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Original poster

Friendships - how long before you say enough's enough?

14 replies

Titty · 20/03/2008 16:28

I know it's probably been done before, but when do you give up on friends because they never make an effort?
I always seem to be the one emailing/phoning/texting certain friends, they'll reply eventually but they never seem to make an effort.
I feel like erasing their email & numbers but have this part of me that feels guilty for doing something like that.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 20/03/2008 16:30

I'm afraid I am one of the people you hate. I am very bad at keeping in touch but I feel like me and the friends I have always fall back into comfortable companionship when we do see eachother.

depends how good friends you are?

MrsMattie · 20/03/2008 16:30

I think you have to be realistic. Some people are never going to be big on 'effort'. It doesn't mean they don't think about you or that they don't care. You have to draw the line where you feel comfortable. If you feel you have friends who are just taking the piss - who never bother with you at all - that is something quite different. But not all good friendships involve both people making equal amounts of 'effort' in getting in touch - I've learned that along the way.

Original poster
Titty · 20/03/2008 16:37

I know she is in touch with other friends and just wonder why she can't send me the quick email like she does them. I know when I see her next that I'll get moaned at for not being in touch!

OP posts:
Psychomum5 · 20/03/2008 16:41

yes, but......

I am one of those who isn;t great at phoning or texting back. I DO do it, eventually, but only when I am thinking about her at a practical time for me to know that I do have the time to chat properly IYGWIM.

the thing is, I am normally so busy just trying to work out my family from the day to day crisis that keep popping up to even think about half my friends properly......not that I dont think about them at all......tis just that they finally pop into my head at about 11pm once all the housework is done and food sorted for the following day, and the kiddies and DH are finally asleep and it is quiet enough in my house for the thoughts to be heard in my head.

but I am alwasy here as and when my friends truly need me.......I have great points, my friends have great points, and some of their great points are being able to be the ones with the phoning/texting etc.....mine are to be here at the drop of a hat when they have their own crisis........

really......it isn;t as tho they don;t think of you as often......probably more because they are time poor during the day to actually concentrate on you and then when they do think of you, the time is too late/it is tea time/ the kiddies bedtimes etc....and so therefore just NOT GOOD TIMING to speak! and be fair, you would not want me to ring you when I was thinking of you in the middle of the night now would you.

PotPourri · 20/03/2008 16:41

If you are getting something out of the relationship then carry on doing the running. It is worth it. but when you are getting very little (and moaned at for you not keeping in contact) then it's definately time to move on. Life's too short to allow people to sap you!

And don't get into the whole cycle of - why does she still talk to the other people etc. It's self defeating. She just does.

Get out and meet some new friends, you'll be glad you did.

Agree that it is sad to remove someone, but once done, you will feel a sad memory rather than a current sadness iyswim

Gunnerbean · 21/03/2008 13:19

I've got a friend like this. I know from another friend that she's pregnant again now but hasn't bothered to tell me. I know I'll be expected to turn up with a present when it's born and make all the right noises though. It makes me sick really. When the time comes, and the frilly birth announcement card drops on the doormat, I might just promise faithfully to visit and then conveniently forget....

It's all mind games really. You shouldn't have to do things like this with people who are supposed to be your friends. If they were true friends you wouldn't.

Perhaps it's time to cut the dead wood out of our lives....

DarthVader · 21/03/2008 13:28

If, on balance, you think this friendship is adding to your quality of life, keep it going. As others have said, people put different things into friendships, you may be best at keeping in touch but the friend may be good in other ways.

If the friendship is not adding to your life then dump it as quickly as possible so you have room in your life for new friends!

barnstaple · 21/03/2008 13:42

If there is more pain than gain in something, stop it. If there more gain than pain, carry on.

Old friend told me that; also told me that I obviously got more gain than pain out of a ghastly relationship I was conducting at the time otherwise I wouldn't be in it, and that once I got more pain than gain from it, I would stop it. He was right.

PatsyCline · 21/03/2008 17:51

One of my oldest friends is a bit rubbish at keeping in touch. I realised years ago that, if I wanted to see her regularly, I would have to make a lot of the effort. However, I feel it's worth being the proactive one in the relationship because she is easily the funniest person I know and I can talk to her about absolutely anything.

I guess that I would say that if you know that your friends love you but are just a bit rubbish then you should continue making the effort. However, if they just make you feel rejected and you get nothing back, I think that you should use your energy more wisely and concentrate on making new friends who'll appreciate you more.

Patsy

Original poster
Titty · 22/03/2008 07:51

TBH it doesn't really bother me not keeping in contact as the last couple of times I heard from her it was her asking me for favours
Barnstaple - that's a great phrase, yes it is more pain than gain so I think unless she is at gatherings with mutual friends I don't think I am going to bother!
I do have great friends who I know are busy etc that I don't hear from frequently and I know they will always be there for me

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 22/03/2008 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lilacclaire · 22/03/2008 09:06

Maybe you just don't have the same stuff in common anymore and she only contacts you when its relevant?

loopylou6 · 22/03/2008 10:11

my oldest friend in the world is doing this at the moment, in my mind ive cut all ties, she can visit her dad who lives a few houses from me, but she cannot pop into see me, nuffs enough i think

billysitch · 28/03/2008 10:27

Titty - sometimes people move on, and sometimes others are just ignorant and self absorbed, sometimes very busy too. If you feel you are being taken for granted, which it does sound like to me then maybe it is time to move on?

THW - that's a shame.

I broke a friendship a few years ago with a friend of 20 years. It finally hit the skids when she tried to involve me in her relationship with a married man. I loved her and she broke my heart. She changed from the mate I once had, we shared everything until then, I used to miss her at first but now I have moved on and have some lovely friends and Titty you are of course one of them. x

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