Divorce - How do you find a ‘good’ solicitor? How do you start?

[SDabitlost]

Hi

I have lurked on MN for a long time, but would now be very grateful for any advice from those who may have been there & done it - and more importantly perhaps, those who know what not to do!

After almost 30 years and two DC (youngest just finishing school), Me and DH really need to go our own separate ways.

We have nothing in common and actually do not even like each other anymore. The flat-mate living and pretend politeness is draining. After a few drinks at the pub he may express his views a bit more honestly…

Anyway, the point is we need to divorce, but I don’t have the first idea how to go about this.

How do you find a ‘good’ solicitor? I know that house / money (pensions - or not?) will be a contentious issue, although I assume that ultimately it would be roughly 50:50 after all this time?????

We will both need mortgages and I guess feel like ‘starting again’ on the housing ladder…

How do I start this?
How do I start to feel better?

Word of mouth usually.
I was recommended a solicitor by a friend. He was brilliant.
I think the inbetween bit, deciding to split and seeking a divorce is the most unsettling bit. Once the ball's rolling I found it less stressy.

Make a start by filing the documents at court, ( you don't need a solicitor just yet, especially if it's 50/50).

Have a think about what you want/need and then make him an offer and take it from there.

Lots of info on wikidivorce for people who self represent.

Try not to fall into a trap of endless rounds of mediation and endless solicitor visits and costs.

Self rep and if he's being difficult go straight to court for a financial dispute hearing. Here the judge will tell you what she would c allocate IF she was the presiding judge.

Same position here, so will read replies with interest. Sending unmumsnetty hugs. I am an anxious bundle of stress atm as haven't broached the subject yet. However, the relationship is dead in the water.

Hi Many thanks for the advice and info, I shall start to read up.

CampervanKween , I wish you well.

Haven’t said anything yet, I think we are each avoiding the inevitable.
I don’t know about you but I’m scared of the future, and throwing in the grenade, but also scared of not doing it and carrying on feeling lonely in my own living room with only contempt sitting across from me.

I have no idea how I will afford everything and obviously want to keep providing a home for the DC…

Anyway, thank you again for the above useful comments.

IMO it is, as a PP says, the hardest bit now.

Starting point is 50/50. v. Long marriage, DCs all "good news"

I would try and find any bank statements and proof of pensions/assets etc you can. I would see a lawyer first, with these. I would definitely look for reccomendations online.

It sounds like it may become contentious. So be careful what you offer and be careful what you tell anyone at this stage.

You will need a marriage and birth certs plus a form of identification. This is all at this stage.

... and Good Luck. Do not try and be "the bigger person", it willnot work in your favour. Prepare for things to go south, quickly.

Firstly you talk to each other - work out if you are on the same page, if so it's so much easier. Apply for your legal divorce online, no solicitor needed, it takes only a few minutes to fill it out, you pay the statutory fee then once the paperwork is approved by the courts you wait the set amount of time before you can apply for the conditional order, then 6 weeks later the final order. Incredibly straightforward.

Meanwhile you need to arrange your financial split - best done through mutual agreement but you could use a mediator or a solicitor each if you cannot agree. Both of you should complete a form e with all your finances on, get the house on the market and ideally sold, then a solicitor can write up a consent order based on your agreement, no need for big bills that way.

Many of us have been in your position, it's common, and everything will be fine

This may well be true @mitogoshi for you and many, but in mine, and many other cases, it proved a waste of a year, heartache and assets being hidden. Long and drawn out stress.

OP needs to quietly seek advice first. If she has ANY doubts about her husbands reaction (which I think she does)

Best to get the ball rolling asap.

Ask on your local fb groups for recommendations for a good divorce lawyer. Try all the solicitors that will offer a free consultation as well as they will give some advice.

im not sure on equity split as youve said your youngest DC has left school and you are able to work full time (I assume). When I got divorced my DC were 7 and 10 so I was awarded 80% equity on house and half of savings. But it’s purely based on your current situation.

good luck

I do work full time - now.
I am still playing catch-up on the salary and possible ‘career’ after many years of part-time school holiday jobs, so am still very much the lower earner.

I will find splitting things 50:50 v tough, but financially he has paid in more than me over the years.

Do you think they would award less than 50:50???? Does that happen often???

Thank you again for taking time to respond.

Z

Search bhavna radia - she does some free online talks too

It doesn’t matter that he has paid in more than you over the years. In the eyes of the law it’s family money. I didn’t pay anything into the house as I was a SAHM but that allowed him to work and continue his career whilst I looked after the DC etc.

It could be that you stay in the house until your youngest reaches 18 and I think your Ex pays for the mortgage and then you sell up. I’m really not sure so get all the advice you can 🤗

Hey, just wondering how long married you are? I'm 5 years in and wanting to seek a divorce due to finding out about an unknown child and emotional abuse. I'm a mess thinking about bringing the D word up with him!

Yes personal recommendation is best.

But if you don't have that, look for solicitors who have an accreditation in financial matters from an organisation called Resolution (whose members are committed to constructive dealings in a divorce) or are on the Law Society's Family Law Panel. Anyone on either has had independently tested so you can be sure they have the right knowledge and experience. There are lots of people out there that don't.

You could also then cross check to narrow it down further by seeing which of those experts works at a firm that has Lexcel, which is a law firm quality assurance scheme.

Narrow it down to two then speak to them both on the phone and go with your gut about who you think you'll get on with best. It's a very personal instruction, you need to be able to work well together.

By all means go to a free consultation if you like, but the best people should be in sufficient demand that they don't need to give it away for free.

Once you've had your initial consultation you can decide how much you want to do yourself, but you only get one chance to do this right, you want every decision to be a well-informed one.

Just be aware that solicitors aren't neutral, they want to make money and couples disagreeing means more money. Please talk, you can always turn to a solicitor to negotiate financials later but no need for the legal divorce as that's the same whether you or a solicitor files, it's just they will charge you to do it. Dp had so many issues with his solicitor as did his ex hers despite the fact they had fully agreed a settlement

What @LizHoney said.

Well informed as @LizHoney says.
Does not have to be nasty at all.
BUT. Be well informed.

Hi again. Thank you to all for the advice.

@LizHoney I will definitely note these points down!

I guess its Sods Law, but last night was really quite genuinely civilized. I think he must have thought comments made recently had crossed a line or perhaps I am behaving differently, either way, I guess it reinforces the 'inertia stalemate' and that neither of us appear to really want to change things...

I don't want to make a change, but I also don't want to look back in anther 5 years, when I will have even less chance of buying some sort of home, and think 'why the #### am I still sitting here being lonely and useless'!

It is also very sad that there appear to be quite a number of folk in this sort of limbo. I hope everyone can make the moves they need to.
I hope in 5 years time we all just look back and think 'wow, I remember not knowing where to start, but here I am in my own home with...whatever lovely things you hope for...'.

Good luck to everyone in the same boat!

Thank you for the advice to those in the know - and those who have been able to get out of this boat and leave it far behind.

I'm in exactly the same position. Its so scary and daunting, but I know it needs to be done. I just wish someone could wave a magic wand, and I was suddenly in my new home with all the stress and resentment behind me.

Same position here. I have found a solicitor after going round the houses and ending up back at the first one I spoke to..... in Jan 2019 😫But really he is the only local one available, rather than having a recommendation from someone. Saying that, I do have confidence that he's a 'good' one. If you can somehow get recommendations from others, that's the best way though.

I'm really hoping to escape the turmoil and the loneliness and the fake 'getting along' before it's too late. Good luck OP. I am with you.

Hugs all round from me, it's so stressful. But needs to be done. Weve been together 30 years but can't bear the thought of living like this for the next 30.