To those who are in, or who have been in, an abusive relationship: how did it affect your mood and general psychology?

[Lorenta]

I was hoping to hear from others who are in, or who have been in, an abusive relationship.

I was wondering how it affects / affected your mood and general psychology?

When I have described a few aspects of my marriage to others (e.g. my sister, a friend), words they have used are 'controlling' and 'emotional abuse'. These were words I had never considered before I got married (but looking back, there were small signs).

I find that, a lot of the time, I feel down about the future. I feel like my mind is often in turmoil, trying to make sense of some of the things he does. I feel distracted too and haven't read a book in ages.

There are moments when I feel OK - and even happy - with him, if, for example, we're planning a holiday and he's being fun and nice. I realise this is probably because I am being distracted from reality. I also feel happy if I'm doing something with my friends, or with colleagues at work.

I was wondering how others in similar situations found their mood affected.

I am in an emotionally abusive relationship (2 years) and trying to get out but realising am addicted to him ...probably because sometimes he is nice and funny and throws me a crumb. I'm hungry for a relationship but know now I won't get it with him. Two years of confusion and basically hell. Have stopped reading too...they fill your head with questions. I get very down and sometimes think am going crazy...he gaslights me a lot ...some days I can't function. I feel shit about how I look and he says he has erectile dysfunction now but never liked being touched anyway tbh. He comments all the time on other women. He shows more affection to my cat so I get jealous of the bloody cat ! Crazy stuff! I just want to be myself again...am a shadow of myself at the moment.

I am in an abusive relationship and I am trying to get out of it. Unfortunately going no-contact is not an option because we have children together. In my experience, being in an abusive relationship depletes you of a lot of energy. It takes a monumental effort to get out of bed in the morning and some days you get upset that you even woke up. You drift from sadness to hopelessness. When you do have moments of joy, reality steals those moments and sends you back to sadness. If you go along with your abuser's wishes, they might stay within the pattern that is already familiar to you, but if you start asserting boundaries, the cruelty will amplify.
It is not ok for someone to make another person feel like they are less than human.
There is nothing wrong with you. Try to imagine a time when you were genuinely happy. Preferably a time when the abuser wasn't part of your life. Do you remember what used to make you happy? If you can, take some of the focus away from him and redirect it towards making yourself a priority. Try to do one positive thing for yourself each day. It could ne as small as going on a walk, reading a chapter of a book you enjoy, or meeting up with friends for a chat.

My abusive ex-husband was genuinely a true psychopath and was so manipulative he gained majority custody of our children through incredibly devious brainwashing and other tactics. The things he did are so vile and aabhorrent they almost beggar belief.
Mind you, I wasn't that surprised as he warned me that I would lose everything should I dare to leave him and he nearly always gets what he wants.
He also made false allegations in an attempt to destroy my career (primary teacher) but didn't quite get away with that one.
He also told my kids at one point my now husband "could well be a paedophile" and did his very best time and time again to split us apart. Luckily my husband is mentally a very strong man.
I don't quite know how I'm still here - I did write goodbye letters to both of my sons when things were particularly bad. With counselling I have come to some sort of level of acceptance, even though I will always still be angry that the courts did nothing to protect myself or my boys from an evil and cruel monster. They failed to see who he really was.
But I'm a fighter and will be damned if I will ever make the choice to grant him his ultimate victory!

My ex was abusive and no surprise I was a child of abuse and neglect and put into care where I had new parents who were also abusive.

During and even now due to my ds being volatile and violent my trauma makes my brain mush.

I feel foggy a lot. My ADHD meds help me get stuff done but I live with a low grade situational depression.

I'm tired. Soul tired. Rarely sleep, and stopped reading for the most part.

My energy goes into ds and making sure he's ok and physically I collapse at the end of the day.

I'm tired. Abuse drains you and your brain stops working the way it should.

Just the tip of the iceberg here on abuse but during a long time and it destroyed my self confidence and self steem. Took me months to recognise myself after the split.
I was someone living with fear of say or do normal stuff to avoid his reactions.

I was in an abusive relationship for 21 years, 14 years married, from the age of 20-41. I ended the marriage in November 2022.

Outwardly I think I held it together well. I have two lovely kids, we had a lovely middle class life, I managed to progress a decent career.

I now realise I was extremely defensive and desensitised in most areas of my life (except for my kids). I was very hard case at work, very unwilling to take feedback on board. I now see I was unable to reflect on my life while I was in the marriage because it would have been pretty obvious I needed to end it and I wasn’t ready to. My default mood was angry and stressed - bc that was ex H’a default mood. I obsessively planned amazing holidays because that seemed to be the only time we were happy… Our daily life was soooo stressful and awful (2 kids, nice house, good jobs, no money worries 🙄). My boundaries were terrible at work and I think this was reflective of having non existent boundaries at home. My ex H treated me appallingly and was emotionally and physically abusive and I didn’t leave him. I felt like a fraud as externally I’m a very assertive feminist - I was so resentful.

Now I am a single mum, I’m alone, money is tighter but my glass is half full. I am happy every day. I am not angry and defensive any more - I have done a lot of therapy and I know I’m a work in progress but most importantly I’m in charge of my own destiny now in a way I couldn’t be before when I walked on eggshells around an angry and controlling man.

I found it caused perpetually low mood, made me draw back into myself and avoid contact with friends, took away any 'outlook' towards the future and generally just made me feel like there wasn't much point being alive.

My ex didn't throw me any breadcrumbs etc, it was just consistently poor behaviour with outbursts of physical violence thrown in - followed by days of 'I hate myself, I don't know why I am the way I am' self-pity.

Utterly draining, thankfully my now-DW (I'm a man) is a great woman and I've largely managed to move on thanks to therapy and the help of my friends.

Like sticking my head in a blender. A constant black cloud of doom hanging over the house, always in a state of fight or flight, treading on eggshells, hopeless and empty.

Now I'm several years out, I also realise that it took away my ability to see far ahead into the future. I couldn't imagine where I would be in 5 years, think about a long term career or even imagine the dc growing up. Probably because all your energy gets used up just just trying to make it through each day.

I can't give advice but just to say I very much admire all of you who escaped and rebuilt. All power to your elbow 💪

It completely alters everything about you. Even post separation you're on high alert and crave kindness from anywhere, sometimes seeking it in the wrong places. It's much clearer to see the abuse when you're out of it because to you it has become your normal.

@WhamBamThankU I agree with you entirely; it changes everything about you.

I'm out the other side now after 18 months almost of being separated. I can honestly say I've never been happier, but it took a bit of time to get here.

We have DS together however contact is minimal and only via email based on police and solicitor advice.

I was honestly so relieved knowing it was over. I lost myself completely. I can now go where I want, see my friends and family when I please and am no longer subject to the constant abuse and put downs.

I've got a life I never thought I'd have now; it's honestly so liberating.

Please speak to a solicitor

Now everything has changed for the better, I look back to that awful period in my life of emotional & some verbal abuse & have no idea how I got through it. I must have been so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Some days I could barely get out of bed but had to for DD who was then at primary school. With hindsight, I should have moved out with DD.

I wasn't the person I was when I met him. It took a long time to get her back but even now I don't trust men and am scared of saying the 'wrong' thing. I'm scared that if I get into a relationship that the next guy will think nothing of hitting me when I say something he doesn't like. I'm also left with insecurities of not being good enough because no matter how good I looked he always put me down and compared me to our friends. I was always bottom of his list.

I once met a guy when I was dating who said his wife was controlling and I recognised so much in what he said and how he was. I look back on it and think we were what we needed at the time. He showed me that nice men do exist and that I'm worthy of love.

My ex is still a narcissist. He still thinks saying sorry excuses the abuse and lies he spread about me.

Yes to seeing it all more clearly after you’re out of it. I knew exH was abusive but it’s taken me over a year to process the the full extent of how he treated me.

I’m in a relationship now with someone completely different - kind and emotionally mature. That of itself has been triggering for me at times - experiencing what real love feels like, and feeling sad that my younger self settled for absolute breadcrumbs.

Arguments have also been a revelation - when we disagree on something we get a bit annoyed, we argue, no one gets defensive or says cruel things, we say why we’re upset and the other listens. I’m never scared that I’ll be screamed at or pushed or something will be smashed on the floor. Not exactly rocket science I know, but they had literally never happened in 21 years with my ex H.

Thank you everyone for the replies (and sorry it's taken a while for me to say thanks - I've been ill this week).

To those who are on the other side - it's interesting that you say you see things much more clearly now.

I am also inspired by your strength.

And a virtual hug to those of you who are currently in a bad situation.