Self esteem being eroded by relationship

[krisgibbs]

Hi.

I am a 48 (M) and I have been with my GF (39 F) for almost 4 years. We have lived together for around 3 years.

When we first started out I noticed a few potential issues, but as we were in the honeymoon phase, it was easy to let them go and see how things went.

• One of those issues has continued to be a source of great frustration for me - she doesn't ask me about anything in my life. If I have had a weekend away or a work trip or played a game with my sports team, I'll get home and she won't ask me anything. It's like it didn't happen. We just talk about normal mundane things. Or I test the water by asking about her day to see if that might prompt her to ask about me. It never works. In the end I just end up saying "So anyway.." and tell her how things went. It's infuriating. I don't understand how someone can not ask their partner about such things.

• Also, when I speak, it's like she's barely listening. Sometimes she talks over me or just ignores me. Or she's distracted by her phone. She sometimes says "hold on" as she finishes something on her phone, which would be fine, but all I've asked is a yes or no question. She literally cannot break off for 1 second to give me that answer. Whereas when I'm in the middle of working on my laptop she doesn't think twice about taking up my attention to talk about potential holidays or her hobbies and interests. I stop what I'm doing and give her the time to discuss it, then I go back to my work.

• We only ever have good conversations when she has initiated them and has an interest. If I initiate conversation she doesn't keep it going, unless the subject is about her. I'll say a statement relating to say, my sports team, or something about work, and she'll either literally be silent or just make an acknowledgment sound. It's never a conversation starter. If I want to have a conversation with her, I have to ask questions and show an interest in what she's doing, how her family is etc. She would never do this.

• We watch what she wants on TV. She just assumes that's ok. This seems to originate from when I temporarily lived in her house. It was her house, so I just said you watch what you want to watch. But I then bought a house myself and she moved in with me - and the same pattern has continued. She'll just put a comedy series on without consultation and we're now watching that apparently! Yes, she does sometimes ask what I want to watch, but I don't know because I haven't had chance to do any research about what's on - because we're constantly watching things she decided to put on. If I want to watch football, I used the iPad but still sit with her. I have the volume on very low, so it doesn't clash with what she's watching.

• She takes up 75% of the room in the house with all her stuff. But yet, she complains that I have too many things. Like she'll say I have too many jackets or something. Despite the fact all of my things are wedged into corners of drawers and cupboards etc. There is a kitchen cupboard with 12 of her coffee mugs and 2 of mine. What does that say about how she sees me? My stuff is not important to her. Which in turn, makes me feel like I'm not important.

• She always criticises the way I do things, whether it's driving, parking, cooking. I hate being asked to do things as I know I'll get it wrong. She'll ask me to do something, then hover over me as I do it, putting me under pressure, so I inevitably get it wrong. She once criticised my parking and when we got out of the car I checked and it was perfect! It's like she enjoys criticising me and putting me in my place. If she ever messes up when doing something, I usually just say "never mind" and try to make sure she doesn't feel bad about it.

• She shows no empathy towards me when I'm tired. If I'm tired and she's had less sleep than me, she thinks I'm not allowed to be tired! It's like it's a competition. If I'm yawning as I've had a poor sleep (maybe 6 hours) but she only caught 4 hours, she'll probably say "how dare you be tired!". Like it's a crime. I'm literally not allowed to show tiredness. If I am, there will be no empathy, even if I've done something really strenuous. She only seems to show empathy to animals.

• She is also the messy person I have ever known. When she cooks she leaves all the packaging and mess all over the counter, whereas when I cook, I tidy up as I go along. Also, the deal seems to be that when I cook, I tidy, and when she cooks, I tidy!!! She seems to think that's fair.

My self-esteem and confidence has suffered in this relationship as I feel like my voice is so unimportant. I feel like my personality is being suppressed as I can't express myself. I'm not given the chance. I stay quiet. What's the point - I'll be ignored anyway. I feel like a door mat at times. Just here to be criticised. I love it when she goes out and dread her coming home.

I'm not sure what to do. She's a great person with a big heart and can be very considerate, but I've just been brought up to act very differently in relationships.

I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts! Thanks in advance!

Best,
Kris

I think you’ve worded this so eloquently, clearly and without bias or vitriol- I think you should simply show her this (maybe paste it into word and say you’ve written down how you feel to get it all out clearly-she can’t get mad at you posted to an online forum though I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this)
From what you’ve said she is definitely treating you like you don’t matter. Be assertive, hold your ground, give her chance to recognise her part in this and if things don’t change over time- leave. Or this would continue to erode you

Well your options are pretty clear really.

1. Leave
2. Stay and try and change it
3. Stay as you are

In your shoes I'd go for 1 because honestly it just doesn't sound like it's worth saving and 2 would fail. Relationships are supposed to make you feel good, not worse. You don't need her permission to leave.

Read that back to yourself op. She sounds very selfish and doesn't care. I’d even go as far as to say she sounds narcissistic. Why are you even with her? What joy does she bring to your life?

I think you know the answer to your post. You aren’t going to change her and she isn’t going to change either. So the only other option is to leave so that you can find someone who you can have a normal conversation with, doesn’t criticise you and has empathy while she can go and find someone else equally s selfish as her

Sorry OP but she sounds selfish, controlling and potentially narcissistic.

I think if this was a woman posting the pretty unanimous response would be LTB therefore the same advice to you.

I can’t imagine things will change so you either stay and tolerate her behaviour at the expense of your own self respect or leave.

This sounds very lonely, and I can’t see how it will improve as she seems to have little self-awareness. In your position I would end the relationship. Have other relationships of yours gone like this? If so it might be worth doing some counselling / soul-searching to work on assertiveness and self-advocacy.

OP here:

Yes, I do lack assertiveness. I'm laid-back and generous and usually happy to go with whatever and I wonder if my behaviour sets a precedent for partners to think it's ok to act selfishly towards me because they're used to me being so passive about everything. The reason I haven't ended the relationship is because I have a nagging feeling the same pattern would happen again in another relationship. I don't want to end up looking back and thinking how I never should have ended it. It feels like I'm part of the problem, despite having such good intentions.

I love it when she goes out and dread her coming home.

If this alone doesn't tell you the relationship needs to end, I don't know what will.

I'm not sure what to do.

Yes you do. You really, really do. You just don't want to deal with it. You're stuck in a rut because you feel it's easier to stick with the devil you know.

This relationship is bad, front to back. She lacks fundamental respect for you. She has little interest in you or your needs. She is inherently selfish.

I don't want to end up looking back and thinking how I never should have ended it.

This will not happen. The only thing you will wonder is why you didn't end it sooner.

It just sounds as if you're totally incompatible!

She is not involved in the relationship as she should be. I would leave her.

I think the phrase is she's just not that into you. It's so much nicer to be with a person who values you, and there will be someone out there who will. Perhaps you need someone who is also interested in your sport - for example if it's football, I couldn't give a flying fig who won what or who scored what.

You really need to not be with her. She sounds very selish, self-absorbed and uncaring.

Maybe find someone your own age?

The reason I haven't ended the relationship is because I have a nagging feeling the same pattern would happen again in another relationship

Well, then you would leave that one too. And you leave every relationship that makes you feel crap, until you find one that doesn't.

You have to learn to leave people. I met my partner via my 'Leaving As Many People As I Can' project. I dated people (who I quite liked the look of), with the full intention of practicing saying 'Thank you so much for spending your time with me, I've enjoyed your company. I don't feel it going any further, though, so lets leave it there. Good luck!' and I said it to quite a few, as soon as they showed signs of not being the right match. Just to practice walking away. Try it! After a while, I met my partner. I only stayed because I don't want to walk away. But that's a healthy relationship: one you enjoy.