Why did your relationship end when you had kids?

[Sophsccc]

Hi all!

Just curious if this is a common reason that a relationship goes down the pan 😅

I've been with my partner 8 years and we had our first baby my gorgeous boy who is now 6 months old. Since he was about 2 months old all we have done is disagree on everything and we're now talking about seperating because we just cant see eye to eye. Our main issue atm is he wants his dad to have the baby now and then for the day, his dad has 5 dogs who haven't been around children, and I don't mean to sound like a horrible person, but his house is a massive health hazard. Dirty floors, dogs eating raw food and they lick everyone they come into contact with. And his dad hasn't cared for a baby since his kids who are all now 30+. I would never stop my baby having a relationship with his family they're all nice people, but he'll be crawling before we know it and it's just not safe in my eyes. His dad is more than welcome here, and baring in mind he has a few grandchildren and none of them go to the house because he's never asked to look after them. That's just an example of the things we disagree on but it's a constant battle when I am just putting my sons safety first. My partner is usually an intelligent man so I have no idea why he's fighting me on things like this, we also said when I was pregnant that the baby wouldn't be going there!

My partner will not compromise on anything and also wants to put the baby in nursery one day then 'watch him while he works' the other day and that's just not going to work. He has such tunnel vision and just puts me down when I suggest otherwise. Feel like im going mad 😳

Just curious if any of you split when your baby was young, what was the reason and how did you cope with it all? The thought of being away from my boy breaks me 😢

Is it not his son too? Because that would rile me, if someone thinks the baby is ‘theirs’ not ‘ours’.

My ex changed drastically, immediately ds was born.

He started on day 3 when I was told I could go home from hospital. In front of the midwife he shrugged and said ' you'll have to wait, I'm in London tomorrow'.
Then when home on afternoon 5, he refused to help in any way.
Day 6, he went to play tennis and then out with the boys. It was his way of saying I was to shut up, raise his ds and expect nothing more from him. So, eventually we left.

Oddly, he was furious and tried to starve me back. I was expecting him to be indifferent. Some men turn controlling & weird.

You seem to have hooked up with another one. You aren't going mad. It's him. Get your ducks in a row.....

At 11.30pm the night I brought ds home from hospital he asked me what was for tea.

He didn't change a single nappy until ds was weaning at 6m

Only ever got up once in the night. Once.

Like an utter fool I stayed and had another dc, exactly the same. Apart from the massive emotional affair that he was having (went AWOL for the birth and then texted the ow before either of the grandparents).

Very happily divorced.

I think you should work on your marriage and have serious conversations about how both of you need to compromise and work on things. Wait until baby is asleep (so tempers aren't flared) and try and get everything out! I TOTALLY understand why you wouldn't want your baby to go to your FIL. Frustrating your husband isn't understanding of this, but don't chuck the towel in yet! Maybe considering some marriage counselling too?

But if you split you'll get absolutely no say on who sees your son or if he goes to nursery on his dads days 🤷‍♀️

Everyone has different views on parenting, but I agree with you about your baby not going to your FILs house, fuck that, no way! As for working with a baby, your OH is deluded if he thinks that's possible, it isn't.

You both need to have a serious conversation about these issues and how you move forwards, otherwise you will inevitably split up over it.

He left me so no choice 🤷‍♀️

Why is he so desperate to put the baby in nursery or give him to his dad? He's only 6 months fgs.

Is it because he wants some one-on-one time with you?

I'm still with my partner, but it's hard when you have a baby, your relationship with each other changes. Did you feel he listened to you before the baby?

I think, honestly, the things that we look for in a partner and assume will make them a good dad/life partner before we have children are totally wrong and unhelpful things to look for.

We look for stuff like whether they seem to like playing with children - when that's the easy part - kids you can rile up and spoil and then hand them back.

And we base relationships on stuff like how much we fancy them, and what leisure activities we like doing together - when you don't have any time or headspace for that kind of thing when you have young kids anyway. Or how similar you are, how much you understand each other, how few arguments you have etc.

I never really thought about it as picking a co-parent, and what you need from a co-parent is different and honestly is quite boring - stability and trustworthiness and empathy. Someone who will pick up the slack without being asked or directed. Someone who is a good role model and makes sensible, reasoned decisions. Someone who balances you, especially through stressful situations - your stress points need to be opposite so you don't both fall apart at the same time. You don't necessarily need to "get them" instantly, as long as you can talk (and crucially) listen - to each other - this can't be one way. No arguments isn't necessarily a good thing because you are going to be stressed and disagree about things - you need to be able to disagree productively and fight fair. You need to feel like a team, not just two individuals doing your own thing who enjoy spending time together.

My first child's dad (actually, all of my early boyfriends) was none of those things. He was silly and chaotic and spontaneous and didn't think about boring stuff like the supermarket shop and doing the washing up. So when we had a baby together he got bored quite quickly and all the dull parts got left to me. When I became less interesting because of that we lost the connection with each other. He didn't fight fair (at all). He didn't really consider my opinion worth anything. Being a team I couldn't imagine that with him. We split up when DS1 was about 1yo.

I got together with DH a year or two later, and it has always been totally different because I knew what I was looking for because I already had a child and knew what it was like to parent with someone. (I was also just lucky that it happened to be him at that time - I could have quite easily got into another bad relationship, TBH).

I don't really know how you can explain all that to somebody who doesn't have children yet, though.

Problem with this one is that if you split and he has some access then he can leave the baby with his dad.

I think you should have framed this as an issue and asked people to comment on it rather than ask why other people split up as I don’t think it’s relevant to your post.

I would be too scared to split up- it's 100% guaranteed that his first day of unsupervised contact will be spent at his dad's keeping half an eye on the baby whilst they crawl around in the filth and hope one of the dogs doesn't go for him.
Probably not what you wanted to hear but I would rather spend my life externally miserable than risk putting my child in that situation.

@BertieBotts what a brilliant post - you are so right about the things we look for in a man before we have a child!!