What’s going on??

[Katieg19]

I need some advice please because I’ve not experienced this before and don’t know how to approach it….

I’ve been seeing this guy for over a month and we’ve had 7+ dates. He had this rule of no sleeping with eachother until the 4th date or longer. Every time I saw him up to this point he was very kissy , flirty and a lot of sexual tension. On the 5th date we slept together but was at bedtime lights off etc.

Now this is where I’m starting to get confused …. He still wants to see me , go on dates and talks to me all day every day but we haven’t slept together since. If sex gets brought up by message he says he can’t wait and gets very flirty but in person the only time we properly kiss is when I’m leaving!

it’s like he’s scared to touch me or unless I’m staying at his no sex sort of thing. I asked him if he felt physically awkward around me and he said no. I like this guy but I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t fancy me. Part of me thinks he’s feeling self conscious as he’s always mentioning losing weight etc hence the bedtime , lights off.

I’m not at a loss - if he didn’t like me why would he keep asking to see me? But then why’s he not interested physically now?

any ideas would be greatly appreciated, thank you :)

I wouldn’t care why. After such a short time he’s making you question what’s happening - he’s not worth the energy.

Dump him now.

I agree - there shouldn’t be something spoken about it should happen naturally - either he’s not interested or he’s stringing you along and keeping you damaging. At the moment he has all the power and you are giving it to him.

My partner was like that. Talked about sex but then never really took the initiative unless in a dark bedroom, and rarely then. We were only in our very early 30s, so I was pretty surprised. He had some kind of issue around sex and I should have seen it as a red flag. Sometimes, he would instigate sex when I was asleep. Now I understand it borders on no consent, even in a relationship, but I often went along with it as I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Then that stopped as the children, would often come and sleep in our bed, and even when they weren't, never had sex unless I initiated it—absolutely rubbish. I'd say move on, unlikely to get any better. I wish I had moved on when I realised we were quite different in how we wanted and expressed affection and sex.

I suspect blokes may be reluctant to take the initiative due to ambiguity around the minefield of consent. Have you made it clear you like/desire him? It's all very risky these days.

As PPs have mentioned, this may also be masking a deeper issue.

Thanks everyone.

@Usou Yes I've made it very clear to him how I feel etc. It's almost like when it couldn't happen because of the 4th date rule he was very pro-active. Now it's like he's not bothered.

Do I say something? If so how?

I know I should maybe just let him go but he still makes the effort to see me and spend time with me so I don't want to just throw it away if there is a genuine reason

It should be easy and fun at this stage, op, not a relationship that's already making you feel insecure, confused and unattractive just one month in.

Please, stop wasting time on this one. He might be a lovely guy, but that does not mean you're compatible or it will work out.

The main thing that's going on is him being weird, calling the shots, and making you feel confused and insecure. Just because he still makes the effort to see you, doesn't mean this is worth pursuing. You're worth a lot more than that and if you can't relax and talk to him about your needs, it's a complete non-starter. Let him go before you get even more enmeshed.

If you’re getting bad vibes this early on then trust your instinct and bin him off.

It could just be he has a low sex drive or maybe some hang ups. I would end it myself but you could talk about it. Say something like, I think I have a higher sex drive than you. See what he says. He will probably deny it though.

So it’s all on his terms then? His 4 date rule (which stretched to 5), his house, his choice to have lights out - what about what YOU want?

Id say it’s a non starter if he’s causing you so much doubt this early. This should be the fun part

So I spoke to him and he said it's because he feels there's a lack of emotional connection lately - which makes no sense to me as I didn't see that as a problem.

I'm sorry, op, he's just not that into you. I don't know how much clearer he could be without saying exactly that. He's dating you right now to kill time until something better comes along.

Move on, and quickly.

After a month and 7 dates?? I’d throw this one back. Hes wasting your time

Sorry - you need to get out of this right now. Move on with your life and chalk it up to experience. It's disappointing but you will forget about him in a few weeks.

I'm wondering if he has as a sexual fetish or serious sexual hang-up, or alternatively, now he has slept with you that he has lost interest but wants you to finish it so that he looks like the 'good guy'.

Whatever the reason, his behaviour is not that of a healthy, mature man. He is not meeting your needs and he is not communicating his own. He is definitely not relationship material.

A lack of emotional connection "lately"? You've met him 7 times; your entire connection is "lately". Why would you have a deep emotional connection with someone you hardly know?
Sounds like he has issues and is trying to make you think his weird behaviour is your fault. Wish him well and move on.

That was a weird response. Sounds like he's blaming you for his issues?

What they all said. It really doesn't matter at all why, or what he's up to, or how he thinks. You've had seven dates and some sex: it isn't working for you, it isn't enhancing your life but making you insecure, it doesn't meet your needs.

Sounds like you need a reminder that dating is about what makes YOU feel good! If it ain't giving you what you want, it ain't right.

He's making excuses. He either has a low sex drive or some other issue but you would be mad to make it your problem. Cut your losses now.