Loss of sex drive in a married relationship

[Worriedmale]

I'm 40 my wife is 38 we have 2 boys aged 2 and 4.

I've been told for months (not by her) just be patient her hormones levels aren't back to normal yet but I just seen no willingness to change from her side. If she's not bothered then why would she change.

Her sex drive hasn't returned since we had our 1st she just sees it as another job to do and puts it off for as long as she can. I just feel like she hasn't made a effort in literally years.

We had a weekend away in November on our own and she said angrily I guess you'll be wanting us to have sex then.

Before we had kids she was the one that would instigate, get dressed up in sexy lingerie and make a effort and be easy going about sex but now she just isn't bother about it and thinks things are fine as they are but I'm really struggling.

Now it's me instigating every single thing from a hug to a kiss goodbye to saying I love you to cuddles in bed.

I'm not expecting our sex life to be what it was, but I just feel so alone and unwanted/unloved patiently waiting for things to change. I do wonder if she doesn't know how I feel about it or just doesn't care. It feels to me like the latter.

She's on the pill where you take 21 then have a week off, I've even looked into menstrual cycles for when she's most likely to be in the mood.

I do love her I really do and we never argue about anything else but I feel like I'm putting more into the relationship than her then after I regret it thinking I shouldn't have bothered.

You have two small children. What is the balance like in terms of childcare and domestic labour and mental load? Paid work vs being at home. Leisure time etc. these things matter in terms of contentment and resentment is a huge barrier to intimacy.

Also have you actually talked to her about it? You say you've been told - not by her - about hormones etc but have you actually tried to calmly discuss this with her? And not just after you've initiated and she's rejected, but at another time of day when things are calmer.

No I don't want to put her under pressure. I just feel like at some point it's going to come to a head and we will just have a massive row about it. We'll we won't because she'll just leave the room and won't discuss it. I do feel like pulling away from instigating hugs and cuddles etc but it's the only intimacy I'm getting .

I try as much as I can to give her space to do her own thing.

She works 3 days a week in a office. Then she's home with the 2 year old 2 days a week.

I don't think you're going tk make any progress unless you can have a conversation about it to be honest.

Will things get any better with time, really stuck with hang in there we only need to get past the time when the kids are young to things are never going to get better.

I just feel unloved and unwanted, and my partner just closes up and refuses to talk about it and she doesnt seem bothered or even care. Every single hug, kiss, etc is instigated by me. I feel I'm going to reach breaking point soon and we will have a big argument about it and the answer will be I just don't feel that way anymore then what.

All this is making me feel insecure and its just snowballing. * *

You have to speak to her calmly when the DC is in bed or in childcare.

My x wife was just like that she was 21 when we had our son .it went from practically daily to once a month after she gave birth. We was together 13 years it never increased.

Make sure you're sharing the workload and mental load. I stopped fancying my ex because I began to feel like Cinderella. No help, everything fell to me so sex was the last thing I wanted.

She's on the pill where you take 21 then have a week off, I've even looked into menstrual cycles for when she's most likely to be in the mood.

The combined pill stops you ovulating and this stops the rise and fall of your hormones so I wouldn't do this . Think you need to have an honest conversation with her about how you are feeling. Yea maybe this puts some pressure on her but not in am awful way and obviously needed if you feel you are at breaking point.

My sex drive went to zero after 2nd child and I literally dreaded my husband touching me as I was touched out from having the kids all day. Once I stopped breast feeding it came back and we got right back on track. I did communicate my feelings with him though, e.g it wasn't about him but I felt overwhelmed. It sounds like you both need to communicate your needs and what you would both like each other to do for one another.