows, and misses hanging out with his friends.

I’ve also said this at one point for exactly the same reason, but have rowed back.

i now don’t tell my son anything I don’t want his dad to know and have told him not to worry about telling him anything.