My husband and I met in college. At the time, I was a Junior, and he was a graduate student. He knew a lot about the continent I was from and seemed very caring. We lived in the college dorms, and he was always willing to help. We started dating after I graduated from college. Before him, I had never been in a serious relationship. I fell in love with him, and I thought nothing of him moving fast with our relationship. He told me he wanted to marry me, and he wanted us to have 3 children one day. He was sweet, oh and so handsome! 2 months after we started dating, I moved to another state, for graduate school. We continued dating. We would visit one another every other month. During one of those visits I noticed that he started making comments about my outfits. He would also make fun of my accent (I am French). I brushed it off.
After 7 months of us dating, I found out that I was pregnant. I put graduate school on hold, and we moved in together. I started noticing that he felt uncomfortable around my family and friends. He also spoke about them in mean ways. He would spend hours on the phone with his father (who was his best friend) and he had a horrible relationship with his mother and sisters. He had something bad to say about every each of the friends that I had introduced to him. My family and friends were worried about me, but I was in love, and I thought they were blowing things out of proportion. He enjoyed calling all the girls that were attracted to him when we were in college, and he would have long conversations with them. He also talked about his ex-girlfriend all the time and even kept in touch with her.
I gave birth to our son in March 2008. We got married. Right off the bat, he told me that the baby was a priority and he was not in love with me. He started to reject any sign of affection I showed toward him. I became his servant. I cooked, cleaned the house, and took care of the baby. I started crying myself to sleep every night. He ditched our wedding ring and said his heart was conflicted. If I complained about anything, he would call me stupid and tell me I was crazy. I went back to work when our son was 18 months. Soon after, I gave birth to our second son. During the second pregnancy, he claimed that he did not know how I had gotten pregnant and he claimed that I might have been unfaithful.
When our younger son was 2, his father moved in with us to help watch the kids so that we could save to buy a house. Agreeing to that was one of the worst decisions of my life, but it was also an eye opener. His father was racist. He wanted to teach our children how to belittle women. He disparaged my mother in law all the time and in front of our children. My husband and him would spend all their free time together and they started trying to push me out of my children’s lives. They wanted to make decisions about our future without me. I brought it to my husband’s attention, and he sided with his father. His father called me names and punched the wall in anger one night and my husband just looked on. During that time, my husband told me that we had never had a connection and started having an affair. His father knew what was going too.
We went to counseling and he stopped the affair and we bought our first house. I was heart broken and trying to recover from the affair. My husband attitude was merely one of “just deal with it”. This was when I understood that I was in an abusive marriage. My life basically turned into a circus. He would point a rifle at me knowing that guns scared the day light out of me and he would laugh when I screamed. His father came to stay with us again when he had terminal cancer and I became their servants. When I asked my husband to do some of the chores, he would find a reason not to. I would take his father to the ER, help with Drs appointments, cook for him, clean his room, and wash his clothes. I became distant. My husband started suspecting me of having an affair and he sent my underwear to a lab for them to test it for male DNA. He started stalking me. He would corner me into a room and yell at me until he got tired. His father started abusing me too. They would threaten me during the day at different times and I started sleeping in our children’s room with the door locked. Long story short, his father passed in 2018.
Anybody that knows me also knows that I fear dogs, especially large ones. Well, my husband bought 2 puppies (a Doberman and a Rhodesian ridgeback ) in 2020. This was his decision and he said I had to sacrifice. From the time the dogs entered our house, I stopped sitting in the living room. They got really big and destroyed our house. They were never trained. Our backyard is covered in dog feces and it smells of urine. I work from home so the dogs usually disrupt my meetings with barking. One of them bit our son on the arm. The house smells really bad and I have to clean at least 3 times a day. The kids have to restrain the dogs for me to get into the house. When my husband is upset with me, he uses the dogs against me
Also, my spouse sabotages my credit by paying bills late. If I ask to take over, he tells me that I can’t tell him what to do. I started paying most bills on my own because he refused to work for 1 ½ year. He has used my fear of dogs to weaponize my children against me. He cashed out his 401K and bought 2 cars. He now has 3 cars that he can’t afford to maintain. I told him that I had had enough and that we needed to part ways. He started keeping me up at night. He confiscated my cell phone. He forbade me from speaking with my family and friends and said they are a bad influence. He manipulated the kids and told them that I am trying to leave them and ruin their lives. He said he will take them away from me he hopes I lose custody. I am the parent who does everything for the children, I mean everything. He told me that I needed to leave our home and let him have the house. He said a judge would agree that he needs to get the house (He can’t afford to pay the mortgage. I have been paying the mortgage alone for almost 2 years). He told me that if he can’t have me no one will. He put a loaded gun under my bed, and I did not know it was there. He caused the door to hit me on the face once and told the police I was lying. He also told CPS that I was lying. He listens to my phone conversations and follows me when I leave the house. He uses my car and evades the toll and I end up with tickets. Gosh I could go on and on.
This is where I am today. I am gearing up for divorce and I make twice what he makes. We live in California. He has turned my children against me and uses them to spy on me. The kids have no empathy for me, and they have started treating me the way their father does. One of them told me that if I dare leave, they will stay with their father. They have told me that they hate me. He depleted me financially and he will not stop threatening me until I am dead. In addition, I am taking care of my father who also has terminal cancer.
I have spoken to some lawyers. They don’t come cheap, and I am at a loss. It takes a lot for me to get up in the morning. I am determined to get a divorce from him. For 18 years, he has tormented me.